my dream: to be in his shoes

http://autozine.kyul.net/article/brunei/sultan.htm

blood

blood rolls off my fingers shining foot-prints on every tile all red all bright leading me confusing me going back and forth you saw me all quiet and still you didn't see the prints i chase your dream then am lost look around ..blood foot-prints eerie a drop .. a tear through red and red show fear he's not here stretched veins and souls chalks and pencil strokes one thread with shreds all bright and red shiny glass broken rainbows against flesh piece by piece thread by thread all now shreds a drop or two of pure red blood drip off my teeth on to my tongue a rollover journey around my mouth then onto my lips and further down meandering away onto my navel one stop wonder like water on gravel the color of night dark midnight feet still red foot-prints still bright my hands wrapped around as i turn white

7.27.2002

the morning rudely awakens my soul my eyes have stories better left untold i sit quiet and patiently i wait i feel the cracks in the walls isn't he coming high pitch noises silence of the mimes he told me he would come back then i waited for mr. phillips to come and get his iguana i bought the tie i had no shirt to wear it with the crack on my lip yearns to be soothed thought i heard the sounds of snowflakes that used to be music to my ears one day i was singing and playing we were all singing and playing i will think i will sing and play one day i will walk out of my house and walk my ghost fish and people would still think i am weird weird i am i will but one day when people see i boil my soul in tea will i still be weird everybody boils their soul in grapejuice i will boil it in tea remembered you like tea remembered you liked someone i will be happy one day when you return will you be happy i think not the beauty of a lady so becometh you walk away the cat sings the rhyme you sit in front of me awkward did i dream you up did i dream it all no that can't be true how else would i know the taste of your lips how else would i still remember the feel of your soft crescents agains my rough fingers did i lose you i wake up read the newspaper scramble those eggs iron that shirt smooth that crease buy odwalla's that is all i live for neighbor's out is he looking for his lost soul and i still have time to be sad

7.26.2002

Subject: do...

> ... you smile often?

Subject: weird

> I was seeing your name in my mind... thru out the day... like a ticker...
>
> it's 11:15 pm... I'm still at work...

i am sprawled out on the couch... ice cold asahi beer and avaro burrito from the local 'whole foods' for dinner - last time i had any asahi was in tokyo in '98.... with some warm sake out of a wonderful wooden cup.... and the computer dings... signalling mail... i walk over.... here you are... talking of sepuku... the ironic coincidence doesnt escape my notice...

joke:

A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

damn! is this really me!?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

"You always hurt the one you love..."

or is it the other way round? our emotions render us vulnerable. the more we feel, the more we reel. yet we cannot help but care. without our passions, our needs and our desires - we are as nothing.

he: hello. how are you?

me: fine, thanks for asking.

we ask each other how we are - but do we really care? i insist that i am doing fine, even when my boots are on fire and my arms are being eaten off by crocodiles. i dont really tell anybody how i feel - and then i wonder why no one understands me! ha. for quite a while now, i've been suppressing a powerful emotion. but its getting stronger everyday! i have to examine it, confront it, understand it, deal with it and act out the drama its urging me to play a part in.

She gave it all up for the love of a man who could never be her's and yet feels enriched with the legacy of loving him.

and I woke up
--------------------------walked out.. for the first time the sand hurt.

-----------the moon looked sad.
------as it sunk .. closer to the horizon.

I remembered something
---------------then felt a tear

------I felt lost.

--and I'm still waiting..

and i will cry. and my heart will crumple like the piece of paper. for i will always miss the moments.

what time is it?

3:21am

and i'm still awake.
it can get tough for us insomniacs.
yes, i've joined them too.

too many things on my mind.
too many things to accomplish.
too little time for life.

as time passes by
it drains me of all my energy
and i feel life being sucked out of me
moment by moment.
is it worth living this way?

and life seems to be endless.. ha!

and all that vitality has disappeared.
with togetherness should come marked improvement
in life
an influx of smiles, giggles, joy, love
is usually seen.
but not in my case.
now, isn't that weird?

that youthful enthusiasm is lost.
lost in the realms of dirt and dust

and those dreams
i thought they would bloom
with some companionship and loving and caring
alas.
those dreams have been burned.
forever lost.

and me?
i still look yonder
with no emotion in my eyes
no feeling in my heart
and no yearning in my soul.

i don't think i truly know how lucky i am.. lets see - i am gobsmackingly, mindblowingly, teethskiningly fortunate. i could easily be in a situation far worse than the one i now face. i must understand this and learn to be grateful. the way to better my lot is to stop bemoaning it. life is giving me a chance to create opportunity where none previously existed. its also bringing me the chance to go round in circles achieving nothing and feeling sorry for myself.

what do you think i'm going to do?? :-p

here's an interesting poem dedicated to me (thanks j);

Trois allumettes une à une allumées dans la nuit
La premiére pour voir ton visage tout entier
La seconde pour voir tes yeux
La dernière pour voir ta bouche
Et l'obscuritè tout entière pour me rappeler tout cela
En te serrant dans mes bras.

translation

Three match sticks, I light one after the other in the night
The first to see your face, the whole face
The second to see your eyes
The last to see your mouth/ lips
and the darkness on the whole makes remember the whole of it
while I hold you in my arms


phew.

the strategy is risky. but as they say, all i have to lose is a mere ranch. the loss, in no way, compares to the 100-fold profits i will make. i love risks.

gosh. i forgot how much i enjoyed working. i'm still the same old corporate workaholic person i used to be 3 years ago. the only thing that's changed is corporate-fucking-workaholic-no-nonsense-in-your-face bitch. and now i know the true power i possess as a young woman in a damned world of old men. i know its cliche.. but the passion i have for working in such places.. and being 24/7 in such environments has so overwhelmingly engulfed me that i see no further than this - the wardrobe, the hi-tech offices, the shrewd and cunning salesman in every single body, but most of all, the power.

ok. so i'm a power hungry passion freak. whatcha gonna do?

(p.s. $25/hr for doing stuff that i like.. life doesn't get any better).

ETERNAL TRUTHS:

• Once over the hill, you pick up speed.


• I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.


• If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.


• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.


• I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.


• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.


• Some days are a total waste of makeup.


• If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.


• If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.


• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

we are always being urged to do the right thing. we are encouraged to be kind, caring and considerate. we are told about the importance of compromise and tolerance. often though, people fail to mention the drawbacks of charitable behavior: the inconvenience, the stress, the sense of being taken for granted. the frustration involved in having to feign enthusiasm. right now, i feel like i'm giving more than i can really spare. there may come a moment when i might regret this. but for every such "maybe regretful moments" there comes another moment when i am glad.

i find him funny.

i think i can put it down.. i dont need to hang on to it any more. it has given me enough grief. it has caused me enough stress, time and money. if i dont not leave it alone, it will become like quicksand and will start to suck every last ounce of my strength until i disappear completely within it. yet the irony is, i dont need it. it is all but irrelevant. i have something much brighter to bask in. i hope to see some sunshine the very moment that i move away from the shadow that is being cast by my pressing concern.

aahh. rescue me!

i'm quite the one for going on about freedom. but freedom can only be real if responsibility has been taken. and if there's one thing i dont need to learn about, its non-attachment. i can be so fucking detached from situations that i'm practically in free-fall. i don't know why.. but i feel pretty detached from people these days. its almost as though i lost trust in humanity as a whole. the good side is that it helps me keep me and life in perspective.

well, is that good or bad?

someone's recent harsh words are still clanging in my ears like a discordant bell.. giving me a headache. hm. i wonder why? < cuz me is an idiot > and i keep going over and over what they said. and then what i said. and then what they said back to me. analysing this difficult conversation wont get me anywhere.. but moving on is always easier said than done. trying to force words that i want to hear out of someone is also a waste of time..

internal dialogue

me: what's so bad about wearing your heart on your sleeve?

me: if people know how i feel, it might make me more vulnerable.

me: agreed. but is that always such a bad thing? sometimes, we're so busy acting tough that we fool people far more than we know. which makes it hard for them to realize when we need comforting.

for every action, there’s a reaction. i've said my piece now.. i've reacted. so what i need to do next is wait. pressing for the next instalment is tempting.. but pointless. i've already used up enough of my precious energy. that magical spark.. that zest i had in me.. i lost it somewhere along the line.

people say, there is no problem in this world that cannot be resolved through a process of constructive communication. people love saying such things because it makes them feel wise and righteous. but have you ever noticed that when these same people sit down to talk to one another, it is never long before they start disagreeing. in an ideal world, i wouldn't be in a situation like the one i face now.. but this is not an ideal world!! and trying to make it one is just a sheer waste of my entire being. so, i wont talk to people who wont listen.

ta da!

a few things in this world ever seem to come to an end. our stories, dramas, processes just trundle on relentlessly. .. to take up residence in a human body is to be given a life sentence - a sentence with many commas and no full stops. even the end of life itself is not really an end! so are we all heading for a "happy ever after"? i don't think so. its more a happy "for the time being".

>Foolmaker foolmaker make me a chat
>with interesting stories of this and that
>two blithe souls chatting and trying to think
>making do with keyboards instead of ink
>
>how is thy health I endeavor to ask
>and remember nothing sucks like a postponed task
>so I run as my dirty work for the day beckons
>leaving behind this mail cursing like the dickens

< via korli >

it is easy to identify the people who can't count to 10. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Useless Story:

Did you ever wonder where the word FUCK came from?

Well it's actually an acronym. It came from the olden days when the king ruled over the entire land. You see back then the king controlled everything...even how many babies were allowed to be born in his kingdom. Before a couple could have a baby they would have to get permission from the king. If the king allowed them to have a baby he would give them a sign that hung outside their door so that any guard passing by would know that it was okay for them to be having sex. The sign said "Fornicating Under Consent of King". Hence the word FUCK.

random:

a full moon gives out as much light as a 15-watt bulb on the ceiling. you can just about read by it.

too tired and worn to know
that we're all passing through
with nowhere to arrive
and everywhere to go.

love hurts. so does truth.

should i then avoid both at all costs? i begin to wonder if i have gone too far in the past few weeks. i've been almost painfully honest with myself.. and with someone close. and i now find myself in a difficult position. to maintain the integrity of all that i've recently said, i have to go in one direction. to maintain a sense of peace, ease and tranquility, i dont have to go in the other direction. maybe i should stay where i am and keep up the pretence. it seems a very tempting option.. but i have to complete what i started.

i don't make much sense, do i?

never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.

instant coffee, instant life?

i live in a push-button, just-add-water, instant-flick-of-the-remote, kind of world. and i, like most people, expect to be able to get whatever i want just when i want it. sometimes, this happens. sometimes our machines don't do what they're supposed to do. sometimes, relationships don't pan out quite in the way i expect them to. most times, i encounter obstacles (like the 6+ billion people).

run away.. run away.. run away and save my life

Le plus ca change, le plus c'est la meme chose.

the more things change the more they stay the same. that's what the french say. but then, they eat snails ;) most of us find that when things change, they definitely do not stay the same. a change is a change - be it for the better or for the worse. i do find change coming into my life. a big one. i cannot avoid it.. but i'm not worried either. i have been hoping for a long time to tackle an exasperating problem.. and so far, every fucking attempt has been thwarted. maybe now i have an opportunity to achieve something that brings me great satisfaction.

interesting conversation

ferrari says:
"A Ferrari," an owner of both explained one time, "is the nice girl you take home to Mom and Dad. The Lamborghini is the wild slut you sleep around with on the side."
ferrari says:
whoo hoo.
ferrari says:
yo slut, what up?!!??!
lamborghini says:
lollllllllllllll. u are uproarious
ferrari says:
hahahahah. gosh that was so fucking hilarious..
lamborghini says:
that was good yo...am floored..lol
ferrari says:
you.. and floored?! no wonder you're so fast, you lil slut hahahahhahahaha

"A Ferrari," an owner of both explained one time, "is the nice girl you take home to Mom and Dad. The Lamborghini is the wild slut you sleep around with on the side."

more..

i made some sort of a deal, and i even shook hands on it, literally; but i'm not really entering into a contract with another person so much as with my own future. i'm stepping over the line which separates me from my past and sets me on course for something very different, and there are quite a few among my family and friends who are a little nervous about what i am and will be doing. i'm not, though. i've known about this for months. i've seen it, tried it, thought about the consequences, and decided that even with the bad bits it's still what i want to do.

the idea of extending my territory really appeals - but only if it can be on my terms.

a square?
night, yes, night before dawn foggy damp dreary and warm, a sweater thin and tight and shifting and lifting i lean on the edge of the bridge rusty iron and wood creak beneath my feet a quarter? and that's it? the lines of my hand etched in Normandy lost in the basement the first cold day of the very first decade

7.02.2002

horoscope for today:

You're who you are for a reason, and no one has the right to demand that you be someone else. According to the planets, someone in a position of authority will try to persuade you to change your point of view and your way of doing things today, which only goes to show how stupid some people are. They should know you better by now.

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, … never give up then, for that is just the time that the tide will turn."

-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

some people think that the best way to win an argument is to shout. then there are others who favour the reverse of this technique. they just put their fingers in their ears and refuse to listen to all opposing points of view. and trust me, its not just ordinary folk who pursue such policies. governments do it. large corporations too. no wonder the world is in such a messed up state.

and the real way to win an argument?

why that's easy. how about just not having an argument. how about striving for understanding, tolerance, harmony and mutual respect.

when my life is stressful, i find myself wishing that i too, could wake up and snap out of my situation. usually though, this is just not possible. no matter how hard i try to escape from reality, it follows me around, tapping me on the shoulder saying, "oye vey, haven't you forgotten something?" i can no more run from my problems than i can separate myself from my shadow. normally. but occasionally, i suddenly discover that everything has changed dramatically.

7.01.2002

josh: Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

heard on the subway:

You'll never be the man your mother was!

she: you have a major attitude problem.

me: nah. i don't have an attitude problem. you have a perception problem.

Our problem is not that we aim too high and miss, but that we aim too low and hit.

--Aristotle

About Me

Name: foolmaker

Location: new york, New York, United States

i don't exist.

View my complete profile

Me
Silence is good..except when I want to laugh.
I am a workaholic.
I don't exist.
I'm a realist - the glass is 50% water and 50% air.
Snakes are my passion/obsession.

Random Astro Fact
To remember the types of star classifications, commit the phrase "Oh,Be A Fine Girl Kiss Me" to memory. The first letter of each word is a star classification: O,B,A,F,G,K,M.

Weird
Contrary to popular thought, 'Kemo Sabe' actually means 'soggy shrub' in Navajo.

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two black holes - locked in a death dance! read more

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