me and men.

i'm not a feminist.

i just believe it's not even worth fighting for equal rights with assholes.

well, as i said earlier, most men are assholes.
ha. there's no way a man can look at the broader perspectives in life..

ferk that.

most of them can't even take simple decisions in life..

they need women to remind them.
and that's cuz either they're thinking about sports.. or sex..

most probably it's porn.

I read this article that said men think about sex on an average of once every four minutes.

what the hell?
they are not worth my time or attention..

when the men are out to play.. i'll make my hay..

come winter and ...

no enthusiasm.

plenty of bitching to do.

so the story has to wait.



Dr. M and I return.
I check meera.


she went from 7cm to 9.5cm in about a half an hour!
Now we just need the baby to come down a little more.

Meera said she has a slight urge to push..

I told her she can't as yet.

it's a pleasant ordeal for her.

she herself is a baby though.

there is still time for the baby to come out. he's a stubborn angel :-)

I saw the ultrasound reports etc. he looks angelic. I'm in awe all over again.

a new life does that to me.

there was a point in the ultrasound where I thought he was smiling.

isn't that amazing now?

I have to go get rest as well.

when the baby starts yelping to come out, I'm going to be busy.

"Misha, increase the dosage."

I increased the pain medication. It was starting to wear off pretty soon.

underneath my calm exterior was a frightened me.

God, don't let anything happen to meera and the baby. You have to guide me.

I go thru this phase every single time.. it's the whole getting-the-baby-out-safely-without-losing-mom thing.

"tisha, I didn't realize how much I hurt you.."

"well, everyone goes through that phase in life.. nah, you didn't hurt me.. you affected me psychologically"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.. wish I could change back.. I'd have treasured you.. I'd have..


oh no.


don't get me wrong.

I was excited.. seeing him after so long.

to a point where I was speechless sometimes.

he'd ask something.

I'd say, "huh?"

all I wanted was..

I didn't even know what I wanted.

the situation seemed so unreal.

we sit quietly.

not wanting to talk.

not really.

suddenly we both speak together -
me: so how've you been..
he: what's been happ..


I let him talk.

all his words were a blurr..

all I could see was this chaos.
in my mind.
this urge to fight the wrong..
or the right.

whatever it was that was making me feel uneasy.

his words were still a blur..

lord help me.

I wouldn't be attracted to a man like him.

atleast not at this age.

but I think I still feel that attraction because of the unreciprocated love syndrome.

maybe because I have not conquered him.

maybe because he never felt the way I did.

yes, I was still attracted to him.

I try and conquer my fears.

I try and battle my emotions.

I go and sit next to him.


One quick observation: "epidural = happiness"

I woke up scared.

dunno why.

my first thought was to go check on meera.

she was my responsibility. people trusted me with her life.

and yes, I will do my best.

as I checked on her, meera said - "I feel it in my butt"!

I couldn't help but let out a muffled laugh. :-)

5cm! 1cm an hour is average for this point, so we have at least 5 more hours to go!

I strongly urged her to get some sleep.

It feels really good to finally be making progress.

especially when meera is not showing any other complications.

thank you, sweet jesus.

I was hardly able to get a good sleep..

too restless

filled with memories haunting me from the past.

re-lived my first kiss.

tis' not so sweet now as it was before

neither is he as attractive now as he was before.

I was stupid as a kid.

fell left right and center for scrawny type of guys with yamaha bikes.

I think I loved the bikes more than the guys.

yeah. that was it.

anyways, the fact remains that I was definitely infatuated with him for a long long time.

nearly 7 years.

I stepped out.

he was standing there.

looking at me..

nope staring at me..

as though looking at me in a whole new light.

I was too tired to care.

this kind of stuff can get you exhausted, you know.

I give him a grim look.

and turn towards my office.

I didn't notice him walk up behind me.

his touch literally gave me a shock.. a static one at that.

he walked me to my office.

asked if I wanted a soothing smooth massage.

as tempting as it sounded, i refused.

god! did that require some will power!

I return.

had gone to get some fresh air. deliveries always make me sick.

I check her - 3 cm and -1 station. Great sign!

meera says - All this time and I'm only 3cm!. poor girl. her first baby.

I break her water with the crochet hook

her point of view - it felt warm and wet.

my point of view - lots of bloody mucous at first, then a stream of clear fluid.

Now she was having steady contractions. she looked very relaxed and will probably get some sleep now.

she needs to rest up.

for another few hours.

I walked out.

he was there.

asked him her name.


deja vu?

meera.. I wanted to name my daughter meera.

that's a whole different story.

I was continually checking her to see if she made any progress.

no she hadn't.

she was depressed.


what could I do to help her?

she had a big contraction - made even me cry

but it was because of a full bladder.

Dr. M said to check the cervix.

I did and realized the baby had come down a little. Misha (the nice nurse) tried to insert a baby moniter and to break her water but couldn't because she wasn't dilated enough for Misha's fingers and probe to fit in at the same time.

Misha wasn't comfortable doing this. She waited till I went to get some aqua.

At 1:15am, she (the patient) had the epidural.

I told her it wouldn't hurt but it would burn a bit.

she nodded.


I don't know her name as yet?

how am I working with her thru this ordeal then?


there I hear a cry.

from that lady in room 3.

turned out to be his friend.

she just had her first contraction

she reacted to the Pitocin very quickly and started to have regular contractions.

spaced pretty evenly.

Its a good sign.

I gave her an IV in her left wrist. It hurts a little, but that's normal.

It administers the Pitocin and two antibiotics - because of her heart problems.

this is going to be tough.

he sits next to me..


my pulse starts racing.

such tremendous effects.. even after so many years?

he fills my heart with everything..

every emotion possible



he walks up

doesn't say hi

he just starts talking as though we're starting off our conversation from where we had stopped years ago.

but I don't remember any conversation as such..


I was a kid..

and he didn't talk to kids.

that's what I remember.

oh well. he recognized me.

so what's the big deal?!

I'm not going to start drooling again.. like old times.

I'm a grown woman.

I'm not supposed to do that.

weirdo me.

people underestimate me.

they underestimate my reach..

my talents.

my capabilities.

and that's when they are surprised!


I didn't think he'd recognize me..

after all these years.

well, I've changed a lot since 1994.

but the fact is that he did.



there stops this guy.. and I almost die of shock!

don't tell me it's his wife! NO NO

I could feel my world spinning.

ah. there I get the aqua..

and it's not his wife. ;-)


well.. someone was in the hospital.. having a baby..

and I was called to look over the whole delivery..

the ooh's and the aah's I could hear pretty clearly.

I walked in.. and suddenly my heart started beating real fast..

the face looked very familiar..

this was going to be an ordeal..

the patient was in grave danger.

one of those tougher pregnancies, yaknow.

A life passes by, I watch passively.
I'm haunted by time, my enemy.
I fear that I'm bound, I fear that I'm free.
I'm haunted by time, my enemy...


a hermit's life sounds pretty interesting right now

i'd take a few good books..

and lots of music

and retire.

far up on those mountains..

with heavy mist covering any kind of impurities..

those green green trees and vines and shrubs..

that breath of fresh pure air..

and those innocent lil birds chirping.. nah talking and singing to me..

and all i can feel is some cold pure love from nature.

that's all i want.

that's all i ask.

is that too much?

i feel this lump in my throat.

i dont think i can go through with any of this human crap anymore.


c'est tres ..

lord. all i ask is please relieve me from this

you give everybody a choice.

why not me?

s'il vous plait.

dont i deserve a chance to make a choice?

if you dont give me a choice..

i will.


it's official


or women for that matter

i don't need anybody.

anybody who thinks about sex


and more sex.

i have a life to live.

and sex is not even close to being on my schedule

so did you get my message?

you did right?

you supposedly intelligent.. oh sorry sextelligent idiot.


cuz if you didn't get it..

that's your fcuking problem.

men think women are hard to understand.

i think it's so fcuking hard to psyche out men's maste(u)r(bating) minds!

why do they need women?

aren't they pretty self sufficient?


get away

you dirty stinking ..


wish I could escape to a sexless world at my will

i'd be there right now.

can't you understand?? I say no sex..

no touching

i'm touchy about this ok!

why are men such assholes?

gosh i would never know that eh.

I can tolerate everything.. but not this damn fcuking business.

sex starved bastards.

weell.. not in that that sense ...

but yeah.

i'm angry.

and yes

i am ANGRY.

any problems?

don bradman is dead.

may his soul rest in peace.

men are sick assholes!


well, most men.


my world has been sad since february 2nd.


and I feel kinda solemn today.. not a great mood to drive in..

I keep thinking all this is a dream.. and I'll wake up momentarily


life sure is made of a few special moments.

I will remember them.

I woke up
walked out.. for the first time the sand hurt.

-----the moon looked sad.
....................................as it sunk .. closer to the horizon.

was the moon drowning in his own tears?
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((i felt sad.

I remembered something
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^then felt a tear

I felt lost.

and I'm still waiting..

someone: give me the top three reasons for marriage
me: I would give no reason for marriage.. because I dont believe in the institution of marriage
me: but people do.. and each one has his/her own reason to be in a marriage

I've always liked older men.

and never have younger guys been attracted to me.

nor have I been attracted to guys my age..

maybe one exception.

that's it.



I love cheescake too...


I developed this craving for a slice of strawberry cheesecake..

I want my cheesecake NOW!!!





in the redness lies a spark

> huh?

well, in the redness lies a spark

and that spark does work miracles.

> I dont understand you.. ambiguity and faith in one sentence.
> I truly dont understand you.

what's there to understand?

> you tell me..

ha. there's nothing.. and then there's everything.

yes in that redness lies a spark that does work miracles.


I love you too neesh... :-)

and I miss you beaucoup.

we'll definitely team up this summer

and paint the town red eh?!

Aneesha11: A CAR??????????????????
Aneesha11: wow!!
Aneesha11: how exciting!
Aneesha11: what kind!!
tscquasar: volkswagen passat 2001 model
Aneesha11: u'll be riding in STYLE BABY!
tscquasar: he he he

it must've been love.. but it's over now..

it must've been good.. but i lost it somehow..

play a whisper

on my pillow..

da dee dumm dumm

dum dee dum

touch me now

i close my eyes

goodbye gramma..

I already miss you.


everything is temporary.. right?

like.. life?


waiting for someone..

how long can someone be upset?

why is someone upset?

why does someone need to be upset?

why does someone try and keep someone who loves someone away from someone?

it's a whole story of someone.. sometimes.. somewhere..

but i know

i have faith

someone's going to return to me..

that's what i know

and i still do..

have faith.

i have a dream

a song to sing

to help me cope

with everything

if you see the wonder

of a fairy tale

you can take the future

even if you fail


i believe in angel

something good in everything i see

i believe in angel

when i know the time is right for me

i've crossed the stream

i've had a dream


and my destination

makes it worth the while

pushing through the darkness

still another mile

i believe in angel




my own lil vw passat.

with all those lil accessories!

double wheeeeeeeeeeeee.


what do you want to say?

> huh.

have a meeting 9 - 12 tomorrow at work

then sunday fly to denver

then have 37 meetings over mon/tue/wed/thur at that damn conference in Denver. then
another one on fri morning, then fly back , then a dinner meeting in palo alto
on fri night

then to nyc the following week


where are you?

> who cares where/who/why i am?

I think, therefore I am single.

> funny.
> and true.

oh you think so do you?



> > i have yet to learn how to live.
> you cant learn to live...

perhaps not.... but i would atleast know that i cannot learn to live... i
havent learned that yet.

its like when one starts building walls brick by brick... eventually you
figure out if you were building the wall to keep everyone out or keep
yourself in...

either way, you gotta learn

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.


sometimes its impossible to write.

these days i feel completely disengaged from everything... like i am
enclosed in a sheet of glass through which i see and hear only if i strain
to do so...

feels like i am just repeating myself though... inside this case of glass
thoughts and sounds and words just bounce back and forth... nothing goes


q: how're you feeling?

a: just blaah.

split open by the raw and the unfulfilled.

sometimes it just sucks to be me.

off to another start eh?




sexually you mean?

that too.

what is it that you want?


can you handle it?

willing to try. ready to accept responsibilities and hard work that comes with power.

is that so?

yes. I'm sure.

do you know what power is?

ho.. humm.. eh well.

the question of the day..

what exactly is power?