s and a should change their names to groucho marx or something.. they just don't know how to have fun. how sad is that? not for me.. because i can handle a few change in plans.. but some people never grow up. and neither do they learn to have fun if things don't go their way.

sad sad sad.

actually its sad for me too.. i have do deal with grouchos. but it wont remain this way for long.. cuz i'm moving out!!! yeah yeah yeah. and then i can actually live life.

am i glad?


for some reason, i can't seem to get this guy off my mind.. he's this real cute canadian who played baseball for my college in georgia. i knew him only for a year. i transferred to a bigger school and sigh, left him behind.

he was so purrrfect.

oh how i just wish i could remember his whole name.. jeff ... something.
damn! i just can't remember his last name.


ok so i shouldn't have been so harsh in my previous post. (um a post that i had to delete thanks to s).
but hey, i just can't stand it when people behave in such a poor manner.

a tall sight he is.
lost in his own world.
endears himself to me.


merry christmas, world.

note: yes i did write that i'll be sad for christmas. any doubts?


click here to listen to heer mentioned above.

the world's funniest joke:

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.


i'm sure gurutheman was on a high when he wrote this (heheh):

what if Afroman sang lil somethin' somethin' like below (from Osama's perspective):

I was gonna blow up my balls
but i got high
instead i blew up WTC
'cuz i was high
now my taliban ass is busted
cuz i got high
why man? why?
cuz i am high.
i am playing hide n seek now
cuz i got high
US soldiers wants my head
cuz i am high
i took shelter inside caves
cuz to get high
but the US keeps bombing my scary ass
cuz i am high.
i made FBI's most wanted list
cuz i am high
my followers eat lice
from my goat beard
cuz they are high
i stunk up whole Afghanistan
cuz i got high
[suddenly Whitney Houston cuts in for the ending(from Osama's perspective again)];
.....And I will always
be a son of a bitch.....

i've been bitching and moaning the whole day.
maybe i should wear something that says - abercrombie and bitch.

ok. so i had my last exam today. (um, technically it was yesterday). i was so ready to crash during the exam. and that arm of mine hurt like hell. i was almost writhing in pain. so i ended up taking a caffeine pill on an empty stomach.


i'm still all wired up.

and i should be happy that this fucking semester is over. but no. i cannot be happy. because i'm so wired up its driving me insane.
and i make another big mistake.
i went to see The Lord of the Rings.
all i can remember thinking was - "how much longer.. o lord.. how much longer?".
it left me so unsatisfied.


my sense of humor and i are in orthogonal subspaces.


Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Thursday, 20th December 2001

Two big days loom large on your horizon. You have been busily preparing yourself for one of these for quite some while. You know it is due, you can't see any way to avoid it and, though you are steeling yourself for an intense experience, you suspect that somehow things will work out OK. The other big day is Christmas... about which, I shall say more next week. First though let's get you through and past the day of reckoning which is coming today or tomorrow. This will not be as tough as you fear. Indeed, it will be fine!

what the foolmaker said on august 16th, 2000:

the sun's piercing... I squint my eyes.
I think... random thoughts.. a crooked smile moulds my lips.
the wind's blowing northeast.. I'm headed the same direction..
the wind's flirting with my hair.. passers-by smile.
I feel a muscle twitch in my arm.. makes me look at my arm.
a soft gentle rub.. I like my skin.. it's soft.
my mood's been slightly and pleasantly intoxicated..

and today, december 19th, 2001:

there is no sun. not even a ray of hope.
yet i squint and look for it.
no randomness surrounds me. neither does a smile.
the wind blows away - north or south/east or west - i know not.
all i know it clouds my eyes.
strangers weep and mourn, and share sorrow.
muscle spasms span my body.
my mind's been slightly and weirdly aloof.

what the foolmaker said on november 22nd, 2000:

i feel like a lone photon.
crashing against all these negatives.

and today, december 19th, 2001:

i still feel the same.

another one on Bush and Bin Laden:

something i just thought of..

Q What do you get when you cross Bush and Bin Laden?

A. Laden Buns!

hahahhahahahahahaahah wasn't that hilarious?

ok. so now you know how stressed out / freakishly dyslexic i am.
and i have reason to be.
i'm losing my mind :-p

ooh ooh in that "Bun Laden" post below.. that "Bun" is pronounced as "Boon"

and every time i say "Boon Laden" everybody starts cracking up!

whatever :-p


since we hadn't eaten any fast food in a long long time. two mistakes i made:

1. went to mcdonalds.
2. tried their new Spicy Chicken Sandwich.


heh. so i realize its one word. but it was so shitty.. i had forgotten why i don't really like fast food as much... well today's trip did remind me.


ok. so i'm really screwed up in the head. and when did i realize this?

i was reading this article on yahoo.. and the title was something like - Bush.. Bin Laden..

when asked what i was reading.. and i came up with

.."oh.. something on Bun Laden.."

and then i realized what i said. maybe i'm dyslexic or something..

are you searching for a tisha asher? don't look here.. cuz you wont find her


a BIG thank you to mw for that physics book i really really wanted.
< i definitely needed that mental therapy along with my physical therapy >.



Jock or Nerd?

Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That's $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game. with $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? HOWEVER, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins!

i have to wake up in 3 hours. yet i can't seem to get a wink of sleep.
and my accent has been bothering me. don't ask why.
and i remember that one roach that had me up all night at andrew waayyy back in '97.
and then i remember those pretty chirstmas cards i have to send out to friends.
and i feel my heart sinking
because i know i will not be able to wish two of the people closest to my heart.
for i will not be able to give my big bear hug. nor will i be able to slobber them with kisses.
and i realized i never did put up my wishlist.
so i went ahead and putit where it belongs: right below the archives link.

and i realized i have so many things to do, books to read, music to listen to, wines to taste, brains to chew, people to nag..

and then i realize i wont last long enough.

...The planets insist you are 'owed something' and that it's time the score was settled.


and i was crying the whole freaking day about what a failure i am..



in the cemetery
white as a ghost
i feel the may heat
though buried to my soul.

sheets of rain
and then it pours
wash away the dirt
from fresh mounds.

bones unveiled
some flesh too
the rain glued wings
and then the soul flew.

the thunderous clouds
do make a beautiful gray
they did bid me adieu
as they made way

for those rays of sunshine
that sweep the cemetery
and purge the souls
to set them free.

i wait patiently
with arms open wide
and i look around
quite surprised
i find not an ounce of shade
nor a tree in sight.

why is there no rain on me?
i wish to bathe in its holiness.
no rays of sunshine do i see
and i want to ask for forgiveness.

and i do want my soul set free.

and i've been gone for long
so why does no tombstone exist?
i shiver and shudder and realize
for i don't exist.

tisha asher ? you wont find her here...

i was seriously feeling guilty about not exercising.. and then i read this! hohoho. hilarious:


I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where she is.

a friend and i were discussing old times.. way back in india.. when we were young and ruthless in some ways :-p

so here's a piece of the dialogue:

ab: I think I told you that I used to maintain a diary
me: yeah i remember
ab: in that i used to write about us and in that I wrote one of your poems
me: whoa.
ab: was reading it a few weeks back
ab: .. the best part is that the raw emotion that I was capable of at that time doesnt seem to be there now
me: we grow. and so does our control.
ab: I miss that sometimes
ab: that untempered flow of thoughts where logic had little place
me: true. ha. what we were and what we've become..
me: if given a chance, would you rather be your oldself?
ab: have to think about it.. but very hypothetically
ab: I guess I will like to live that life
me: i'd rather be the new me. (i'm still the old me in most ways.. except i look better.. hahaha how egotistical of me!)
ab: but the new u is I think a lot more fun
ab: am i right?
me: yes
me: yeah i'm a lot more daring.. a lot more honest about what i want.. and i definitely say what's on my mind.. that can be fun
ab: but what about what you have on your mind? is it adulterated with logic?
me: um no not really.
me: i have this *ahem* uncanny knack of switching personalities to suit the situation.. so when i'm with people i can really be myself.. i tell *logic* to fuck off.
me: heheheheh
ab: yes thats true
ab: I think I am a bloody natural critic
ab: yes thats true
me: that you are


i finally went ahead and got myself a really cool room for next semester.
i chose the $550 one.

ok. so i realize i said it was very expensive. so why did i go ahead with it?

1) because i really really liked it.

2) unlike the first one ($380), the landlord of the chosen place is ultra-cool. he has no problems if i clean the place or not.. he doesn't care if i have overnight visitors every single day. the only criterion he has is that i don't party in the room. because he has two gorgeous little kids.. well, that works perfectly for me!
the pathetic moron that i am, i dont party at all. as for being loud, *ahem*, i'll try and keep it all down ;-) heheheh

3) the $380 one would amount to
$380 rent +
$70 gas +
$15 water =

plus there would be other expenses.. like pooling in money to buy "paper products" (toilet paper, etc).
and the landlord is this late 50's-ish hyperactive lady who thinks she's so young! she had tooo many rules and regulations. and one of them is that the house must always be spotless!

i'm moving out there so i can study. i'm not cleaning the house every single day.

and she has this fat excuse of a daughter (in her 30's) living down in the basement. she has nothing to do with the house.. yet she rats on everyone of the roommates..
she looks like those sewage rats - fat and all - become like that by eating shit!

it was a definite no-no.

4) the chosen house is beautiful. new construction. the entrance to the second floor (my room) is separate. separate kitchen.

5) the second floor has two bedrooms. one will be occupied by a short witch (courtesy: my friends) and the other will be occupied by this guy. a mechanical engineering senior. and he's ultra-cool too.

6) the house is right opposite one of my alltime favorite thai places. yes. that's a good enough reason :-p.

7) .. i can go on and on and on. but i'll end with a repeat. i really like that place.

now i can go.


quote of the day
"Sound really does travel slower than light. The advice parents give to their 18-year-olds doesn't reach them until they're about 40."

an interesssting way to justify your weekend activities:

A heard of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks, and that's why alcohol is sooooooooo GOOD for you!

oh btw, i made the decision about the room. and since i have no more stamina.. i'll let you know in the morrow :)

but i'll have this really cool bunkbed (kids bunkbed) that i saw at ikea. i must have it.


i HATE school


today, i took the time to concentrate. i put my mind through an
enjoyable, strenuous workout and felt the power as my
mental muscles grew ever stronger.

i took time to study.

> > i have yet to learn how to live.
> you cant learn to live...

perhaps not.... but i would atleast know that i cannot learn to live... i havent learned that yet.

its like when one starts building walls brick by brick... eventually you figure out if you were building the wall to keep everyone out or keep yourself in...

either way, you gotta learn

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23)

By nature you are creative and capable. Unlike those who shy from hard work, you relish a task that requires plenty of commitment and dedication. Provided it preoccupies you constructively and promises a result of high quality, you'll let it take as long as it needs to. The trouble is, right now, you are being asked to perform an instant miracle. You face a situation that requires an immediate response yet you have little faith in short cuts. Don't lower your standards, just employ the cleverest trick you know. And you'll be fine.

yes. this is me. this is definitely me.

so i saw 3 rooms today.

let me describe them:

1) 21, South 6th Ave. The owner's daughter lives in the basement of the building. 2 brazilian students live there right now. but the owner (the mother of that fat basement girl) is worse than my mom.. i think. she has certain rules that HAVE to be followed. like, no overnight visitors.. which i don't really mind. then, i HAVE to chip in for toilet paper and things like that.. which again i don't mind. and, once a week, i HAVE to clean the whole bathroom really nice.. vaccuum the place.. blah blah. basically keep it clean.
i must admit that the place was really neat. and i must also admit that one of the brazilian women that i met was really hot. so i'm tempted ;-)

rent: $380/month

2) 501, South 1st Ave. basically, a 5 member Jewish family who want to rent out one of the rooms in the basement to save money for their daughter's college fund. The lady worked at Telecordia for a long time.. she got laid (off) last week. I don't know what the husband does. they have 3 kids - 16 year old Rachel (whose room is next to the one i'll get); 13 year old Dalia and (almost) 7 year old Adam..

Basically she needs someone who will set a GOOD example for her kids.. blah blah. but that house is really really nice.. even the wood on the floors looks so expensive.. the room i'll get has 2 phone jacks.. its small.. but its tasteful.

i don't know why i'm apprehensive. maybe because i dont know how i'll get along with that 16yr old. (we have to share a bathroom). but she'll be leaving for Jerusalem on Feb 1st and will return on June 1st. so that shouldn't be a problem. again though, i'll be living with a family..

maybe i thought, by moving out here and living with people closer to me in age, would help me loosen up.. and just live. without having to think twice before taking every step.

rent: $400/month

3) 218, Magnolia Street. This place is right opposite the Highland Park Public Parking. And its a HUGE room. well compared to the other two atleast.. owner lives on the first floor.. with a wife and two kids. he seems a nice guy.. young and non-interfering. there are two rooms on the second floor. one is occupied by a guy who's doing his undergrad in mechanical engineering. he's ok. he's usually never around.. because he works and goes to school.

i really liked this one. especially because i didn't find the people weird. the room is really nice. we have a private kitchen.. and its so close to raritan ave.

rent: $550/month.

now that's what's bothering me. $550! i can't afford it.

what do you think would be perfect for me? well i'm just kinda between the deepsea and the devil out here.. please please help me.

< woof >
is this guy hot or what?


oye vey. i'll sleep. as soon as i post this beautiful email (because its an ego-booster :-p )
this is what one of my best friends from back home had written a few years ago, trying to cheer me up when i was all down and depressed. because my gpa had scaled down to a 3.3 from a 3.86 (what a dork i am). if i had a 3.3 now i'd be estatic!

oye whenever you feel that the work is very hard and things are so sickeningly monotonous remember why you are doing it inb the first place. and that it is because there are some jerks back there in India who respect and love. love u because you are just so damn lovable and respect you because you are so goddamn successful. while we here were chasing skirts, you were out there chasing your dreams. while we were getting sandals, on our faces, sheepishly. you were getting pats,deservedly and sometimes brickbats,bravely.while the only thing we worried about was the cash flow diagram we had to trace of the cash from dad's pocket to ours, you were dealing with cash flowing from others pockets to your company's. while we were reading guides a day before to become scholars you were guiding a team of scholars thru their day.

i know he exxagerated a bit. but that's because he's my friend. and he loves me so dearly.

what is:

how do i come up with such things..
and that too at this hour!

rain drops and dance
strange kind of romance
i dont know what to cry about
but i'm feeling fine..

i sit.
watch the rythm
and the madness
to the method.

and i get bored.
of reality.
of living.

not my style.

i figured something out today.
i had sensed it earlier..
but today. today was special.
it finally dawned upon my stupid brain
that i MUST leave others alone.

i have an extremely complicated life. and to try and not stress out over this fact, i have to do certain things. to survive, i have to say certain things. to get through till june, 2002, i have to live a certain way. don't ask why. i just have to do it.

and i have no right to complicate not only my life, but the life of others too. i still love and care for my family and the few friends i do have.. but i seriously have no business complicating their lives.
back to the drawing board.
redesigning my entire way of living.
rethinking a completely different philosophy.

and i think i'd be able to manage.

of course. i have a new life's resolution: no complaining.


on a different note, i saw the room in that huge house close to school.
it is more than what i had expected.
especially for $420 a month.
its a beauty.
but you know my luck, right?
and if i know it too..
i will not get it.

not much i can do about it.

never do my dreams come true.
i guess that's why they're dreams.


ok. so i got so mad that i messed up my previous entry.. and since i have no patience to rectify it.. here's the entry (copied and pasted)

fuck these young over-achievers.
well yeah, academically they might be brilliant..
but when it comes to human feelings.. a little tolerance..
being less selfish, more giving and accomodating..


i wanted to rant and blow my top off.. since AD was barely awake, i found Tom more than willing to see me go freaking crazy over this worldy-dumb, selfish asshole..

Thank you so much, Tommy.

fuck these young over-achievers.
well yeah, academically they might be brilliant..
but when it comes to human feelings.. a little tolerance..
being less selfish, more giving and accomodating..


i wanted to rant and blow my top off.. since but i have so many debts to pay up before i do so.
maybe in a few years.. with a few good offers under my belt.. i'll be able to repay all the loans sooner than i think.
and then, at last,

i'll rest in peace.

in response to How British I Am:

I am 72.5% British, just like
Michael Caine
Though you know your way around London you are most likely to retire to the West Coast of the USA.

Take the Brit Quiz at

Quiz written by Daz

[If I were an online test, I would be How British Are You?]

I'm How British Are You?!

I know the differences between Brits and Americans, and I'm just so glad to tell you all about them. I won't say too much, though, or I'll exceed my daily bandwidth limit. Again.

Click here to find out which test you are!

i always thought i was french. blah. i'd rather be french..


Adam Sandler's Astrology...

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22): You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22): You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22): You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22): You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22): You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22): You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22): You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22): You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22): You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Solar neutrinos are produced by the nuclear reactions that power the Sun. The fusion of proton plus proton (pp) to deuterium plus positron plus neutrino is responsible for 98% of the energy production of the sun. Therefore these pp-neutrinos are the most plentiful, and the most reliably estimated. About 60 billion pp-neutrinos pass through a square centimeter at the Earth each second. They are relatively low energy, however, with a continuous spectrum that ends at 420 keV. In addition, there are several rarer reactions which also produce neutrinos. The electron capture on Beryllium-7 produces a sharp line of Beryllium-7 neutrinos at 861 keV. A small fraction of the time, Beryllium-7 captures a proton instead of an electron, to form Boron-8. The beta decay of Boron-8:

8B -> 8Be + e+ + nu_e

produces a continuous spectrum of neutrino energies that extends to 15 MeV. Super-K is sensitive to these rare but high energy Boron-8 neutrinos.

more info out here..


I Won't Revise sing to the tune of "I Will Survive"

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no
revision guide, But then I spent so many nights,
getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,

I won't look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get
completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I'd thought for just one second my
exams would bother me,

So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don't even matter... that there's no rock
night anymore...
weren't you the one,
Who tried to get me to revise?
You think I'd crumble? You think I'd work
towards the skies?

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise!
Unless I die of beer stains, I know
I'll stay alive,
Though my money's at an end,
I've my overdraft to spend,
I won't revise,
I won't revise!!

It took all the strength I had, not
to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn't
even start.
I used to sit at home at night,
feeling guilty to myself, I used to try,
But now I hold my head up high,

And you see me! Somebody new!
I'm not that mixed up weird bloke
who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in,
chances are that I'll be free,
Coz I've done sod all revision, and
I'm failing my degree,

Oh no, not I!
I won't revise,
I think that I may scrape a third,
but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed's far too nice and warm,
I won't revise,
I won't revise,
oh dear!!

so i am?

If I were a work of art, I would be Sandro Botticelli's Birth of Venus.

I am a beautiful and alluring composition, not afraid to show off a good deal of bare flesh. People surround me and gaze at me with the adulation due a goddess and friendly breezes gently push me along my path in life.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

how egoistic is that now?

so let me try retaking the test:

If I were a work of art, I would be Edvard Münch's The Scream.

I express the subconscious troubles and anxieties of the world. I hold my head and let loose the primal terror of my innermost fears, surrounded by a lurid landscape which reflects my feeble grasp on reality.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

hm. interesting. you know what? I definitely am a combination of both.
and now i have a big big ego. :-p


i hate it when i lose my mind..
my mind tends to have a mind of its own..
and that stupid freak wanders off every now and then.

what's a poor me supposed to do?

so many exams, so many projects, so much to study.. looks like you people out there must be so bored of my "chinese-civilization" old rant. my life's getting boring.. same old stories to tell. aiyayyo.

show me some love, people!
i don't know if i deserve it or not, but i definitely need it!

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when
a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times
in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine
for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
"What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet
came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and
explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second
daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee
and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to
worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the
boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom,
"I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came
out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

i'm just so tired. and i don't even know if this joke is funny.. a friend forwarded it to me.. but you tell me: is this joke corny or have i lost my sense of humor?

some funny bumper stickers: (as you noticed, i ran out of things to say today)

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.
44) I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.


i feel...

in the poker game of life, we all turn out to be big bluffers.

play out social roles.
follow protocols.
say and do what's expected of us.

this causes me to suspect...


its amazing
how dishevelled i can sometimes feel on the inside
whilst appearing to others to be perfectly fine.

even some of my most perceptive friends seem to be
blissfully unaware of the secret agonies that i'm now going through

i wont bother enlightening them

the best way to stabilise this internal volcano is not to talk about it
-- or tackle it --
but just to get on
with as much normal business as possible.

i will pretend all is ok for a while
i may yet realise
that actually
it is ok after all.

its all a matter of time, my friend.


its one thing to be unhappy about something specific
another to be uncomfortable for a set of vague reasons that don't add up.

a part of me prefers to live in blissful ignorance than to confront a set of harsh realities

if my ignorance was truly blissful, it might be another story
but i am half aware of one thing
and i am half-imagining something else

it's almost unsatisfactory.

HORSE (1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990)
The independent Horse may find it hard to stick with one lover in their youth; they want to experience so much of life that one partner may not suffice. A younger Horse matches up well with an older lover. The Horse appreciates wisdom imparted from a caring partner in a non-judgmental manner. Older Horses can be found with younger partners, eternally seeking passionate experiences with Monkeys, Dogs and Tigers.

whoa whoa. slow down, horse.

a day with mw is always amazing.
as usual, i reached his office about a half hour late.. and profusedly apologized.. and his response was the usual "oh. its perfectly alright" :)
man, i love that man. hehe.

we had so much to talk about.. felt like ages since we shared the bits and pieces of our complicated lives.
"disconnectedness is a bad thing." its a very bad thing.

as always, good food is something we both are crazy about.. and the best way to share our joys, fears, problems was over some good chinese food at Shanghai Park on raritan avenue. veg fried rice and chicken with snow peas... yum. one thing i noticed though, the place was overcrowded and that we were the only non-chinese people out there. and that was definitely weird. i thought indian joints were noisy.. but i was surprised! whoa! people screaming across the restaurant.. kids crying.. yikes. i could barely hear mw. (especially because i had ear drops in my ear that leave me partially deaf for a few hours.) it was fun though.

i hardly ate anything in the beginning. i had so much to cry about. and so much to listen to. and so much to be confused about. but once i poured my heart out in the form of tears, i realized i was famished!

its nice to know that i am trusted by someone as special as mw. some people just know how to make you smile, how to wash away all your troubles, how to make your day. and mw is just one of them. and everyday is thanksgiving for me - i have such nice people to thank God for. :)

aiyah. me is girly-girl now.


something i found interesting:

> Healthy Thoughts
> When I was young, I admired clever people. As I
> grew old, I came
> to admire kind people.
> - Abraham Joshua Heschel

To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside.
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings
when she wants to fly.
And when you find yourself helpless in her arms,
You know you really love a woman.

You love a woman
Tell her she's really wanted.
You love a woman
Tell her that she's the one.
She needs somebody to tell her
That its going to last forever.
So tell me have you every really
Really really ever loved a woman..

bah. i'm such a girly-girl these days..

Subject: Quarter Life Crisis

"This puts it all into words perfectly. They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn'tknow and may or may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.

You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.


You are _forbidden_ to think such things.

well. i am in heaven. and i dont really care about anybody..
nothing can really spoil my mood today.
so buzz off.

$50k and a lead analyst position is not too bad for an undergrad :-p

one last note before i go to sleep.

welcome back rs. you were definitely missed.

i didn't even realize i was quoted on October 13th, 2001 by the great samurai himself.
i've been so out of the loop recently =(

but, it definitely definitely is an honor.

(btw, i noticed i've been using definitely in almost every sentence.. can't be good).

on a separate note, goodnight world. i think i'm in love with the moon.

x/x/x/x/x/x/x/DUKE ORSINO:

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
But falls into abatement and low price,
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical.


Will you go hunt, my lord?

x/x/x/x/x/x/x/DUKE ORSINO

What, Curio?


The hart.

x/x/x/x/x/x/x/DUKE ORSINO

Why, so I do, the noblest that I have:
O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,
Methought she purged the air of pestilence!
That instant was I turn'd into a hart;
And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,
E'er since pursue me.


oh what puns i do like shakespeare.

What if you leave and never return,
and worse, what if you return and never leave.
I fear being alone, but what if I tell you that
even more I fear never being alone.

the end note is particularly interesting:
Note: There is some scepticism in regards to aphrodisiacs. The FDA has it's own view.
An aphrodisiac for one may not work for another, so experiment and find out what works for you and your lover.

well well well.
i think chocolate really works for me.. :-p