7.31.2003



some people are scared of their own shadow.

i wonder if our shadow is the dark side of our own nature? our gloom-monger, fear creator, prejudice installer, resentment generator.

i have one. and i have to learn to live with it.



so much for popular taste

think of some of the lousy records that have reached number one on the charts. or some of the dreadful films that have taken the box office by storm. what about some of the ludicrous people, elected by millions, to serve in the highest office of the land.



red bull gives you wings!

7.30.2003



i've made my decision. i'll retire in austria. and don't ask me why.




i have a crush on her



a good joke for all you cricket enthusiasts out there:

A cricket match is on between the Aussies & Indians at Wankhede Stadium.

Bal Thackrey is sitting in the balcony watching it.

He's very happy that the Pakistanis are not there.

Suddenly Sachin hits a sixer to McGrath and the ball lands up just next to
Bal Thackrey's seat.

McGrath shouts, 'Hey ! Gimme the ball back.'

Thackrey shouts back, 'Yey Marathit bol.' (speak in Marathi). McGrath doesn't understand a
thing & repeats his statement


This gets the same reply from Thackrey. Now, a security official standing
at the boundry goes to McGrath & tells him,

'Sir, that is Bal Thackrey.' Now McGrath is excited, he has heard about
him) and shouts,

'OH! BALL TAK REY.' (oh! throw the ball or oh! Bal Thackrey (name said with a heavy australian accent)

Bal Thackrey is happy and throws the ball back to him.



are you a metrosexual?

7.29.2003



i resent having my choices taken away from me.

makes me wonder if restriction is a curse or a blessing.. hmm.



me: rules. rules. rules. do i look like the kind of person who'd follow rules? they've got balls to throw that rules and regulations bullshit in my face!

he: ya know what they say, 'rules and regulations intimidate the acquiescent..'

me: '.. every bit as much as they excite the rebellious.' yeah, i know. i'm wild and wicked. and fearless.

he: you don't want to fight unnecessary battles right now, trust me.

me: you're a big bore.

he gets lost in his thoughts, his world - much like einstein on weed.*

me: i know this pair.. they remind me of us.

he: and who may they be?

me: Eliza Dolittle and Henry Higgins :)



place: his dorm room

scene: he and i throwing words, pillows, papers, whatever-we-could-get-our-hands-on..

me: you inveterate loser!

he: you incorrigible perfectionist!

me: ok. now you've hit below the belt! i never want to talk to you again.

he: go jerk off! or do whatever women do.

*i walk away in a huff*

10 minutes later..

place: a park bench over looking the river right outside his dorms

*he walks towards me with a bag of goodies*

me: what's in the bag?

he: a few things to make up to you.

i go through the contents of the bag, one by one, placing them between us on the bench:

  • peanut m-n-m's
  • my favorite rush cd which he wouldn't let me borrow
  • my janet evanovich book that he borrowed and wouldn't return
  • a hand-made 'i'm really sorry' card with a picture of us smiling, in happier times
  • a bunch of wild flowers he collected on his way to the park
  • a strawberry coollatta

AND

  • a box of tampons


i'm never ever going to talk to him again.

7.28.2003



long before i learned to count, read or even speak, i learned to make comparisons.

“this is bigger than that.”
“that is brighter than this.”

as a kid, i used to wonder if the ability to detect a difference is really crucial to the development of my intellect. of course it is! but what's vital to the development of my heart is the ability to appreciate that differences are not always as important as they seem. i can easily measure size or intensity but a judgement of ‘value’ is always dubious.

7.25.2003



this could very well be India too.



twisted

stand facing towards the front.
now turn your head so that you are looking directly behind you.
now start walking forward.

tricky, isn’t it?



people who honestly speak their minds are often regarded with suspicion.

we live in a polite society. from an early age, we're encouraged to hide whatever we truly feel and to say what is expected of us. such behaviour may sometimes go against the grain. there are times when even the meekest and the mildest people prefer to be upfront and direct, regardless of the social consequences.

right now, i'm particularly disinclined to live out a lie - or to support a suspect supposition. but going against the grain is a strict no no - ain't it, norman?

7.23.2003



bad day?

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.

Feel better?

7.22.2003



how easy is it to get out of trouble?

as easy as it is to get into it. you often imagine that problems are created in an instant; that they emerge from a single moment of madness. perhaps the seeds are sown in such a way but they have to be planted and nurtured. consciously or unconsciously, you dedicate energy and time to the mess that you create for yourself. the same amount of effort will usually clear it up! never mind how you got yourself into your current situation, just be aware of it.

you understand me?

:)



she: Oh God! I feel like such a loser!! I'm a good-for-nothing loser! FUCK!! AAHH!

me: here. help yourself to some sympathy. its free. really. there's no obligation. and it is extended in all sincerity.

she: WTF!?!

me: i'd offer you some tea to go with it but i can't find a way to pour this online. yours is a hard life. your burden is a heavy one. you have to put up with a lot. there. now how do you feel? understood and supported? or indulged? could it be that the more you focus on your difficulties the worse you actually make them?

she: GOSH!!! when did you become such a bitch?!

me: the day you started using so many exclamations.



here's an interesting quiz i took:

>How quirkyalone are you?

Your score was 88. Very quirkyalone:

Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world. Celebrate your freedom on National Quirkyalone Day, February 14th!

7.21.2003



do you believe in ghosts?

they undoubtedly exist. what’s more, they don’t have to have anything to do with people who have departed from this realm. the folk who are still very much alive and kicking can haunt and spook me in a hundred different ways.

and, of course, i have my memories. they lurk in the dark corners of my mind and leap out to scare me when i'm at my most vulnerable.

i do believe in ghosts.

7.20.2003



congratulations are in order for matt and michelle. matt finally proposed! and with a rock like that, i'm sure michelle couldn't refuse :)

so they threw a party at tiki's. it was good. not great. just good. actually, whom am i kidding? it was ok. the liquor was lousy! what i don't understand is how can liquor be lousy? or maybe it was the people around that made everything dull? i don't know.

two groups were sharing the place tonight - a wedding group and matt's group.

now the wedding group was nothing but a weeping bride and a bunch of drunk, rowdy groomsmen. and matt's group. well, the less said the better. wasn't matt's fault at all.

what i can't believe is that on a saturday night i came back from a party at 1am! the concierge in my apartment was surprised!

"well, miz fm, looks like you didn't have a party!"

7.17.2003



why do movies cost so much to make?

even simple parts of a film, involving just a couple of people holding a conversation, require camera operators, lighting engineers, make-up artists, wardrobe assistants, sound recordists, continuity monitors, writers, directors, producers, researchers, plus caterers to keep all these busy people fed.

someone once told me:

"you can’t create an artificial impression, but you can, if you relax, bring forth a very real kind of natural magic."

distorted thoughts?



i've got an extra ticket for the yankees vs. cleveland indians game. wanna come?



scene: pub in the village. both of us down a couple of whiskeys.

me: why're people so fond of drugs and alcohol?

he: cuz these substances have the power to transport us instantly into another world. one quick swig, one little pill and suddenly, you just dont care anymore. no more daunting difficulties. no more worrying about stressful situations. even certain people no longer seem irritating!

me: hmm. its a pity the stuff wears off eventually. and plus, you can posion yourself in the process. i wish there were some natural way to make everything seem wonderful.



some people love to talk.
they love it so much that they hardly even care whether anyone's listening or not. they're very rarely bothered about what's actually being said.

some people love to think.
they love to mull things over and over in their minds. they love to brood and reflect. and it doesn't really matter if any of those thoughts are constructive, relevant or revealing.

and since i dont really enjoy conversations that go round in circles, i probably ought to remember that actions speak louder than words.

7.15.2003



he: someone once said, "fools rush in where angels fear to tread."

me: hmm.. leads me to wonder what kind of angels they must be.

he: hey! you're an angel.

me: no. i'm a fool. if i were a bona-fide angel, i wouldn't be afraid of anything! i'd have the supreme being on my side, wouldn't i?

he: gah. you're annoying.

me: yeah. whatever.



i can be very stubborn under certain circumstances. and this is nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for. i think its a personality trait to be proud of. far too many people allow others to influence them unduly. they give way under pressure. they change their tune at the drop of a hat.

what's wrong in defending a deeply-held conviction?

7.14.2003



the logical world is a very dull place. there's no room for any magick in it. everything must have an explanation. reason reigns supreme. and the trouble with that is that reason makes a rotten ruler! a dreadful despot. a tyrannical ogre.

it forbids all fun!

it wont allow spontaneity. it doesn't have place for any emotion. logic doesn't legislate for love - or for phantasmagorical things leaping suddenly up out of the blue and filling our hearts with joy and wonder.

the logical world is a very dull place, indeed.

7.13.2003



my friend thinks that stability is something that can be achieved by being as prudent as possible. according to him, if i dont rock the boat, the boat will be less inclined to rock me (his own words). but i beg to differ. trouble will always find a way to trouble me, regardless of whether or not i trouble trouble. how can i possibly try to create an island of conviction in an ocean of uncertainty?

7.10.2003



To choose one's victim carefully, to prepare one's plan minutely, to slake an implacable vengence, and then to go to bed; there is nothing sweeter in the world.

-Josef Stalin



me: did you know that lobsters are really sea spiders?

he: umm.. no.

me: did you know that in physics, p (or variation thereof) can represent density, momentum, pressure, or pee?

he: did you know that I am wearing women's undergarments...so silky smooth...(betcha didn't know that!)

stumped, i was!



read this somewhere:

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me - but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friend we know,
And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.

7.08.2003



everyone has something about themselves they'd like to change. the trick is getting beyond it.



this really made me choke. may their souls rest in peace.



thank you for coming back into my life, lalit.

7.07.2003



the sun spits fire on me does it the glare is hard to bear the heat is hard to bear the magnetizing of the threads of my heart that stretch tear like the ligaments and burn the solar waves that engulf my being burning it to black ashes for the wound burns like no other burn would someone i call my own set afire my wound then so be it for i disown in disgust in shame in raw being in unbroken lines in dark spaces that scream and leap into unconsciousness.

for i don't exist.

no i don't.



how can something which seems so right, when i'm in one frame of mind, seem so wildly inappropriate when i'm in another?

7.05.2003


nothing to say when i die i would cease to know who i was and is he gone is all our friends say when i was a kid i had this bad bicycle accident i failed to handle a speed bump the earth greeted me by piercing an aluminium rod through my ego there was this deep deep gash in my thigh right down to the bone the pristine white looked so pure against the vividty of the red blood surrounding it this urge to touch that white purity was so overwhelming was it really there in my 22 years i can never say with false pride that i have touched that pristine white can you proclaim your achievement can you tell me something i dont know i have been living with these bones feeling them move within me feeling chills down to the bone how weird is it that i have never felt them never felt my own bones i wonder if they don't turn into something once the wound is closed is that pristine white just a disguise for something more daunting



do you smile often?

and he did not answer.

do you wear glasses?

and he answered...

sigh fine weirdo



i just updated my left nav bar.. the latest addition being all the places i've traveled since january of this year.

7.04.2003



menacing prancing
sweeping glancing
reeling curling
ritualistic dancing



fate vs. free will

i wonder if we really do have a choice.. or is everything predestined? i dont think such questions are really avoidable. they go with the territory. unfortunately, neither do the answers come quite so automatically. most of us think that we have a choice over most things (atleast i do).. but there are a few of us who complicate the matter by pointing out that we can choose not to choose.

after several precious hours (days?) of mulling over this topic, i dont think i'm closer to a definitive answer.

free will, they say, is about deciding to make things happen. so umm.. is fate about deciding to let things happen? that probably depends on who you ask. those of us who believe that everything is pre-destined feel they dont even get to decide that much. then there are those of us who believe in free will argue that the fate brigade simply choose to abdicate their powers, thus their responsibilities.

and this debate's been going on in my head forever!



its beginning to seem as though there's so much to do, so much to think about. at the same time, there's not enough to go on or to work with. my head's beginning to spin. my emotions are starting to swirl.

7.03.2003



there's a sense of deja-vu. if i haven't been exactly here before, i've been somewhere similar. or maybe i've always known that one day i'd arrive at a point like this.



whoa!

7.01.2003



asshole: hi
me: i don't talk to strangers.
asshole: r u christian?
me: does my religion matter?
asshole: hay u bloody fucker shut ur bloody mouth son of bitch
me: does your religion teach you to use foul language to people you dont even know? interesting.
asshole: mm oooh
me: lost for words, are we?
asshole: what do u mean i can`t understand ur words???
me: i never said understand, i said lost. but i guess you corrected me.
asshole: umm
me: lemme guess you're from karachi? you dont really know how to talk to people? and you dont care as much about people as you care about their religion?
asshole: hay u women just leave it religion topic
me: you brought up the religion topic, i didn't.

and i was right about the karachi part!



you taught me how to smile.
ask me to shed a tear
and i'll cry an ocean for you.