read this somewhere:


To leave the old with a burst of song

To recall the right and forgive the wrong;

To forget the thing that binds you fast

To the vain regrets of the year that's past;

To have the strength to let go your hold

Of the not worthwhile of the days grown old,

To dare to go forth with a purpose true,

To the unknown task of the year that's new;

To help your brother along the road

To do his work and lift his load;

To add your gift to the world's good cheer,

Is to have and to give a Happy New Year.

had an awesome Christmas.

felt like santa :) giving gifts to everyone around me.

ash came over from texas. my baby, he is.

ok i'm sick as a dog. and i'm at work.

s is back tomorrow. this is going to be interesting.



he: "you're my lucky ticket into this world.."

me: "why do you say that?"

he: "i read this article on tarot card readings.. and it said that "the Fool" is the most auspicious card in the whole pack..

me: "why?"

he: "because the Fool has no pretensions and no preconceptions. and you are a true fool! HAHAHA"

me: "uh huh. be wary of trying to be too clever. lest you get all those tarot cards pack and bullshit shoved up your ass."

navel gazing is not as easy as it sounds.

and i find it impossible (especially since i'm not an advanced practitioner of yoga hehe). a mirror over my belly button - now that's putting in too much effort for a passive pre-occupation!

seriously though, it is very hard to look deep inside myself. i know not how to do that. but if i can't see my own soul, how will i be able to look into the hearts of others? maybe i'm wrong about how much i think i know. maybe i don't know as much as i think i do. but maybe i know enough. and maybe i must learn to trust what is beyond doubt.

i'm not sure

how i feel this christmas.

well i kind of do..

i feel tired.


I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You ...

one thing i'll never have:


i don't think jeff's got a lot of work these days.. all i get, all day long, from him are these crazy forwards. stupid stuff. blah.

crazy! it was COLD but i guess we were too drunk to realize hah


I think I know now why I find you so attractive,
while your mind and your body are “yummy”,
there is something else also that has peaked my interest.
There is this force within you that I caught a glimpse of
when we first met, and every now and then it emerges
when I least expect it.
I know not how to describe this force,
except that it feels like a white bright light.
You may argue that it is your “evil” self, but
it is not…it is warm and kind,
like an old blanket on a cold winter day.
And it is always lurking behind
your eyes, your smile and your sexy lips.
Maybe that is why I enjoy kissing you so much,
in some way I am connecting with this energy.
Thank you for sharing this force with me :0)

A big hug

he did it

s got his visa stamping done. phew!

big relief to all of us out here. maddy, monty and i were awake all night waiting for the dreaded phone call.

finally, the guys left and i stayed up. got the call at 7am!

now i can breathe.
and now i can be scared.


the holiday season.

holidays, i thought,
are times of ease and peace?
about getting away from everything and everyone
leading a much more relaxed life for a while?

Christmas for me seems to be about rushing around, wrestling with some impossible challenges.

the rest of the world is getting ready for a party.

i'm getting ready for a change.

i'm almost about to wrap myself up in a cocoon, hide away from the world for a while and then re-emerge as an entirely different person.

boss’s boss (for now, referred to as ‘he’) just returned from some trip. he walks over to my desk and interrupts my team and me.

he: see what I got for you! *hands me half a pack of Marlboro Lights cigarettes*

he points to something written in some Nordic language that reads something like *Reykingar eru mjog skaolegar fyrir pig og pa sem eru nalaegt per* (without the umlauts etc) and says

he: this reads “if you smoke these ciggarettes, you will be wise and happy forever”.

i roll my eyes and give him a dirty look and ignore him. he walks away.

after a few minutes, i walk over to his desk.

me: you went on vacation and got me a half used pack of rotten smokes?!

he: haha. yeah now you can say that your boss went to some place fun and got you a rotten pack of ciggarettes. now now. don’t give me that look. just think of it as a bonus and be happy.

me: wait and see what you get for Christmas! just you wait!

i walk away in a huff.

Once a Hyderabadi, Always a Hyderabadi...

1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH number 56-678/4A/B-22),while you actually live in the second house beside zamzam cafe in lane behind Anand Theatre on SP Road.

2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre workshop, food mela, consumer expo, designer jewellery show, science show or an automobile convention.

3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves Chinese delicacies such as "Vegetable soft needles", "Navrotten Kurma", "Chicken Manchewurea" or "American Chompsee".

4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody asks you for directions, whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.

5. You come across tailors sporting the board: 'Immidiot delivery in two days onli'.

6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, except Telugu, fluently.

7.You ask the waiter to get you some 'Aam ka achaar' even if you are
sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese, Mexican, Italian and Lebanese cuisines.

8. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.

9. You have at least one Srinivas, Prasad, Raju, Rao or Venkatesh within six square feet. OR you have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance with these names.

10. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in
the US in software.

11. Every time somebody gives you a piece of good news, the first thing you ask them is 'Party kab hain ?'

12. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before
three hundred years.

13. You call 11 AM as subah subah.

14. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab'

15. And it doesn't matter where in the "Gulf/middle east" you are leaving you always tell you are going to "Dubai". (I know of one family who still keep telling everyone their son is in "uno Dubai mein hai" but he is physically in Yemen for the past 5 years. J]

16. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.

17. You look at the fixed price stand and still ask 'dene ka bolo'

18. If you do not eat rice at least once a day you will die.(Nothing other than Rice is considered as a meal)

19. You feel offended by someone looking at you (Kaiku ghoor raa be?)

20. You think you are a born shayer and use some typical filmi batein in stylish urdu and crack some romantic jokes.

21. While someone does the above, you say to yourself 'chubbe saale ,mooh dekh aaine mein, tere ku kaun pat thi, pataaney waala tho main hi hoon'

22. You can say the typical "Light le le baap" and be cool without analyzing what the situation is.

23. You feel its legal and your Nizami birth right to show your hand and stop the traffic (better than a traffic police) while you cross the road whenever and wherever you like.

24. You can hang out in a Irani cafe the whole day after ordering one cup tea and a empty saucer for yourself and your dear friend and you chat like thats the last day with each other.

25. You eat Paradise Biryani or bawarchi Biryani atleast once in a month

26. You go to the Petrol Bunk and say "Panch Point Single Oil maaro yaaro" and hand over 15 bucks.

27. You can relate the words 'Nakko', 'Hou' 'Kaiku' ,'hallu' and make these the integral part of your vocabulary.

28. You tell your friend that you will 'just come back' ("abbhi aathu mein") and your friend knows that either you will take a couple of hours or not come back at all.

29. You end up watching every movie you come across , and end up saying oh! that was good , but it could be better if it was made that way

30. You are reading this and secretly admitting that you are, after all, a true blue Hyderabadi :)

listening to hemant kumar

itna toh keh do humse
tumse hi pyaar hai

meri khaamoshi sajna
mera iqraar hai

Tuesday, 20th December 2005

(Aug 24 - Sep 23)

What will happen if you fail to honour all your obligations? How bad will it be if you miss something, or someone, off your list? How many responsibilities are you supposed to juggle? How many balls must you keep in the air at the same time? Mars is very bright now and it is forming a sharp angle to your ruler. You feel as if you are under a lot of pressure. In reality, though, you need to do far less than you think. Put less energy into worrying and more into taking good care of yourself. The next few weeks have something special in store for you.

i hope that the next few weeks do have something special in store for me. i'm tired. very tired.

i will be handing in my resignation soon.

Song : Yeh Meri Kahani

yeh hai meri kahani
khamosh zindigani
sannata keh raha hai
kyun zulm seh raha hai

ek dastaan purani
tanhayi ki zubani
har zakham khil raha hai
kuch mujh say keh raha hai

chubtay kantay yadoon kay daaman say chunta hon
girti deewaron kay aanchal mai zinda hon

bass yeh meri kahani
be nishaan nishaani
ek derr beh raha hai
kuch mujh say keh raha hai

--------- by Strings (from the movie Zinda)


she called.

i'm one lucky bitch. i couldn't stop thinking about her.

i wonder what s will say have to say about this when he gets back. heh.

i don't care.

she's cute hot.
she's intelligent.

and i feel like
twirling her on the dance floor
scooping her up in my arms
and just ..

ok whatever.

i need to send flowers.

rough weekend

still trying to recover from a major fiasco!

mom's going to kick my ass. long story i guess.. will relate it in a bit.


i am going to beat you up!

tee hee. :)

ice skating..

at the Rockefeller Ice Skating Rink

going with the boys.

i must take my camera. can't miss out on the boys' bruised asses at the end of the day (or rather at the end of 15 mins.. cuz that's how long they're going to last!)



soy nuts, cranberries, raisins, almonds.

a bowlful of cereal.

sigh. what a sad state of affairs eh?

most women..

have handbags, earrings, scarves, necklaces, whatever as accessories.

i have a snowboard.


revisiting an old post

"i've noticed that when i get too set in my ways, i lose flexibility and somehow grow old before my time.

i forget to have fun.

i wind up with too much to protect and defend. i know that i compromise myself by being too willing to adapt, but there has to be a happy medium.

right now, i'm hanging on to the memory of an experience that made a big impression on me in the past.

but what i just realized,

that was then, this is now!

and now is way better than then.

Just when you think you are rid of pestilence, it comes back harder and stronger. And I guess one day is all it takes to grow immune to peoples barbs, or atleast just one person's barbs.

Ever thought about why people die?

No this is not ala Sholay dialogue where one villager asks another, "Yeh angrez marte kyon hain?". I had to attend my grand uncle's death anniversary, may his soul rest in peace, but believe me it's not something you want to do everyday, unless ofcourse you have 365 grand uncles or 366 if you consider a leap year.

Talk about stretching a point too far.

Had to drive 60 Km out of town, and now I know what people mean when they say back breaking work. Approach roads were bad, highway roads were *good* in patches, surprisingly, and unmotorable at others. Takes about an hour to drive 60 km, spent the time talking to mom about the intricacies of AM and FM. For the uninitiated this is hi tech radio jargon. Bangalore has a radio station called Radio City, which is quite good, the RJs are good and they play decent music.

Finally got to the place where I had to be, time doesnt seem to move here. But scratch the surface and you see each house now has a TV, a vehicle and the ever present cell phones. This is progress, I suppose. But move from one spot to another and you lose the signal. I guess there's always a catch somewhere.

Had some good food.

I dont get it someone dies and people feast. Talk to the potbellied elders about this and you would probably hear that this is so that we can pay homage to those who have moved on to the neder world. Anyways, once we had feasted had to head back. Whiled away the drive back listening to dad cussing other drivers who dared cross his path.

Finally got back home and sometimes it feels like there's no place like home.


when the wind blows, everything goes up in the air.

it all swirls around and flies about until the storm dies down. by then, who knows where anything is any more.

i just have to do my best to pick up the pieces and start again.

sometimes though, the wind makes no such impact even though it is just as fierce. everything flutters but it doesn’t go anywhere.

it stays still.

it's rooted, grounded, held in position by a force that’s powerful enough to withstand the pressure. the wind is sure as hell blowing in my life..

i don't want to scatter too far.

just to make it clear

i'm not in banglore :)

my friend is.

and he'll be a guest writer on my blog.

raat humari toh
chand ki saheli hain
kitne dino ke baad
aayi woh akeli hain

sandhya ki baati bhi
koi bujha de aaj
andhere se jee bhar
ke karni hain baatein aaj

andhera rootha hain
andhera baitha hain
gumsum sa kone main baitha hain


blood rolls off my fingers
shining foot-prints
on every tile
all red
all bright

leading me confusing me
going back and forth
you saw me
all quiet and still
you didn't see the prints

i chase your dream
then am lost
look around
..blood foot-prints

a drop .. a tear
through red and red
show fear
he's not here

stretched veins and souls
chalks and pencil strokes
one thread with shreds
all bright and red

shiny glass
broken rainbows
against flesh
piece by piece
thread by thread
all now shreds

a drop or two
of pure red blood
drip off my teeth
on to my tongue

a rollover journey
around my mouth
then onto my lips
and further down

meandering away
onto my navel
one stop wonder
like water on gravel

the color of night
dark midnight
feet still red
foot-prints still bright
my hands wrapped around
as i turn white


first ice hockey game



text message

from: maddy
time: 1:12am

message: Damn I still have 2 do my laundry!

yeah. blame it all on me. hah.

please welcome..

another writer.

call him PD

he writes better than me!

lets have some fun.. a few guest posts. and if you don't like him, we'll kick him out.

i promise.


Back in India after 3 years and it feels like I have never been away.

Though there is more traffic on the "Bengaluuru" roads and the roads wherever there are are bad, its still the same old feeling.

Was going through some of my school stuff which brought back a lot of memories. Being grown up is not fun, wish I were 11 again. Sure I would get beaten up in school and cry home to mommy, but I had fun too.

Had a pretty bad start to the day and it only got worse. Mom tried to cheer me up by offering me yesterdays left over chappatis and to my defense I tried nibbling on it, but that was as far as I got. Had to throw the rest and pretend like I just had a scrumptious meal. But then had to drop dad off to the bus stop, so took my good old Sam (arre Samurai) out, and by the time I was back home I had a stomach full of apna Bangalore dust and grime and that took care of lunch. Took a nap curled up in front of the computer waiting for it to boot, and when it did, waiting for it to connect to the net.

Mom woke me up at around the time when Lanka were cruising, yah got to watch a cricket match on TV after a while, and that must have been a lucky charm cuz wickets started tumbling after that.

Took mom, and did I mention naani is here too, out for shopping. Actually mom was out shopping while naani and me spent some quite moments in the car. Then went to a chat stall,ordered paani puri, got masala puri, did not complain, cause that's the bengaluuru way,"swalpa adjust maadi saar" and was back home.

Got a call from someone special to brighten a gloomy day, at least its ending better that it started. So how was your day?


my mom..

bought me a camcorder for christmas!

woo hoo!

i cried..

while praying.

death of my aunt.
death of a relationship.

and then i smiled.

new me.
new life.
new friends.

some hurt still lingers.

i wouldn't be human if i didn't feel that hurt. would i?

back from a fun-filled, adventurous trip.

new york to delaware to pittsburgh.

pittsburgh to delaware to new york.

too tired to know what i write..

damn! what people do for love and friends.


curtain of blossoms. Cherry Blossom Festival in DC

i like the movement in this pic

here's an old pic.. South Africa, 2003.

Rabbit Habit

This vibrator does practically everything, except your dishes! While the shaft twirls for G-spot stimulation, the rabbit ears flutter along the clitoris and the "pearls" roll and tumble at the sensitive opening of the vagina. Velvety in texture, this model is a favorite of first-time vibe owners and vibrator aficionadas alike. (The Rabbit Habit is identical to the Rabbit Pearl except that the Rabbit Habit is cordless.) Separate variable speed controls power each of the two components. 5" x1 1/2". Takes three AA batteries.

hahaha! i remember: 3 years ago, a friend gifted me the Rabbit for Christmas. I was shocked. and i respectfully declined it.

now i wonder if returning it was really a bright idea..

no worries, he can buy it for me for christmas!

i'm bored.

i love this picture of Ishu sunbathing.. this is at my old apartment.


it takes an awful lot

to throw me off balance.

or rather, it takes very little.. but i'll put up with an enormous amount of crap given to me before i take permanent umbrage.

i wonder if i've reached the end of my tether. i, no longer, am able to see the funny side of certain silly situations..

but maybe the nearness of Christmas is making it all seem much worse than it actually is..

i don't know.


love letter

And I *do* need you, and I hate myself for saying that, for feeling it.

You understand, because you think you don't want to *need* anything or anyone, either. You too want to cling to this ideal vision of yourself as a pure and strong pillar of human willpower, a person who could stand alone if all the world should crumble around her, a soul that needs only itself to sustain itself throughout eternity.

I won't give up on that ideal if you won't; it can only inspire each of us to become better and more complete within ourselves, if we let it. I don't want to become dependent on you, and I know you don't want to become dependent on me (even if I had the strength to sustain that, which I don't). Like the song says, I want us to carry each other. But, dammit, I *do* need you. I actually did think once that I could be complete without you, that I didn't need you to be everything I could or to feast fully on life like a beggar at a banquet - but I was lying to myself, and maybe it's a lie you're no stranger to either.

Heaven knows I tried to make that lie true. But I can't. There is only so much that I can or will ever be without you, and part of the reason I'm writing this is simply to finally make peace with that. I can't promise I have much to offer you; I'm not exactly the best fish in the proverbial ocean. But I *can* promise you this: if you are You - if you are, indeed, my soulmate - if you are the other half of everything I have ever hoped and dreamed and prayed and screamed and ached for, and if I am yours - then there is nothing within my power I would never do for you, and no depth to which I would not love you.

I can't promise you wealth, good looks, stability, strength - but I *can* promise you my passion, my life. I promise you someone for whom paradise would be holding your hand as we watch the sun rise, or watching the gentle swelling of your chest as you lay asleep - someone who would love you no less on our last day than on our first, holding your hand and looking into your eyes with no less devotion as an old man than as a young one - someone for whom every day would be something to give thanks to the Divine for, if I had you there to share it with.

hey u.. wanna get hitched? i know we'll fight a lot and you will claw my eyes out every other moment... but i know i can make you smile even when the world's coming to an end...so what say.. u game?

what kind of a proposal is that?!

my sense of humor

and i

are in orthogonal subspaces.

i look like a school teacher today.

< shit >

just realized that i didn't really travel as much this year.

< / shit >

i feel like a lone photon.
crashing against all these negatives.

a friend asked me, "how much time does the Earth take for one rotation?" and i actually had to look up the books for this one.

23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds.

i think a lot of the trouble in this world is caused by the way we round up the time. see, if you add up 3 minutes, 56 seconds, over a month, it comes to well over an hour. we gradually grow out of tune with the natural rhythm of the cosmos.

its like living in a perpetual state of jet-lag.

One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star.

-Friedrich Nietzsche.

He who sees me in all things, and all things in me, is never far from me, and I am never far from him.

-Lord Krishna from Bhagavad Gita

there's a lot of injustice in this world.

and i'm aware of it. it sometimes keeps me awake at night.

and i know i've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

aaj ki raat saari baaton mein guzar sakti thee...

too bad you are not here.


taken from a dear abby letter from 1964:

"DEAR ABBY: Why will a married man pick up a tramp and treat her like a lady, then turn around and treat his wife (who is a lady) like a tramp? -- MINNIE

"DEAR MINNIE: A man picks up a tramp because he wants a female companion who is no better than he is. In her company, he doesn't feel inferior. He rewards her by treating her like a lady.

"He treats his wife (who is a lady) like a tramp because he feels that by degrading her, he will bring her down to his level. This makes him feel guilty, so to get even with his wife for making him feel guilty, he keeps right on punishing her."

i'm feeling..

this sense of urgency.

of restlessness that i can't seem to shake off.

cluttered bookshelf

miu! he looks damn scary, doesn't he?




with just the christmas lights on..

Christmas tree, Miu, Simon and Syd

so i decided to sleep on the couch last night. wanted to be by the christmas tree :) silly me. so there's Syd.. with Simon, the soft toy

i need to buy more funky ornaments.. i think.

more decorations

i love the red one..its got white felt snowflakes stuck on it :)

and this is supposed to be an airplane! waaaaaaah ok fine. maybe i'll borrow suraj's camera and take better pics heh.


ok this is supposed to be a silver glitter train.. i'm not sure if you can make it out

i love this star!

snowflake! (its not that clear :( i should probably get a better camera!)

maddy and monty.

my ultra-cluttered bookshelf. i still have 2 more boxes of books and no place to display them :(

the painting on my window! :-)


an entire plethora..

of possibilities is opening up.

the only thing i fear is dreaming up limits that don’t exist.

i feel like
there’s no wall i can’t walk around
no fence that doesn’t have a big opening
no coincidence that will not actually get me some place interesting.

I absolutely love lush.com

this is what I bought today:

silky underwear
sympathy for the skin
big shampoo
lip service
white tooth paste
black tooth gel
snow fairy

let’s see how they work out. I’m just in the mood for trying new girly things. Hehe.