celebrated Van's 50th birthday!

happy birthday, van!

we all love you very much.

slip away

a millennia lost
you wait for me
will you find?
just wait and see

teeth baring
flesh searing
hard and hot
an old lust tearing

a few centuries away
what you had
is not yours today

sober and sunken
my eyes to yours
tell an old tale
that never was

come back?
easy, if it were
an arm's length away
your heart to scorch

a mile-wide smile
a gleam of evil
nails to tear
a soul to shrivel

slip away
into the event horizon
i have nothing to give
no love. not even poison.

slip away
stop. desist.
wait another millennia
for i don't exist


she was one of my favorite actresses. i am sorry she died. may her soul rest in peace.


my hand is really tired. may i borrow yours to masturbate?

the airy composition of the sky suits me just fine.


sometimes understanding comes to me suddenly.

one moment, i'm scratching my head and blinking in bewilderment at a baffling proposition. the next, a little light bulb goes on in the back of my brain.


and all is clear to me.

most often though, my journey towards 'enlightenment' is slow. i follow a winding road towards revelation. sometimes, the bends on the road to wisdom are so sharp that they cause me to double back on ourselves.. giving me a false impression of lack of progress.

i start to figure out that i'm really getting nowhere just when i'm on the threshold of discovering that i have gone somewhere quite spectacular!

awake for 20 hours and counting.


my prayers actually worked. the whole launch went off without a glitch! the members of this launch team ROCK!

thanks jen, amit, shankar, mike! i love you guys!


dear lord,

i need you to hear my prayer.. please make this stupid resin work!

thank you,


i have to wake up at 2:40am. leave for work at 3:30am. be at work by 4:30am.

and now its 9:49pm. thats 4.5 hours of sleep :(



modern day romeo and juliet

ok. kinda. sorta.

this is my favorite photo that i took. a monastery in the napa valley vicinity. i miss it. it was beautiful. peaceful.


lost and lonely.. in a parallel world.
i see myself

is he there?
or am i all by myself again?

as i said
my wants are too far away to be mine.

i try and reach out
no one's really there

all i want is my want
which again will never be mine

my wants are too far away to be mine.

meera was a beautiful new born. she must now be 4 years old. and she must still be beautiful. pictured here with a tired mom and an excited sister, nandini.

a little of this with steamed rice, one roti, some salad (with mom's special dressing), some vodka with sprite Casanova di Neri Brunello di Montalcino Tenuta Nuova 1994 can be labled as the perfect dinner for one.

i was looking at the wine review.. here's what it says:

Good colour, demonstrating a little maturity, but still quite dense. Wonderful nose, with complexity; at first full of damsons and plum jam, once a rubbery note has blown off; then dense, earthy, smoky aromas akin to smouldering kindling. Then orange peel, and a touch of leather. Medium bodied, some elegance on entry. Good fruit, lean and mineral in character, with strong acidity and finely grained tannins. Builds some weight on the endpalate, and leaves a mineral, citrus peel finish. Very good.

Sent : Sunday, December 17, 2000 3:28 AM
To : < foolmaker@hotmail.com >
Subject : Re: god...

its only half past midnight here freako -- what are you doing awake at 3:30am there ?

a South African moon rise.

tum aaye to aaya mujhe yaad, gali mein aa chaand nikla
aaj ki raat jo main so jaati
khulti aankh subah ho jaati
main to ho jaati bas barbaad
main to ho jaati bas barbaad, gali mein aa chaand nikla

this beautiful pic taken by kalyan is one of my favorites.

there was this guy.. and he used to call me sparrow.

me: there is so much i want to correct, control and prevent!

he: unless you want to end up with an uncomfortable combination of high blood pressure and low self-esteem, you will have to develop the art of caring a little less.

me: but these things matter!

he: some things matter. and some dont. every time you divert energy from a burning priority towards a less important but more aggravating factor, you are robbing yourself of a precious resource. patience. and you dont have much of it anyways!


even if i manage to remain on earth for many decades..

i will still feel, when it is time for me to die, that the whole thing happened remarkably quickly.

then i should not waste time worrying about matters that evoke unnecessary anxiety or stress.

i have a duty to enjoy myself
to appreciate each moment's magic
to share as much compassion, enthusiasm and hope as i can muster.

i will try being a superhuman today.

and i will reach within for divine inspiration and deep wisdom.

i sound old.

details need to be attended to.

questions answered.
issues addressed.

maybe that's why i feel a little uncomfortable.

Smoke free by decree!

i always try to be a fair and just manager.

but i dont understand the hostility..

i have been trying to understand the reason behind the anger. but trying to understand deep rooted issues is not my forte.

i am not a psychologist. neither am i a baby-sitter.


grow up!


Monday, Jan. 24, called worst day of the year

British psychologist calculates 'most depressing day'

Arnall, who specializes in seasonal disorders at the University of Cardiff, Wales, created a formula that takes into account numerous feelings to devise peoples' lowest point.

The model is: ([W + (D-d)] x TQ)/M x NA

The equation is broken down into six identifiable factors: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

a yahoo offline message from atheistbishop

(1/21/2005 2:33:47 AM): Tereko, time whime ka kuch sense ich nahi hain? 3 bajrey, kuttey bhonk rey bahar, logan daaru peeko dandiya karrey rodon pey..

(1/21/2005 2:35:05 AM): arey, potti, baath vaath nai karthey? bhargayi tereku


he: get them to paint your face instead --it will be more fun

me: I would.. but both of them are fast asleep... and I end up watching that cindy margolis show.. it's ridiculous..and i'm still watching it.

he: oh good.... you are watching bouncing boobs - - whats the point in watching
people whose IQ is lower than their bra size?

he: great.

he: i was kidding freak

he: besides, its easier to learn than to forget.

me: wait till i get my hands on you!

he: you wish! still easier to learn


when i grow up, i want to be a stripper.

check out this story!

don't be that guy/girl from the 90s..

who still talks of PCI bus


welcome, gdkzen, the newest blogger baby!

and please be aware - he's crazy! heh.

gotcha, grey!


life is short.

yet you and i have experienced days that drag on endlessly.

today was one such day for me.

and you?

six billion of us live on this planet.

none of us get along perfectly. nor do any of us ever manage to let a single day go by without doing at least one crazy thing.

so that's at least six billion acts of stupidity, once every 24 hours.

and six billion potential disagreements, too.

i am all silly and emotional today..

he: why would you care i am coming to nyc?

me: who says I care?

he: ok. good.

me: do you like thai food?

he: no

me: how about italian?

he: no.

me: hmm.. what about indian food?

he: no.

me: arrrr. so what do you like?

he: nothing.

me: then why do you eat?

he: who said i do?

me: LIAR. what about the avaro burrito from the "whole foods" for dinner with the asahi beer..

he: i said thats what i ate that day. not what i liked.

me: and you cooking "green bell peppers and some tofu substituted for cheese in an onion-y zeera mix sorta thingy with fresh french bread i picked up... all bread is yummm.. especially foccacia and italian rustica...."

he: so what? i eat stuff. doesnt mean i like it

me: whatever!


You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy at times but friendly, and you are never weak and always independent. You are incredibly intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a talent for many things (sports, music, art). You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy the simple things. Like hanging out with friends and watching movies at home. But your sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just can't seem to break into the crowd and be noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing and speak out when you have more to say. Don't hide behind your books and sports and computer.. get out there and get noticed. You also have deep desires in life and feel vunerable and alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What helps me to express feelings and dreams that I can't say to people, is through my writing. Maybe you should try.

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

life isn't complicated

although there are times when it does seem extremely convoluted.


ok so i look FAT. can't help it. had 5 layers on.. and that too without reason. it really wasn't that cold. it was about 30 farenheit.. the last time i was in aspen, it was 6 degrees. stupid of me to not check the temp before heading out to the mountains. and yeah, in this pic, i was coming back for a lil rest after a really bad fall.

listening to mohd. rafi.

yeh dillagi yeh shokhiyan salaam ki
yehi to baat ho rahi hai kaam ki
koyi to mudh ke dekh lega is taraf
koyi nazar to hogi mere naam ki


sabi haseen sabi jawan
kahan pe dil ko haariye
sabi hai dil ke mehemaan
kise kise pukaariye

sometimes, i get magnetically attracted to incidents and issues that are negative and/or difficult.

i think i become like those people who are so wrapped up in a tv show that they can't hear the phone ring or see the people sitting next to them on the sofa.

i can't direct my focus towards something positive unless i first direct my gaze away from yesterday.


embarrass, minnesota, hits 54 below!

i don't really know what i'm doing here.

i fill my life with schemes and dreams, missions and motives, plans and policies. but underneath it all, the only thing i know for sure is that i don't really know anything for sure.

after a while of feeling overwhelmed by this fact, i've decided that the best thing to do is to ignore it. i need to focus on things i do know - like what i want for dinner or my game plan for next week.

but even now, the small questions are equally difficult to answer.

i'm confused. thoroughly confused.

my mom sent me this on friday, jan 14th. its my horrorscope!

Friday, 14th January 2005

(Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Remember Marvin, the paranoid android? In the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, he famously had a brain the size of a planet. There were times, though, when it didn't seem to do him much good. Intellect is like that. You can have a stratospheric IQ and still be pretty stupid when it comes to the important things. Like emotions, instincts and the subtle language of empathy that only those with sensitive hearts can speak. This weekend's big issues need to be addressed with the heart, not the head. Venus, though, is bringing you all the wisdom you need.


i'm off to aspen for 4 days.. not sure if i'll be able to update.

i thought i misplaced it
or maybe lost it
or maybe it wandered of..

and then i opened my closet

to find my smile waiting.

all it takes
is a head turn to the left right
just one glance

to light up my eyes.

no line can ever be completely straight.

draw it long enough, in any direction, and it will eventually be obliged to follow the curvature of the earth.

but that doesn't stop me from having a love affair with squares and oblongs. i love those sharp shapes with their cleanly-defined edges. i base my architecture upon them. sometimes it seems like i base my psychological expectations on their intellectual equivalent.

i realized that i don't really need things to be more clear-cut. maybe i just need to be more relaxed about boundaries.

people say there's no rest for the wicked.

could this possibly be why i'm often so short of sleep?


scene: at my local waterhole.
people: tommy the book, van the man, anne marie (the witch and van's girlfriend)

me: hey tommy, did you see my new snowboard?

tommy: sorry dude.. i wasn't around yesterday.

van: hey fm, you wanna see my snowboard? *wink wink*

anne marie: (in her high pitched voice!) but but.. umm.. sure you'd .. but.. i've seen it many times.

me: right! i'm sure you've ridden his board many times too!

uncle bob's FAQs are hilarious.

If you were to be the opposite sex for a single day, what would you do?

I'd definitely have sex just to see what it's like to have a wiener jammed up my coochie over and over again. I'd buy a vibrator to see what the fuss is all about. I'd stare at my boobs in a mirror for a few hours. I'd watch "Sleepless In Seattle" and sob uncontrollably because I could finally do sowithout coming off as a loser. I'd do the same with an "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" marathon. Then I'd probably do the dishes and the laundry if I knew what was good for me.

check out kalyan's amazing photography!

OMG! my new K2 spitfire snowboard (well my board looks better. this is just a general model pic) i am so ready for the weekend in aspen. thanks so much, s! muah!

mimo 802.11n

Belkin claims that when its pre-N base station and laptop card are used together, wireless coverage can increase up to 800% compared with "g" gear, and speed can increase up to 600%. And, in mixed setups with older Wi-Fi equipment, the company says range can increase up to 20%.


not a finalized spec but still cool

the new year, so far, has been erratic.


one of my favorite Rush songs:

[From The Pass, lyrics by Neil Peart.]
and now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
staring down into a heartless sea
can't face life on a razor's edge
nothing's what you thought it would be

it's not as if this barricade
blocks the only road
it's not as if you're all alone
in wanting to explode

someone set a bad example
made surrender seem all right
the act of a noble warrior
who lost the will to fight

no hero in your tragedy
no daring in your escape
no salutes for your surrender
nothing noble in your fate ...

this guy has talent.

i loved most of the photographs he took. maybe i need to go to india and find all that hidden talent.


day 2: working from home again.

i lost my voice today.. my cats think i've gone crazy with all the sign/sigh language!


in my world, there's a locked door.. somewhere.

i've tried to open it many times. and i think i have something that looks very much like the key.

it still doesn't work.

i've given up many times - in disgust or disappointment.

maybe i should rethink the whole situation. have i been turning the key the wrong way? or is there a bolt that must be undone before the door can open?

i can't summon a phoenix unless i first get myself some ashes.

i am strong and lucky.

my luck isn't the kind of luck that wins lotteries. but it is the kind that allows me to land on my feet, even when i fall from quite a height.

i absolutely have a crush on this man!

i've always wanted to visit Prague.

Country: Czech Republic

Prague by the Numbers:
Population: 1.23 million
Elevation: 770 feet
Land Area: 191 square miles
Average Annual Rainfall: 19.3 inches
Average January Temperature: 30 degrees F
Average July Temperature: 63 degrees F

Quick Facts:
Major Industries: Engineering, Manufacturing, Tourism
Electricity: 220-230 volts, 50 Hz. standard two-pin plugs
Time Zone: GMT + 1
Country Dialing Code: 420
Area Code: 02

Did You Know?
Good King Wenceslas from Christmas carol fame is buried in Prague.

Prague, the nation's capital, is located in north central Czechoslovakia along the Vltava River. Berlin stands 217 miles to the north, Paris 652 miles west, and Budapest 341 miles to the southeast.

a door in a Prague building.

astrological clock in Prague.

20 whacky excuses for calling in sick:
  1. I was sprayed by a skunk.
  2. I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
  3. My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
  4. I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
  5. I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
  6. I couldn't find my shoes.
  7. I hurt myself bowling.
  8. I was spit on by a venomous snake.
  9. I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
  10. A hitman was looking for me.
  11. My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
  12. I eloped.
  13. My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
  14. My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
  15. I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
  16. I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.
  17. I forgot what day of the week it was.
  18. Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
  19. A tree fell on my car.
  20. My monkey died.

what about this excuse: i'm really ill - fever, headache, nausea?

ugh. i'm working from home today. i really wanted to go to work. its my friend AK's birthday. and i always get an icecream cake for everyone's birthday. i wont be able to do it today.



spot: foot of the rockies mountains.

feeling: amazing. and how lucky i am to see this. to be alive to feel this happy and content.

thought: sigh. and i used to try to find happiness in all things worldly.

food: a bit of humble pie.

great things are often overrated.

little things count for a lot more.

reasons are cheap. explanations are tawdry.

its quite easy to use words to make a convincing case that'll satisfy the intellectual requirements of critics.

hearts, though, aren't so easy to fool.

those deep inner feelings will always ingore clever talk. so if i ever am looking for meaning, i should remember to analyze actions and not words.

i'm not a fanatical perfectionist.

if something is good enough to do the job, i'll usually accept it without further question.

only in a few, selected areas of life are my standards fastidiously high.


heavy metal + crazy pen twirling technique = really fresh


i'm going back to colorado. and i can't wait. i can't wait to see the clear blue skies, the sun shining on the snow-covered mountain side. i can't wait to break free.

The Queen Mom - fell asleep on her throne.

so i realized something about ari - his favorite TV show is Animal Planet's Amazing Animal Videos. i changed the channel and he attacked me! bit my chin. ugh. he was so sweet as a baby (pictured here). now he's a monster!


hey u.. wanna get hitched ? i know we'll fight a lot and you will claw my eyes out every other moment... but i know i can make you smile even when the world's coming to an end...so what say.. u game ?

what kind of a proposal is that?!


he: whatcha doin' tomorrow evening?

me: nothing. why?

he: wanna come down to new brunswick? we're getting together tomorrow..

me: what are you guys planning on doing?

he: we're having a burping and farting contest.. and i NEED you! hahahahah

ewwww! some people will never grow up.


wanna know what Pi sounds like?


boats lined up in central park!

knights templar coming out of hiding..

or just some looney looking to be famous!


well this is a relief!

these bastards left no fowarding address when they moved. every year my Xmas cards to them get returned.

sometimes, he makes a lot of sense:

he: its been quite a while since you last heard from him, right? does his silence speak volumes? no doubt about it. but dont be so sure that you know what those volumes contain.

me: uh huh.

he: trust me. sometimes, when we're uncomfortable about something within ourselves, we find it difficult to communicate with the very people whose opinions we value the most (or for whom we feel the strongest). just give it time.

me: time is a luxury i can't afford right now.

the attitude i foster this year:

what do i have to lose?
not much.

what do i have to learn?
a great deal.


here's where i went for new year's.

happy new year, world