an empty frame

77 days
not a tear shed

2033 heart breaks

a bundle of joy
in my arms

umbilical shreds

a ripped heart
a torn soul

lost forever

an empty frame

all that remains?

4 hearts
infinite love

my baby - he's gone.

twisted mind
a moment of insanity

and all is snatched.

implacable vengeance
last thought

before i lay him to rest.


Joy, Life and Son of Josh, Tish, Steve and Lisa

born: August 14th, 2003
died: October 30th, 2003

May Arian's soul rest in peace.

i do wonder if there really is a God.. for if He does exist, he plays dirty games with us.



partners in crime?

this evening, as i sat by the window, staring out into the dusk, i realized that darkness and light are not irreconcilable opposites. they are partners in crime. allies with an identical agenda.

they need each other. their relationship is entirely symbiotic. without darkness, light would have nothing to dispel or to highlight. without light, nobody would ever know what darkness really was.

and i'm still waiting for my partner in crime..

me: some people keep strange pets. spiders, snakes, large ferocious beasts.. i wonder what on earth they see in them.

he: hey... i could say the same about a lot of people's husbands :p


a room

four walls
one roof
one floor
and yet i feel lost

he told me
to hide
in there
in that room

he left me behind
locked the door

vacant space
and nothing within
me either

i surrender
to impulsive thoughts
and wait

12,045 cracks
on one wall and
on the others?

i fall asleep
to wake up cold
and find no one to hold

too tired to know
where i need to go
so i wait

i wait till dawn
and then dusk comes
my way

the blue blood
and the red river

tears of blood
flow in vain
i see his ghost
disappear in the rain

unspoken promises
kept me going
until i didn't see
a dawn

nor did i see a dusk.

four walls a roof a floor
and i still feel empty.

put it behind you, make it a part of your past, draw a line in the sand. then fill that line with cement. while it's setting, insert upright steel poles at regular intervals. attach panels of flat stainless steel to those poles. weld them together. then string some barbed wire along the top. send an electric pulse through it all just for good measure. that should keep yesterday at bay.

will it? memories have a strange way of defying all our attempts to banish them. they cannot be ‘controlled’. they can only be acknowledged, accepted, made room for and lived with.

i find myself at a loss
i ponder what life is all about
and ask what is my purpose.

friends in vritual / real life
find me a happy person
one who can help them feel good about life

then there's my family
who think i'm melancholic
and maybe i am

i tend to over-analyze
and i tend to over-criticize
everything that i say and do

and then i remember
that i should be thankful i'm alive.
i tend to take life for granted
besides other things.

and i often complain
that i'm bored.
bored of what though?
i know not.

i plucked the surfboard out of the sand
and ran towards the waves

i create illusions.



One totally bereft of a poetic nature.

- Foolkiller, The Amazing Spiderman

Unthread the rude eye of rebellion,
And welcome home again discarded faith.

- William Shakespeare, The Life and Death of King John (Melun at V, iv)


weather or color of the wallpaper?

these days its getting harder to find bland topics of conversation.. everything is potentially contentious.

mention the weather and you're a step away from global warming.

and since we all know that color preferences speak volumes about a person's psychological profile, mention the wallpaper and you could be broadcasting your deep, dark secrets.

i have two options:

don't talk.
don't listen.

and both work for me.

another day.
another balancing act.
another reason to think twice.
another pitfall to avoid.
another complication to take into account.
another precarious arrangement to protect.


stability is strange stuff.

i crave it yet i abhor it too. i need a little drama or danger in order to get my heart beating faster. when all is steady, its easy to tumble into a torpor and forget that i am alive.

when i have a chance to choose a sensible path or a crazy one, i sometimes feel obliged to opt for the latter. i feel that unacceptable situations need to be challenged.. but do i have to put my comfort at risk in the process?

alcohol is not good.


my heart put on the skechers and dashed way far ahead in time..
but my feet are still firmly planted on the ground.
even though my heart and my head bid me say farewell...
i will most definitely stand my ground.

my honor
my unspoken promise
my word

against my whole life.

and even though some of you cannot fathom the concept..

i can throw away my whole life to the winds..

all for.. yes..
my honor
my unspoken promise
my word .

i go through the "dubba-peepa" syndrome ever so often these days. its like i'm lost.. in the middle of the spectacular banff.. witnessed by someone i love. and would i still love the same?

my love is sad. i wont meet him the same way i did. he made me grow up..

he: why does the future excite me so much?

me: maybe because its the easiest thing for you to alter..


some people chase challenges.

i'd rather 'rent out' my current situation and queue up to watch a horror movie or ride the roller coaster.

VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23)

Maybe you can't jump tall buildings in a single bound. Perhaps, if you were to try racing faster than a speeding locomotive, you would not win. But in one respect you are undoubtedly blessed with a truly superhuman power. You have X-ray vision, at least in the psychic sense. You can see right through certain people. You can tell what they really think and feel. Even if you can't read their minds, you can tell what's in their hearts. A mixture of Plutonian and Uranian influences now make your instincts exceptionally accurate.

some people resolutely refuse to believe that aliens walk among us.

clearly, they have never met the folk who live in the apartment next to mine!

all i need is a little ingenuity, hardwork and plenty of luck.


a funeral, i prepare for
a requiem to write
a heart to bury
when no one's in sight.

a murder to commit
a crime to create
a heart to kill
when everything's at stake.

with fatigue of shock
those eyes do stare
at the invisible knife
and its murderous glare.

it comes closer
weaving in and out
chasing my voice
though i can't shout.

menacing prancing
sweeping glancing
reeling curling
ritualistic dancing.

i see it coming
i stand still
accept the fact
was born to be killed.

all i asked
was a little tlc
respect, faith
and to be set free.

naive of me
thought i deserved it
forgot my life
wasn't really mine to lead.

but now its all over
i wont feel a thing
my life will end
even before it begins

my wishes, my dreams
turned into the knife
tugging shredding tearing
my heart out of life.

scared or scarred?
wont know till it ends
seppukku? maybe
i see the knife, it bends.

the knife is out
with shreds of flesh
blood oozing and pouring
in a frenzy, a mad rush.

no scream, no pleas
a silent death
all i want
is me put to rest.


he: life's most difficult experiences are always the ones that teach us the most.

me: does that mean that we should get ourselves into as much trouble as possible in order to have a very valuable education?

it's all about first impressions..

illusions delight me.
and excite me.

i like to witness them.
and i like to create them too.

maybe that's why i put so much attention into packaging.

but then again.. don't we all?

a lot of us think hard about how we present ourselves to others, how we dress, how we speak, how we send out certain signs and signals.

oh yeah! its all about the first impressions, honey.

i did learn something new today..

imagination and self-indulgence are very practical things.
and there's a point and purpose to a certain amount of time-wasting.
truly practical people appreciate the importance of inefficiency.
when i try too hard to make every second count, or every penny... i raise an impossible expectation.

and there's nothing practical about that.


fellatio reduces the risk of breast cancer?

i think not!


welcome to the wonderful world of irony.


happy birthday, s.

i love you very very much. muah!