we are all liars.

those who claim never to speak anything other than the truth, are the biggest liars of the lot.
we lie to others ("oh, I'm fine. how are you?").
we lie to ourselves ("i won't break my diet.")
and we lie whenever we insist that we know the truth.

in reality, none of us can never know precisely what that is.

even so, some lies are much bigger, more insidious and dangerous than others.


a love letter:

And I *do* need you, and I hate myself for saying that, for feeling it.

You understand, because you think you don't want to *need* anything or anyone, either. You too want to cling to this ideal vision of yourself as a pure and strong pillar of human willpower, a person who could stand alone if all the world should crumble around her, a soul that needs only itself to sustain itself throughout eternity.

I won't give up on that ideal if you won't; it can only inspire each of us to become better and more complete within ourselves, if we let it. I don't want to become dependent on you, and I know you don't want to become dependent on me (even if I had the strength to sustain that, which I don't). Like the song says, I want us to carry each other. But, dammit, I *do* need you. I actually did think once that I could be complete without you, that I didn't need you to be everything I could or to feast fully on life like a beggar at a banquet - but I was lying to myself, and maybe it's a lie you're no stranger to either.

Heaven knows I tried to make that lie true. But I can't. There is only so much that I can or will ever be without you, and part of the reason I'm writing this is simply to finally make peace with that. I can't promise I have much to offer you; I'm not exactly the best fish in the proverbial ocean. But I *can* promise you this: if you are You - if you are, indeed, my soulmate - if you are the other half of everything I have ever hoped and dreamed and prayed and screamed and ached for, and if I am yours - then there is nothing within my power I would never do for you, and no depth to which I would not love you.

I can't promise you wealth, good looks, stability, strength - but I *can* promise you my passion, my life. I promise you someone for whom paradise would be holding your hand as we watch the sun rise, or watching the gentle swelling of your chest as you lay asleep - someone who would love you no less on our last day than on our first, holding your hand and looking into your eyes with no less devotion as an old man than as a young one - someone for whom every day would be something to give thanks to the Divine for, if I had you there to share it with.


blood rolls off my fingers
shining foot-prints
on every tile
all red
all bright

leading me confusing me
going back and forth
you saw me
all quiet and still
you didn't see the prints

i chase your dream
then am lost
look around
..blood foot-prints

a drop .. a tear
through red and red
show fear
he's not here

stretched veins and souls
chalks and pencil strokes
one thread with shreds
all bright and red

shiny glass
broken rainbows
against flesh
piece by piece
thread by thread
all now shreds

a drop or two
of pure red blood
drip off my teeth
on to my tongue

a rollover journey
around my mouth
then onto my lips
and further down

meandering away
onto my navel
one stop wonder
like water on gravel

the color of night
dark midnight
feet still red
foot-prints still bright
my hands wrapped around
as i turn white


heard on the subway:

You'll never be the man your mother was!


my sense of humor and i are in orthogonal subspaces.

Track Title: I've Got You Under My Skin

I've got you under my skin.
I've got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.
I've got you under my skin.
I'd tried so not to give in.
I said to myself: this affair never will go so well.
But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know so well
I've got you under my skin?

I'd sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of havin' you near
In spite of a warnin' voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear:
Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?
Use your mentality, wake up to reality.
But each time that I do just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
'Cause I've got you under my skin.

Album Title: Sinatra at the Sands with Count Basie Orchestra
Prime Artist: Frank Sinatra
Producer: Reginald (Sonny) Burke
Written by: Cole Porter (C. Albert P.)
From the Film: Born To Dance 1936 (M)

success has taught me very little. failure, on the other hand, has shown me everything. when i feel a winning streak coming on, i tend to become complacent. and when i feel that everything's going wrong, i become much more willing to consider other options.

he: sometimes, you just don't know what you are capable of until you try.

me: but do any of us ever really try unless we have to?



sometimes, when the wind blows, everything goes up in the air. it all swirls around and flies about until the storm dies down. by then, who knows where anything is any more. i just have to do my best to pick up the pieces and start again. sometimes though, the wind makes no such impact even though it is just as fierce. everything flutters but it doesn’t go anywhere. it stays still. it's rooted, grounded, held in position by a force that's powerful enough to withstand the pressure. the wind is sure as hell blowing in my life..

i don't want to scatter too far.


once upon a time, my world was full of surprises. wherever i went, i could be sure of encountering something or someone new. then came chain stores; international conglomerates creating identical shopping malls in every town across the planet. thanks to them and satellite TV, many of us lead carbon copy lives wherever we are. maybe this is why i now react so dramatically to distinctions and differences, wherever they remain.


after all, i'm human.

sometimes, i take pride in things that i really ought to feel a bit ashamed of.
sometimes, too, i take for granted stuff i really should feel thankful for.
my priorities become confused, and
my judgements grow questionable.
i mistake friends for enemies,
opportunities for problems and
vice versa in every case.
the worst of it is, i rarely realize that this is what's going on.
it's only later, when i look back, that it becomes clear.


life's most amazing experiences tend to be subtle rather than shocking.


a friend asked me, "how much time does the Earth take for one rotation?" and i actually had to look up the books for this one.

23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds.

i think a lot of the trouble in this world is caused by the way we round up the time. see, if you add up 3 minutes, 56 seconds, over a month, it comes to well over an hour. we gradually grow out of tune with the natural rhythm of the cosmos.

its like living in a perpetual state of jet-lag.


guess who's back! :)

even though he's a pig and i hate him.. he's back.

he: i will not wed.

me: and why is that?

he: for i am a soldier. and in my mind, a soldier has no need for wiving.

he's hilarious and scary. i need to beware.


A ghra. A amhain.

My Love. My only.


brief summary of my europe trip:

so guys, i'm back from a highly hectic and stressful trip around europe. 12 cities in 10 days. and we (I) drove to all these places as my friends dont drive. so basically that's about 4,500 kms in 10 days.

frankfurt - not much to see..

dachau - first concentration camp started by hitler.

munich - party place! went to Hof BrauHaus (Main Beer House) where hitler first made his evil ideas public. now its got great beer, great atmosphere, no hitler.

salzburg - mozart's birth place, "The Sound of Music" locations.

vienna - beautiful palaces, very interesting treasury museum.

vicenza - great artwork, some ruins, hot women, and yummy food.

venice - too hyped.. yet ok enough to visit once. took a gondola ride.. felt like i was cruising the sewers of venice. as i said, too hyped. but there was a beautiful church and the ocean front's worth it too.

florence - one of the best cities ever! one of the most beautiful cathedrals (Duomo) i've ever seen. one thing about the Duomo that i noticed - as gorgeous as it is on the outside, the inside is very sparse/plain/bland.. so much so it looks incomplete. beautiful roman theater ruins. awesome museums. the original david sculpted by michaelanglo. da vinci, michaelangelo, raphael everywhere you look. quaint little cafes and restaurants.

pisa - nothing to look at but the leaning tower. felt the 4 hour drive (one way) wasn't that worth it. but yeah, on the bright side, real cheap souvenirs! :)

zermatt - snowboarding in minus 12C was amazing. i'd do it again if only i'd get over my fear of chopped off fingers due to frost bite.

interlaken - tons of stuff to do (especially in the summer) but not much to do in winter. quaint little town. some locales from the DDLJ (Hindi movie) shoot.

luzern - beautiful mountains, very friendly people, and a winter sports galore. really arty chapel bridge; a water tower that was used as an archive, treasury, prison and torture chamber; a beautiful lion monument carved out of natural rock; plenty of churches; and old city squares.

as many of you will notice, this summary is a shoddy cut and paste job. still trying to recuperate from the stress.

i need a vacation from my vacation.


i'm back.

The psychopath in a position of supreme power is almost a commonplace, for no one except a psychopath wants supreme power. To enjoy power is to be damned; to enjoy arbitrary power is to be damned beyond any hope of ultimate redemption. It is not only that power corrupts in ever widening circles, but it inevitably tends to be used senselessly and irresponsibly, a fact well known to every little functionary placed in a position of authority.

Hitler was power raised to its ultimate potential..

--The life and death of Adolf Hitler by Robert Payne.