i like

  • sneaking out in the night for a nice long drive
  • rasperry fruit bars
  • daydreaming
  • watching the night sky
  • the night city when its quiet
  • the night
  • the night to myself

sometimes i have to use a process of trial and error in order to work out what makes me feel good – and bad. i can have any number of theories or philosophies. i can analyze and strategize until i am blue in the face. but reality is a very different thing. i'm having a ‘learning experience’. and to my surprise i'm discovering that all is not as i once thought it would be. and that’s absofuckinglutely wonderful!

joey: what are you wishing for?

fool: a sense of belonging

joey: a good thing to wish for.. you will likely get it in ways you didnt expect

fool: yes. that's why i've got an open mind.. and no expectations

joey: god has a sense of humor, just remember that.

fool: yes i know.. but he's just too.

joey: Its best when ya look back .. and get the joke. Stuff I used think wasnt amusing at all. I now look back and just have to laff

creativity is wonderful stuff. it takes me into the territory i might otherwise never explore. it picks me up, turns me around, surprises me and inspires me. i often speak of 'creative types' as if they were a world apart but even if i am not a writer or a designer, i know i was born to be creative. its a need within me, as powerful and as real as the need to sleep and eat. so how, now, am i being creative? where is the outlet for my imagination? am i conjuring up unnecessary fears just to keep the inventive side of my brain busy?

i need a vision that uplifts my soul.

often, around this time of the year, i become overwhelmed with the urge to pack up my belongings in a red-spotted handkerchief, tie them to the end of a stick and go walking off into the distance. this wanderlust is healthy. it might've be even healthier if i had actually acted on it these past few years! but i rarely got that chance. the yearning to run is invariably accompanied by a vivid reminder of the responsibilities i just can't abandon and the duties i must uphold. at this moment in time, even if i can't escape from it all, i can surely escape from some of it!

and the offer is too seductive.. :)

today, i wear rose-colored glasses as i peer wistfully through the window of hope on to the street of dreams below.

i used to crave a safe, stable lifestyle until i actually got one (for a brief period). then, i wondered where the excitement had gone. i tend to seek solutions to my problems until all of them have been resolved - at which point i realize i have nothing left to complain about. then, because i am nothing if not contrary, i swiftly start to create fresh uncertainty and to invent new difficulties. someone said i have a chance to become stronger, more secure, less fraught and less driven by drama. in theory, i'll thrive on this. in practice? well, it depends on whether i really feel ready to stop chasing rainbows and flirting with disaster!

je ne regrette rien.



a few names i've been called.

should i find myself experiencing inexplicable bouts of happiness this day, i must apply the following emergency procedure:

  1. remember my finances. that should bring me down.
  2. think about the person(s) who annoy me the most. that should wipe the smile off my face.
  3. if all else fails, read the newspaper and wallow in the doom and gloom.

the risk lies in that even after i follow all these instructions, i still damn well feel good. nothing can wipe this smile off my face. :)








....that name was one of

....the few things we agreed upon. it's a pretty,

....pretty name... stayed in my mind.

....(and i'm sure his too..)


....petty indulgence of mine

....what am i thinking?

....my head hurts

....my thoughts

....my breath

....my heart

....belongs to meera

....i sit here

....weighing life in many languages

....and her unspoken words

....arrive unsaid

....me and my greed

....watch the red river supress dreams

....and me - all of me belongs to meera.

....i still wake up cold and fearful of the demons

....but meera's unspoken calm words guide the demons

....out of me.. and my soul.

....i hold my breath

....and let the rain seep into my soul

....i let the firefly guide me..

....i let him shine light on my soul

....monsoon moss and wild flowers

....tell me a story.. and make me distant

....but my soul still belongs to meera.

....stopping to rest by my shadow

....black blue raindrops fall to the ground

....wanderous clouds turn black shadows

....to gray by the hour

....i wander in search

....search through my soul too

....i find no one

....her soul alone.. waits somewhere

....meera?......... she was never there.

....as clouds convolute my soul

....as shadows coil over mine, in whorls

....as tears merge with the raindrops

....i see my heart

....- raw

....- open

....- honest

....i hear a requiem.

....its not about meera

....it never was.

....its about him

....he's playing the requiem

....for my dying heart.

if i set off traveling now and continued everyday for the rest of my life, i'd still not manage to visit a fraction of the places on this planet. nor would i meet more than a tiny portion of the population. there's so much to do! there are so many amazing options and alternatives. and the joy of it is - this is a free world. no law prevents me from exploring.. so.. err.. why am i where i am? and what happened to my plans for adventure?

lost in the concrete prisons.


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay....no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid, ask them where their sign is.

jish's bra is for sale!


starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

hhhyyyuuuukkk. *hiccups*


i can't deny that i've been making progress, though not always in the way that i would like. if i think about it, i know so much better what i want from life now and even if my desires seem a long way, its all worth it. its like i've been through a tunnel where time has become compressed and every step forward is like a massive bound. this has definitely required more energy. it hasn't always been clear what is ahead, but when i look back and see, this has been the time when my intentions have taken root. onwards and upwards, destiny beckons.


i may not be able to do much to defuse a crisis brewing around me, but i can definitely settle an argument brewing within me. that, in turn, will have a placating effect on my world and maybe offer me some peace (?) at the moment, i can imagine that people around me are each taking on the roles of aspects of myself that are struggling for harmony. the hotter the conflict seems, the deeper the insight and clearer breakthrough is possible.

gosh. i confuse myself sometimes.

You are not a prisoner of your own history. You have choices.

most of my anguish comes from forgetting these two facts.. yet much of the rest comes from the fear of facing what has actually happened to me. and hesitating to move through the more difficult attributes of my past. most of the time i surround myself in personality armor.

i've been burning the midnight oil to figure out where my place in this world is. maybe i should snuff out the light and get some rest. while most people need air to breathe, i need structure. working out where i'm in the pecking order is probably a key.. (?) have i been deferring to the right or wrong people lately? have i been kow-towing to someone who has yet to earn my respect? (it could be vice versa) i know how good i'm at what i do.. but trying to convince others of my worth is not my cuppa tea. i'll let them look, listen and learn on their own.


there are people everywhere on 'people management' courses. bosses are taught how to handle staff so that everybody feels good and the productivity is high. that's an ideal way to handle people in a professional environment. what about personal? sometimes one might think the best way to handle people is to tell them what they want to hear.. we could even probably trick them into believing whatever we want. but where would that get us?

i think its better to deliver the truth gently, rather than coating half truths in verbal sugar. be genuine. that's the best way to handle people.


my own mother doesn't believe in me.. tsk tsk.

check out what harris has been writing:

this is not about you and me,
this aint about how i feel.
these lines aint about creaky relationships,
or haunted souls with tainted reasons,
nay its not about weary soldiers,
fighting long forgotten battles.
or about sorrowful weeping,
in the harsh winds blowing.

this is just about one mans quest,
to find his answers elusive.
this is just about words
strung to put his heart at rest.
trying to find his place,
merely looking to find solace,
dont help me dont offer your hand
this is my fight with my destiny
this aint some sympathetic charity.

tell me will stand by me,
when it comes, the acid rain.
will watch over me with hard intent,
when i slip and crawl and at every fall.
this is all about loving you,
this is all i can say about me and you
dont know where we stand to go
all i knw is nothing but how much
i love you


this article made me wail, flare up in anger, sick.. i read every single word - slowly and deliberately and then i cried.

a child not breathing..


the only constant is change.
i can rely on everything to be unreliable. but life is also full of surprises. sometimes, just when i think something is going to fall apart, it comes together. i can never be sure quite what to read into the signs and signals that i see. they could be telling me to prepare for some major upheaval - or just the gentle rocking of a very stable boat. so what am i to read into this development? am i being alerted to an imminent crisis or being shown how to fix a small problem before it becomes a big one?

at this point, i can manage a wobble.. but a collapse would totally bury me!

none of us are normal. we're all peculiar in our own particular ways. the oddest of the lot though, are the people who like to pretend otherwise. the ones with the carefully-regimented lives and a fear, bordering on dread, of what the neighbours think. i dont care what anyone thinks of me. though i was amused to learn that my social standing (in school) is currently very high (on the weird front). i realized today that many people do respect me!

this is what happens when you grow ooooolddd! a friend's brother, still in high school, followed me around the whole time. wanting to know what i was thinking (every second), wanting to learn about the stars and the nebulaes, wanting me to choose a monologue for his upcoming audition at a prestigious new york drama academy, wanting me to encourage him, talk to him, laugh with him. in a way its just what i needed today. a bit of an ego boost.. to keep me going. but i sense there's more to this than just the "role model" deal. i think he's crushing on me big time!

just what i needed again eh? he's a kid 6 years younger than i am. and i dont want to diss him.. but i'll deal with it my own way.

following in khushee's footsteps.. here's what google spewed when i did an advanced search on my name:

  • foolmaker is coming back from her broken wrist just fine.
  • foolmaker is a superstar soccer player.
  • foolmaker is scared to live alone and afraid of the dark.
  • foolmaker is one of the premiere women soccer players in the world, and is known to have the best header in the game.
  • foolmaker is 4 to 10 months old.
  • foolmaker is an interactive computer service.
  • foolmaker is a yet another beautiful girl.
  • foolmaker is the Head Age Group Coach for Palo Alto Swim Club.
  • foolmaker is the Associate Medical Producer for Oxygen's ThriveOnline.
  • foolmaker is spayed! (what the fuck???)
  • foolmaker is a freelance independent film producer with eleven years of experience in the Texas market.
  • foolmaker is currently crocheting a "Nessie" puppet from some specialty yarns.
  • foolmaker is a terror in the kitchen.
  • foolmaker is intuitive and honestly open with questions and answers.

i had to stop somewhere. my head started spinning! btw, i didn't do a search with foolmaker :-p

let's face it.. looks are important! i wonder what's more important than looks? personality? intellect? a guy who can satisfy me (every single time) in bed? and if i do give all these more importance than looks, how will i be able to recognize them on a first date?

yikes. dilemma. its always gonna be lust at first sight.. ;-)


on the one hand, i'm excited and energised. i'm in the process of doing something extremely brave. yet, at the same time, i'm exasperated and exhausted. something frustrating or worrying keeps cropping up. it's undermining my confidence and detracting from an otherwise positive scenario. i dont want to be dragged down by the tension. i dont want to give in to anger. i dont want to start rushing for no real reason. i need to have enough faith to keep on moving and enough wisdom to see the big picture at all times..

stuck in this world
lonely and fading
heart broke and waiting
for you to come

-- queen of the damned


i hate my birthday.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "You always give so generously in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she said, "every week, my son sends me money; and what I don't need, I give to the church."

The priest replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. The priest said. Where does he practice?"

The old lady replied proudly,"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

results of some bs love test i took cuz i have nothing better to do on my birthday.

  1. What kind of person you'll be attracted to in real life situation..

    D. Horse - those are unbridled, untrammeled, and free

  2. In the process of courtship, which approach would make you feel irrisistable...

    C. Snake - moods-swing, blow hot and cold in love, vacillate

  3. What impression you would like to give to your lover...

    B. Cat - stylish

  4. What incident would cause you break up with your partner which character you hate most...

    A. Lion - your lover's arrogance, act like a dictator pisses you off

  5. What kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner...

    B. Horse - both of you can talk about everything and anything, no secret is kept

  6. Would you commit adultery...

    C. Cow - tolerant, you'll try very hard not to do it

  7. What do you think about marriage...

    D. Leopard - you always want to get married, but in fact, you don't even know what it really is

  8. At this moment, what do you think of Love...

    C. Horse - you dont' want to be tied by a steady relationship, you just want to flirt around

of all the things i've lost, i miss my freedom the most.


he: put it behind you, make it a part of your past, draw a line in the sand. then fill that line with cement. while it's setting, insert upright steel poles at regular intervals. attach panels of flat stainless steel to those poles. weld them together. then string some barbed wire along the top. send an electric pulse through it all just for good measure. that should keep yesterday at bay.

me: will it? memories have a strange way of defying all our attempts to banish them. they cannot be ‘controlled’. they can only be acknowledged, accepted, made room for and lived with.

he: opportunities are like buses. you wait around for ages, then three turn up at once! sometimes, we get so tired of waiting that we set out to walk. we become ‘determined to create our own opportunity.’

there's nothing i would'nt do for my friends and i'd like to think that the reverse is true. i do require help but i let pride stand in my way. i feel i'm entitled to ask for assistance. and i'm also entitled to loyalty. This is no more than i'd supply if the tables were turned. though all my needs are becoming only too obvious to some sensitive soul in the vicinity.. it may still be necessary to articulate my feelings..

when life is too quiet, i create a little trouble just to keep things interesting. when life is too noisy, i pine for peace. yet somehow, i never manage to connect the two. i don't want to be reminded of a role that i've played in creating a tense situation. i merely want to know when life will get easier. it will get easier when i've had enough of them being hard. a part of me still struggles to achieve something impossible. another part knows this but seems unable to prevent the attempt.

will i be able to embrace what i truly need if only i let go of all i now feel so determined to cling to?

what i would love to own:

a VW W8 Black Passat. look at the damned specs on this freak:

4MOTION permanent all-wheel drive system
ABS (anti-lock braking system)
4.0L 270 hp, 273 lb-ft torque, 8-cylinder gas engine
Anti-intrusion side door beams
Power assisted rack and pinion steering
ESP (Electronic Stabilization Program)
5-speed automatic transmission with Tiptronic
Dual exhaust system with chrome tips
Clear lens Bi-xenon GDL headlamps
Integrated front projector lens foglamps
Heatable, power remote folding exterior mirrors
Power glass sunroof, tilt and slide, tinted glass, sunshade, pinch protection feature and power lock operated convenience closing feature
16-inch alloy wheels
Headlamp washer system
Heated windshield washer nozzles
Rain sensor with vehicle speed-sensitive automatic wiper speed control
Electronic climate control (Climatronic)
Anti-theft vehicle and radio alarm system
Immobilizer theft deterrent system (Transponder III)
Cruise control
Multi-function trip information computer
Automatic locking feature (Dealer programmable)
Child safety locks on rear doors
Wood-trimmed interior with chrome accents
Monsoon ® Sound System with amplifier
Premium in-dash single CD player
Front and side Airbag Supplemental Restraint System for front seats*
Height-adjustable front 3-point safety belts
Preparation for lower anchorage points (LATCH - Lower Anchorage and Tethers for Child Seats)
Side Curtain Protection (TM)
8-way driver and front passenger power seats, driver with 3 memory positions
Heatable front seats
Homelink ® with sun visor extension
Leather-wrapped multifunction steering wheel with security lock
Front beverage holders integrated into center console
Rear sunshade
Trunk escape handle
Leather seating surfaces
Power windows with pinch protection. Front windows with automatic one-touch feature, operable from driver's side only.
12 years unlimited distance Limited Warranty Against Corrosion Perforation

read more about this W8 here..


the power of the Sun is self-evident. it gives us light, warmth and energy. it brings us hope, dreams, and enthusiasm. it also brings us the knowledge that today is a new day.. and today things will be better than they were yesterday.

and tomorrow, when the sun rises at 6:34 AM, will make us stronger.. as did each day since september 11th, 2001.

guy: do u love him because he loves u?

girl: i loved him the first time i saw him. tall and lanky.. with those innocent eyes. he hadn't even seen me then.. i couldn't breathe.. it took me 15 minutes before i could gather courage to walk up and say hi. he wasn't impatient.. but he was worried. and he knew i was always punctual. and when he first saw me walk through the door.. i guess he knew it was me.. he walked in long strides.. with his left hand in his slack pocket.. his smile warmed my heart. everything else around me was a blurr.. except him. black slacks.. dull olive green jcrews.. and those adorable set of modo's balanced on his nose, trying to hide those big brown eyes.. and i, like a bum, give out my hand, for a shake.. and he takes it.. and says "being formal doesn't really suit you".. then he gives me this big hug..
i almost cried. he was so comforting. he did compliment my smile.

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

-- "Romeo and Juliet"

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
But falls into abatement and low price,
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical.

-- "Twelfth Night"

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest--
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men--
Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
He hath brought many captives home to Rome
Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

-- "Julius Ceasar"


he: only two percent of the population are in the 'high IQ' club.. the rest of us are dunces.

me: maybe we're just bright enough to see how dumb this distinction is.

are clever people any happier, wiser, kinder or less prone to making a dreadful mistake?

its alway easy to reach an agreement.. i simply suppress my desire to argue. i'm quite willing to be polite.. to put on a show.. to pretend its all fine even when i inwardly feel that all is grim and dull. i can live in a state of perpetual peace and harmony. allegedly. apparently. many a time though its not so easy. if my external rock is resting on an inner bed of restless discomfort, it'll roll over and collapse.


today is not "just another day". today is something far bigger.. another world, another life, another way of being. when i look to the future, i see infinite possibilities. i realize i can't take anything for granted. this, in turn, excites me and unnerves me all at the same time. it makes me wanna take out insurance policies so i can protect myself against changes. it also makes me yearn for the adventure that those very changes will bring.

the question is, do i want to run to it or from it..

aliens spirit me away on a silver craft to a distant galaxy.. elephants rampage across my room.. i'm teetering near the edge.. holding on by the skin of my teeth. any moment now the whole damned thing is going to blow up in my face. chaos erupts. anarchy descends. the universe, as i know it, will cease to be.


“Let he (or she) who is without guilt cast the first stone.”

why does it sometimes seem as if we revel in the chance to find fault with others? is it because we feel better about our own shortcomings when we compare them to those who are even more obviously flawed? yet does this really give us a right to pass judgement?

i can’t, no matter how hard i try, be everywhere at once, pleasing all the people who matter and fulfilling all my commitments simultaneously. i seriously need to sort out a list of priorities and stick to them.

Groucho Marx once famously said that he would not want to be a member of any club that would have him as a member. isn't that a surprisingly common syndrome. if someone agrees with me, it throws me into a paroxysm of secret doubt. if someone likes the look of me, the temptation is to wonder when they last visited an optician! sometimes i get my kick from controversy and conflict. sometimes though, those kicks land in places that really hurt. must i drop the drama, abandon the argument and accept the acceptable now?

confusion prevails.

is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence? of course not. it entirely depends on which side of the fence i happen to be sitting on! i have a terrible tendency to believe what i want to believe. i don't so much kid myself as con myself. i stare into the mirror until, by some process of wishful thinking i distort the reflection. i embellish my identity and when the cold light of reason threatens to burst the bubble, i rapidly look the other way.

i'm always being urged to use my imagination. yet all too often i end up using someone else's. i turn on the TV and watch a concocted drama. i read books, watch movies or go shopping - and buy items that have been designed and created by strangers. the more i allow other people's visions to set the tone of my own life, the less i can ever feel truly free. i must also be careful to guard against a subjugation of imagination within a relationship. if i let my partner do all the dreaming, life will soon become dull.

are you sailing in the same boat?


The union of a Virgo with a Taurus has been described as a union of innate practicality, as both adopt practicality in their day-to-day lives to sort out problems. Integrity is the catchword in such relationships, and they will be sincere to one another. The relationship is likely to be slow to develop thanks to Virgo's slow and cautious nature. High value of common sense and qualities like hard work are common to both the partners in such a union. It's been seen that Taurus appreciates Virgo's quick mind, while Virgo is always in praise for Taurus' dedication and strength. Virgo can play the romantic part to perfection and be a sensual partner to the Taurus. There may be arguments on many issues but there's nothing to worry about.


"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing, and having really bad taste."

-Conan O'Brien

change is always much easier to accept if it is gradual. when something is sudden, i feel suspicious. my natural instinct is to argue with whatever has altered. i feel a little incredulous at the moment. i'm simply not sure what to make of the way in which my life has begun to alter so radically and rapidly. it's not that i dislike the new situation – more that i mistrust it. how has it arisen? for how long will it stay the same?

maybe i should just consider myself fortunate...

it’s very easy to start finding fault and levelling criticism. and when i'm not busy giving others (and myself) a hard time, i start turning the spotlight of shame on myself. i disapprove of my own actions. i accuse myself of having made mistakes and then, acting as my own immediate judge, jury and lynch mob, i sentence myself to wildly disproportionate punishments.

what i need is forgiveness. must apply some to myself and give the rest to those who've offended me. then maybe all will be fine..

Joke(s) of the day..

Johnny's dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush.

His dad says, "what the hell are you doing! "

He says "there's no way I'm getting a cavity like my sister"


What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

once upon a time, everyone wanted to be normal. they craved respectability and worried about being thought peculiar or extraordinary in any way. now everyone wants to feel special.

i take pride in my eccentricities and relish every chance to stand out from the crowd. all i want is to be different. which is perfectly normal. isn't it?

the world can be a cruel place at times. some people delight in being cold and unforgiving, critical, judgemental, harsh and disapproving. they will go out of their way to force others to go out of their way. negativity, of course, begets negativity. intolerance begets intolerance. but friendliness fortunately is just as contagious.

i know i'm generating positive energy now.. and i know its about to dispel an awful lot of gloom. but i must find the courage to be kind.. i must be strong enough to be soft. i must take a stand against cynicism.

everywhere i go, my shadow goes with me. the only way to eradicate it is to dwell in darkness. i can make my own life so shadow-like that it becomes impossible to see where i end and my shadow begins.

nature abhors a vacuum.
wherever there is a space, she will attempt to fill it.
when, therefore, our lives are full, we leave precious little room for nature to work her magic.
this may be ok if our lives happen to be full of all the things that we enjoy, if though, our lives are full of stress, strife and struggle, it is a particular pity.
for if we could only get rid of some of this, heaven knows what might replace it.

i can walk away from something i neither need nor want.

Welcome to a brand-new world.

overnight, whilst you all were sleeping, the entire universe came. and yes, we did go through a portal; a trans-dimensional doorway between two adjacent realities.

the value of commercial investment can go down as well as up. likewise, of course, personal and emotional stocks and shares. right now, i feel myself heading for a boom. i am in great demand. and i'm being much admired and appreciated. i have better opportunities than in quite some while and, even though not all is perfect, i have a great deal to be glad of.

is this why i feel nervous? perhaps i suspect that my high can only lead to a low.

every so often i do dumb things. i make crazy moves. i reach daft decisions. i guess i can blame it on the human nature. it cannot be helped. do you know what is silliest of all? it is when i do something wise, generous, timely and appropriate and then start deciding that it must have been a stupid mistake! too often, i applaud myself for acts of inanity whilst feeling apologetic about acts of extreme profundity and importance.

i'm confused.

something is making me feel a little awkward and uncomfortable. its as if i have an itch i cannot scratch or as if i'm being kept awake at night by a mysterious noise that i cannot identify. i can sense that i'm dealing with a factor that is not quite right yet i can't say for certain what is wrong with it. and this damn thing is causing me to doubt myself.


he: what's the difference between a sensible idea and a stupid idea?

me: hmm.. i think, often it is the implementation.

he: so you're saying... what?

me: some remarkably bad ideas have been carried out very successfully in the past. and some thoroughly brilliant notions have sunk without a trace.

he: doesn't enthusiasm count though?

me: enthusiasm counts for a great deal, as does application. when these two qualities are simultaneously in evidence, it is easy to make tosh seem posh.

some far-fetched notions turn out to be surprisingly viable and valuable. when i am too swift to pour scorn on new propositions and proposals, i realize i end up brutally destroying some brilliant ideas. i MUST try to tread the fine line between intelligent scepticism and stupid negativity.


  • life is sexually transmitted
  • all things being equal, you lose
  • everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
  • everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors