h a p p y b i r t h d a y, JR .

may this year bring you joy and happiness and togetherness :-)


the whole night could have been spent in physical proximity and the exchange of superflous words too bad you are not here since life is meaningless and death is inevitable but is anyone up for some vicarious living i think not and yes i think not because my heart belongs in domremy though i have changed since the thoughts left me i am feeling humbled a little lost a little quiet peering out of an uncurtained window i have been preparing for a battle with my emotions my past i walked a thousand miles wept till the outer worlds were flooded i will wait till an eternity but i am a fool to believe i have anything you need somewhere deep inside me are thoughts i want you to know feelings i want to express share my parallel universes but no words to speak no heart to feel no eyes to see all i have is a mouth that can spew venom and that is not how i want to live my life will my soul ever learn even after many hurts swollen eyes dark circles greet the mirror every morning a tear tries to wash away the dark does not succeed a heart that seems too far away to reciprocate to even a mysterious seduction and no it is not stoic neither is it surrounded by dark spaces where screams are black-holed does it still have faith on this empty idea i know not you have me caught in desire for a verbal existence with and without any meaning yearn mourn palpitate breathe scream weep for whom

i know not.

Computer Lit

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME.




Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker...

1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"



you go girl! (whoever that may be)


[9/10/2001 8:02:35 PM | fool maker]

i dropped mom off at home..
and drove off.
i didn't know where i was going

the windows were down
and the rain poured in
soaking my soul

i didn't realize where i was when i parked the car
i was in exchange place
near the colgate pier

saw the clouds move south towards the world trade center
i actually saw them move over the chrysler and the empire state
over the washington monument
and right into the world trade center

i cried.
it was so beautiful.

i cried.


now i wonder
was i mourning for a tragedy
before i knew it would happen


there's not much i can do..
and i feel helpless and frustrated.

but the good lord has actually blessed me
and given me the O negative blood type

if i could give it all away
i would.

i truly would.


h a p p y..b i r t h d a y,..f o o l m a k e r.

may the world you live in be blessed with a plenitude of all the good things.

does not being a light-skinned person automatically make me a muslim from the middle-east?

I'm Indian.
and i'm as hurt and shocked and devastated as any other person in this country.
and i'm as much a purveyor of the battle against terrorism as is any American.

that is the strict and definitive truth.

every one of those accusatory looks i get is equivalent to a stab in my heart..
but can my tongue hush this storm of anger?
and can we hush this deepest grief of all?
as a United America?

My religion is Humanity
and Love is my God

and that is all that matters to me.
so why point fingers at me..
without knowing what i actually stand for?
I know people are angry
and I understand the source
All I request is for people to try and distinguish
their foes from their friends.

friends have a open heart
and genuineness on their face.
is that so hard to recognize?
If we fight amongst ourselves
who will destroy the demons?

This is the time to be United
time to unite ourselves
to fight and destroy
all the terror

May God grant us the
To accept the things we cannot change
To change the things we can and
To know the difference.

United America!


there is still some life in me
but alas! i just took my last breath.

what irony!

if a person were to die on his birthday
should his life be celebrated?
or his death mourned?

what do you think?


i dropped mom off at home..
and drove off.
i didn't know where i was going

the windows were down
and the rain poured in
soaking my soul

i didn't realize where i was when i parked the car
i was in exchange place
near the colgate pier

saw the clouds move south towards the world trade center
i actually saw them move over the chrysler and the empire state
over the washington monument
and right into the world trade center

i cried.
it was so beautiful.

i felt someone touch me
someone perform seppukku on my soul

it hurt
and i did cry.


one of my best birthday presents would be to visit lake tahoe.
have a quiet weekend
all by myself.

some people just dont know how to have fun.

ok. i agree that life can be a bitch at times.. and can definitely dump you in boring situations.
but that's where the challenge lies..
to be able to turn that around.. and try and have fun


if its that boring
try not to show it
and put others in an awkward position.

but you know
some people never learn.


yes but what do i really really want everyone knows what i say i want but am i not being very emphatic and dont i sound most convincing but then there are some people who can really read me and know from that far away look in my eyes that this is not the full story i can fool a lot of people i can even fool myself but my heart knows that i am not entirely happy with a certain situation or with my declared plan for dealing with it sooner or later something will cause me to change tack but isn't the difference between success and failure simply a matter of being persistent

oh well.


he: shouldn't you be fast asleep? its 3:28am
me: yeah right. maybe around 3:30am..

or maybe never.

then again

who would care

if i sleep or wait

wait till gaia lays herself to rest

and if she did

would we ever meet?

darling there will never be another
cuz i love you
don't ever leave me
say you'll never go..

sometimes it just sucks being me.
i hate being me.


went to see my hair dresser
after one year!
he saw me and screeched

"aiyah! what's happened to my beautiful foolmaker?
who are you? and what have you done to my pretty femme?"

i couldn't stop laughing.

i trust him completely. i let him experiment with my hair. he always picks the right color and the right cut!
he's amazing!


one thing with him is: he NEVER ever agrees to cut my hair short. i asked him to cut it short this time.. and he told me to go see another hairdresser cuz he will not cut it.

"my dear, in your long hair lies your appeal"

but he's one boastful sonofagun!
supposedly, he was going to go party with JLo tonight.. and he does the makeup and hair of a lot of supermodels (world class!) and he's also been out with many of them.
he cracks me up with his stories.. (mostly made up.. )
he just does such a wonderful job of hairstyling and bullshitting.


i feel torn apart felt that way most of my life and still feel so and i hate it when i get that sinking feeling after i have had too many laughs throughout the day because i know that by the time i get into bed i will have either upset someone or have a fight/argument with someone and that's exactly what happened today i knew i shouldn't have laughed that much sigh i'm stupid in some ways because i never learn oh well i hope this will pass.


on a different note: thanks to all my friends who remember that my birthday is coming up.. and i would appreciate it if you please dont spoil me with any kind of gifts. i will love to see some love in my mailbox though :-)

its 2:38am
and i'm restless.
and bored.

and not poetic at all.
nor am i artistic.
i wouldn't be able to draw a straight line with a ruler.


i find myself at a loss
i ponder what life is all about
and ask what is my purpose.

friends in vritual / real life
find me a happy person
one who can help them feel good about life

then there's my family
who think i'm melancholic
and maybe i am

i tend to over-analyze
and i tend to over-criticize
everything that i say and do

and then i remember
that i should be thankful i'm alive.
i tend to take life for granted
besides other things.

and i often complain
that i'm bored.
bored of what though?
i know not.


i need some inspiration.
i am going to read Saint Joan tomorrow for the umpteenth time.

your dead body did not feel the spade and the sewer as my live body felt the fire

wonderfulman knows how to flatter me:
(this is the first time i'm posting something like this on my blog, but i just can't resist it)

Recognize the artwork in your curves
the rhythm in your hips every swerve
as you paint the path with the colors of your passing,
a canvas colors the minds of man
that fancy
and dream
that you would be their dessert.
is not intentionaly done when you talk
but the softness of your voice is enough
to temper anger
and engender dreams
within you is the power of teams
know it
and show it
let your sweetness fill the air
and those that appreciate beauty will always be looking
when the wind catches your hair.

now i have to do something about this big head that i got reading that!

h a p p y b i r t h d a y, AD .

i just hope that this new year brings you more joy and happiness and togetherness :-)

i have this horrible stomach ache..
and it refuses to go away.

i can't even lie down.
and i have blah blah classes tomorrow


this is one of my most favorite photos. i absolutely adore this picture. it was taken at the entrance of a buddhist monastery near the napa valley.
i've turned to this picture often ... to calm me down when i'm hyper / super-tensed / nervous / etc.

so i get this call this morning from an old friend..

me: hello?
he: ooooh.
me: huh?
he: i had forgotten how sexy you sound over the phone.
me: you dirty old bastard... :-)

i sound like a 30+ year old.. that's so pathetic..
and actually i feel old too these days!
and i haven't yet completed college!



on the school front:
i've decided to commit suicide this semester.

i'm taking 19 credits and 4 out of the 5 classes are upper level classes.

but the good part is that 4 of the professors are really really good.. i love them!
that should make life easier.
in some ways.

and oh! btw, i'm not the biggest fan of coding.. and coding's what i gotta do this sem.

double cheers

Doctoral Thesis

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch", said the fox.

"Wait", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right." "Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself." So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.


first day of school.
first day of my last year in school.
first day of my (last) year with this educating-myself business.

i know not what it brings.
i wait.
in anticipation.
in hope.
with dreams.


just get me the fuck out of this stinking place!
that's all i ask.


i saw the full moon rise
on the drive towards manhattan

and i remembered the day
i realized i was in love.


but that is a day better forgotten.

ok so the last day of august was a total bummer.

actually the right word would be: