Groucho Marx once famously said

that he would not want to be a member of any club that would have him as a member.

isn't that a surprisingly common syndrome?

if someone agrees with me, it throws me into a paroxysm of secret doubt. if someone likes the look of me, the temptation is to wonder when they last visited an optician!

sometimes i get my kick from controversy and conflict.

sometimes though, those kicks land in places that really hurt. must i drop the drama, abandon the argument and accept the acceptable now?

confusion prevails.

je ne regrette rien.


i stand by the shoreline of surrender..

expecting to be overwhelmed by a wave of inevitability. am i resigned to a future full of compromise and repetition?

maybe i should wade further out. fashion a board from the fabric of faith and prepare to surf on the tide of serendipity.. build a boat of hope and start sailing the sea of possibility.

maybe i just lost my mind.

he: will you ever grow up?

me: i hope not!

he: why?!

me: that would be really dull. a while ago, i was perilously close to acting in a very sensible, grown-up way.. fortunately, i shook myself out of it.

he: you're impossible.

an old post - revisited:

i love you, dad.

and i miss you.

its been 22 years and my eyes still light up with hope. there are time when i do cry. then there are times when i laugh and talk to you - share my joy and excitement with you.

but i do know you're around - listening to me.

i feel your hugs when i'm down
i feel you pat my back in times of celebration.

i've tried to be a good daughter. i've tried to take the path of truth and honesty. i've definitely tried to do my best to make you and mom proud.

but i'm human. and i do miss having you around. and i do make mistakes. i just fervently pray that i haven't disappointed you in any way.

people who knew you often look at me and say "you're so pretty. you look very much like your father!"

ha! i crack up often wondering if you were "pretty". heh. sorry dad. unfortunately, i got mom's height. but i'm still dynamite.

and yes, mom says i'm like you in many ways. i party hard.. and i play hard. i was the captain of my high school softball team. and i was the captain of my cricket team. and i love prawns. and i love to race. and i go out of my way to be there for people i don't even know.

sometimes, when mom gets real upset with something i do, she yells, "you're exactly like your dad!" haha.

dad, last year, on my birthday, i went racing in an actual nascar race car (it was a modified chevy monte carlo - bleh). and this year, i went skydiving!

it was so beautiful - i cried like a girl. *sniff sniff* i'm sure you're laughing at that, huh huh?! let's wrestle! i'll beat you up, old man!

(just kidding. i still love you).

i've been doing a lot of strength training lately. if you think i'm all girly and slim and soft spoken, you're in for a rude shock, dad.

i'm muscular, fit, athletic. and i wear make up. heh.

i have 4 cats! can you believe that?! ishu and syd and their two kids - miu and ari. you'd love them. after rinky (my samoyed) died, i couldn't get myself to get another pet. but then, mom brought ishu home 3 years ago. she was the best birthday gift i could ever have.

i know i'm talking too much.. enough about me. how're you doing, dad? do you miss mom and i? i wonder if you're happy up there. i'm sure you're not. cuz your lil soccer tiki is out here. but i hope you're smiling. and i hope you know how much i love you. and i always think about you. every day.

you're my hero. my friend, philosopher and guide. and i will always love you.

if i listen very carefully..

i can almost hear the countdown.

a moment of no return is edging ever closer.


a love letter:

And I *do* need you, and I hate myself for saying that, for feeling it.

You understand, because you think you don't want to *need* anything or anyone, either. You too want to cling to this ideal vision of yourself as a pure and strong pillar of human willpower, a person who could stand alone if all the world should crumble around her, a soul that needs only itself to sustain itself throughout eternity.

I won't give up on that ideal if you won't; it can only inspire each of us to become better and more complete within ourselves, if we let it. I don't want to become dependent on you, and I know you don't want to become dependent on me (even if I had the strength to sustain that, which I don't). Like the song says, I want us to carry each other. But, dammit, I *do* need you. I actually did think once that I could be complete without you, that I didn't need you to be everything I could or to feast fully on life like a beggar at a banquet - but I was lying to myself, and maybe it's a lie you're no stranger to either.

Heaven knows I tried to make that lie true. But I can't. There is only so much that I can or will ever be without you, and part of the reason I'm writing this is simply to finally make peace with that. I can't promise I have much to offer you; I'm not exactly the best fish in the proverbial ocean. But I *can* promise you this: if you are You - if you are, indeed, my soulmate - if you are the other half of everything I have ever hoped and dreamed and prayed and screamed and ached for, and if I am yours - then there is nothing within my power I would never do for you, and no depth to which I would not love you.

I can't promise you wealth, good looks, stability, strength - but I *can* promise you my passion, my life. I promise you someone for whom paradise would be holding your hand as we watch the sun rise, or watching the gentle swelling of your chest as you lay asleep - someone who would love you no less on our last day than on our first, holding your hand and looking into your eyes with no less devotion as an old man than as a young one - someone for whom every day would be something to give thanks to the Divine for, if I had you there to share it with.


random jokes:

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan!

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: Better grip on the broom.

Q: What do Brooklyn and women in tight jeans have in common?
A: Flatbush.

Q: Why do drunks throw up in the sewer?
A: So homeless people can have breakfast.

Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?
A: To keep his ankles warm!

Q: How do you get five pounds of meat out of a fly?
A: Unzip It!

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.

Q: How do you know you're in a gay church?
A: Only half of the congregation is kneeling!

Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
A: He's the one with the sesame seed buns!

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs! Ha!

Q: What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: what's the leading cause of death among lesbians?`
A: hairballs

Susan was standing on a street corner when Bob stopped and said, ''Hey Susan, er, did you know you have a tampon hanging out of your mouth?''
''Oh my God,'' she said, ''what did I do with my cigarette?''

One man says, ''You mean they are still together after all that crap?''
The other man says, ''Who?''
First man says, ''Your butt cheeks!''

Q: How do you know your bartender doesn't like you any more?
A: There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Question: If you went to a party and woke up with a condom in your ass would you tell anyone?
Answer: No!
Response: Wanna go to a party?

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''
The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''
The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''

Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice...

Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration!


We meet once in a few years.

Why do I think of you ever so often?


why do some rock bands turn up their amplifiers to the max?

i think its because, without all that noise, their songs would have no power and drama.

while symphonies can be loud in places too, truly meaningful music will touch the soul at any volume.

even if you only hear the melody as a faint whisper in the distance it will stir or soothe your spirit.

that's the power of truly meaningful music.

your voice is making love to me

yes it has been.

i let it flow

from my head to my toe.
my eyes
to my lips

then i let it meander
from the base of my neck
all the way to my navel.

and then started
a story.

yes. i let your voice make love to me.

it almost seemed real.

this is for you:

it almost seems real.

where the earth people stay

they're so close to the surface that sometimes other people walk over them

(talking about the slums in my city back in India and the people who live there)

he: lets ride from chennai to pondicherry sometimes

me: ok.

he: East Coast Road....120 km along the coast on a bike

me: will i have my own bike?

he: Oakley item

he: if you want sure

he: 4 hours...

he: gives you a sore butt but its worth it

me: just a warning: i'm crazy.

me: heh

he: you think i'm crazy?

me: i dont know.. but if you are, we'll have fun.. if you aren't crazy, i'll make you crazy.. and then we'll have fun

he: hehe

me: shit! now i really really want to come to india!

he: if they had given me anything better than what they have....i'd buy this

he: what do you think?

me: that's awesome! how much does it cost?

he: 90,000 on road! but what a baby

me: hmm that's only $1,800?!

he: heh yeah

he: ”$1800 only” what a life! bah!

me: well when i get there.. we'll buy that and cruise around on that?! what say?

he: hehe sure.. we'll do that...

me: we're a bunch of losers! sitting around.. day dreaming.. bunch of damned creative losers!

he: what happens to the bike after you leave

me: you keep it

he: oh in my mind i already did and travelled the country too

me: lol

me: chalo. i'll try and take a whole 3 weeks off early next year.. come to india and just chill. how does that sound?

he: goood. Come.

he: r e l a x

me: will you still want to hang out with me.. i dont know.

he: are you talking about probablity in things?

Sometimes...distractions are merely clashes between two, three, four or all five of your senses trying to gain more attention.



random conversation

he: What are you afraid of?

me: i don’t know.

he: The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

me: uh huh

he: Have you had lunch?

me: nah. not hungry right now..

he: You have to keep eating. You can't survive on meals that you ate in the past, can you?

he: And I know you haven’t been sleeping. Listen, you have to sleep!

me: whatever dude.. just leave me alone.. either listen or don’t.. but stop bullshitting me ok?

he: Hey hon, you’ve been brave before.. all you have to do is be brave once more!

i am brave. i'm a survivor. so please really stop giving me advice.. i cant bear to listen to anyone's bullshit.

i have my books.
i have my cats.
i have my life.

it's easy to be strong when..

..other people are giving me their support.

when everyone agrees with my point of view
when i'm being praised and applauded for my actions

when i feel sure that my course of action is correct, i can march bravely ahead in a spirit of determination.


it's not so easy when i feel vulnerable, unsure of myself and doubtful of my ability to make an accurate judgement.

"Survival is a privilege which entails obligations."

Simon Wiesenthal



this is what i'd love to do before i die..

fudgin' A!

and oh yeah! listen to the background music. damn.

take a look at the goof that aired on Fox News' UK network, Sky News...

it's talk like a pirate day!

so Avast ya lubbers and drink yer grog or ya be nothing but a bilge rat, or something like that.



my relationship with the infinite..

..is entirely my own.

i cannot share it with anyone else.


getting this for me as a birthday gift?


this from a sweetheart!

a crazy dude i know:

You're the Nile, you're the Tower of Pisa, you're the smile on the Mona Lisa, I'm a worthless cheque, a total wreck, a flop. But if baby I'm the bottom you're the top.

Happy Birthday, Princess.

that's funny. but i hate being refered to as "Princess".

isn't that a Cole Porter song though? hmm..

from my guardian angel:

I'm still following you around.
I'm still watching you closely.
I'm still with you in spirit everywhere you go.

I know that you need
and encouragement.

I also know that you're facing something that you find
and impossible.

I know how hard it is not to do something
dramatic and decisive
in response to all this.

I also know, though,
just as you do,
that it is not the answer.

And I'm here to help you stay as calm as you can!

Happy Birthday.


We will grow old together.

Get used to it.
I miss your birth day,
I will remember it a few days later,
It is going to happen till I die.
The only thing which will change is when by how many days I miss.
The more I miss, the older I get and more I grovel.

One fine day you will realize that, may be he misses it deliberately so that he can grovel, another excuse to talk to me and then you smile. I hope to peep-in through the door and catch you doing that. Bliss!

i have no idea why..

but i'm in a good mood today!


had a really quiet birthday yesterday (9/14).


here's an interesting blog:


life of a belly dancer..

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde

once my imagination takes flight..

i find it hard to clip its wings.

i keep seeing monsters in the mist.

logic dominates me by day. but come night and the low visibility, logic becomes subordinate to fantasy. its booming voice becomes a pathetic and pitiful squeak of protest.

its definitely not rescuing me from unnecessary anxiety.


..until something chases the shadows away, faith is all i can cling to.

things i did today:
  1. reined myself in.
  2. held myself back.
  3. counted to ten.
  4. then counted again.
  5. tried solving a sudoku.
  6. then ran around the block.

love affair with lindsey bernat

August 30th:
4:00 AM
4:00 AM
4:34 AM
4:36 AM
4:38 AM
4:47 AM
4:48 AM
4:51 AM
4:55 AM

August 31st:
4:30 AM
4:30 AM

September 1st:
3:25 AM
3:48 AM
4:15 AM
4:26 AM
4:27 AM
6:40 AM

aah! the sweetness.

the love affair with lindsey bernat.


who wants to move in with me?

yes. i'm serious.


and here..

i'd die for a single wild flower.. picked up from the roadside.

and there..

as of last night..

i'm officially single!


its a new feeling. my close friends and family think i'll be scared and anxious and nervous and (all the feelings attached with a break up).

but i'm not.

my life isn't going to be any different than it was for the past 4 years (hmm?).

i've always been a survivor..

i can detach myself from a situation/person in a blink of an eye. its how i've coped with a lot of situations in the past.

  1. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.
  2. The state of being separate or detached.
  3. Indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness: preserved a chilly detachment in his relations with the family.
  4. Absence of prejudice or bias

indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness

just because i carry my emotions on my sleeve or because i'm so expressive and full of life doesn't mean i cant survive without people.

i love being alone.

i'm a misanthrope. i don't trust people. i don't like to indulge in idle banter with them.

i think i'm doing exactly that right now.. so i'll stop.


Give my love to xxxxx. Does she remember us at all? I recall my conversation with her vividly so many years ago. She was so cute with her tweety accessories..your child bride. :-)

child bride, eh? interesting.

most times, i'm my own worst enemy.

Hindi Song Title: Sach ye hai bekaar hamen
Hindi Movie/Album Name: SILSILAY (ALBUM)

sach ye hai bekaar hamen Gham hotaa hai
jo chaahaa thaa duniyaaN mein kam hotaa hai
sach ye hai bekaar hamen Gham hotaa hai

Dhaltaa suraj phailaa jangal rastaa gum
hamse poochho kaisaa aalam hotaa hai

GhairoN ko kab fursat hai dukh dene ki
jab hotaa hai koi hamdam hotaa hai
sach ye hai bekaar hamen Gham hotaa hai

zaKhm to hamne in aaNkhoN se dekhe hain
logoN se sunte hain marham hotaa hai

zahan ki shaaKhoN par ash_aar aa jaate hain
jab teri yaadoN kaa mausam hotaa hai
jo chaahaa thaa duniyaaN mein kam hotaa hai
sach ye hai bekaar hamen Gham hotaa hai


via him:

A post from Craigslist (not my own)

SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.

I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

I'm 40, but look 50 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.

My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.

Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.

Serious replies only, please.


the moon shines
a spotlight on my blood.
glass shreds surround
turning me to dust.

as i lay there
breathing my last
of the world
and its eccentricities..
all i can think of
is my heart
and its final kiss.

and i remembered..
the sun peered
into my soul.
and i knew
he had a look of betrayal.

et tu, brutus?

and so i let
the last drop flow.
and so i let
my last thought go.

and i ceased to exist.

just like that..
i ceased to exist.


read this somewhere..
If you didn't love so much,
you wouldn't care so much.

If you didn't care so much,
you wouldn't feel so much.

If you didn't feel so much,
you wouldn't hurt so much.

If you didn't hurt so much,
you wouldn't think so much.

If you didn't think so much,
life would not mean so much.

Sensitivity may be a mixed blessing but it remains a very precious gift. But no matter how raw or vulnerable you may feel now, you are lucky to experience this emotion. Don't fear it. Process it. Learn from it. Allow it to evolve and allow yourself to evolve with it.

its already..

september 01, 2005.


posts: 2222

a (rare) forward from my mom:

Facts about "Jana Gana Mana" - Just a thought for the National Anthem! How well do you know about it?

I have always wondered who is the "adhinayak" and "bharat bhagya vidhata", whose praise we are singing. I thought might be Motherland India! Our current National Anthem "Jana Gana Mana" is sung throughout the country.

Did you know the following about our national anthem, I didn't.

To begin with, India's national anthem, Jana Gana Mana Adhinayaka, was written by Rabindranath Tagore in honour of King George V and the Queen of England when they visited India in 1919.

To honour their visit Pandit Motilal Nehru had the five stanzas included, which are in praise of the King and Queen. (And most of us think it is in the praise of our great motherland!!!)

In the original Bengali verses only those provinces that were under British rule, i.e. Punjab, Sindh, Gujarat, Maratha etc. were mentioned. None of the princely states were recognised which are integral parts of India now Kashmir, Rajasthan, Andhra, Mysore or Kerala. Neither the Indian Ocean nor the Arabian Sea was included, since they were directly under Portuguese rule at that time.

The Jana Gana Mana Adhinayaka implies that King George V is the lord of the masses and Bharata Bhagya Vidhata is "the bestower of good fortune".

Following is a translation of the five stanzas that glorify the King:

First stanza: (Indian) People wake up remembering your good name and ask for your blessings and they sing your glories. (Tava shubha naame jaage;tava shubha aashish maage, gaaye tava jaya gaatha)

Second stanza: Around your throne people of all religions come and give their love and anxiously wait to hear your kind words.

Third stanza: Praise to the King for being the charioteer, for leading the ancient travellers beyond misery.

Fourth stanza: Drowned in the deep ignorance and suffering, poverty-stricken, unconscious country? Waiting for the wink of your eye and your mother's (the Queen's) true protection.

Fifth stanza: In your compassionate plans, the sleeping Bharat (India) will wake up. We bow down to your feet O' Queen, and glory to Rajeshwara (the King).

This whole poem does not indicate any love for the Motherland but depicts a bleak picture. When you sing Jana Gana Mana Adhinayaka, whom are you glorifying? Certainly not the Motherland. Is it God? The poem does not indicate that.

It is time now to understand the original purpose and the implication of this, rather than blindly sing as has been done the past fifty years.

Nehru chose the present national anthem as opposed to Vande Mataram because he thought that it would be easier for the band to play!!! It was an absurd reason but Today for that matter bands have advanced and they can very well play any music. So they can as well play Vande Mataram, which is a far better composition in praise of our dear Motherland India.

Wake up, it's high time! Shouldn't Vande Mataram be our National Anthem.