am sitting here, drenched in sweat that pours off my head though it doesnt
bleed away the thudding of blood that rushes in and demands something

i sit here naked, stripped to the flesh... sweat surrounded

did you ever know desire like this?

he: the two of you couldn't be more different. you are chalk and cheese. more like earth and air.. fire and water. where do these elements ever come together?

me: everywhere.. and nowhere. on the horizon, where the land meets the sky. on the mountain, where the cliff meets the cloud. we're forever fascinating to each other.. not to mention powerfully, mutually attracted.

a notion of naughtiness
a hint of challenge
a sense of forbidden fruit

fatal attractions

he: why do you levitate towards the lofty realm of intellect the moment you wake up?

me: maybe because i have a drifting soul and a shifting spirit. i go where my thoughts take me.. in the process, i forget i even have a body.


the morning rudely awakens my soul my eyes have stories better left untold i sit quiet and patiently i wait i feel the cracks in the walls isn't he coming high pitch noises silence of the mimes he told me he would come back then i waited for mr. phillips to come and get his iguana i bought the tie i had no shirt to wear it with the crack on my lip yearns to be soothed thought i heard the sounds of snowflakes that used to be music to my ears one day i was singing and playing we were all singing and playing i will think i will sing and play one day i will walk out of my house and walk my ghost fish and people would still think i am weird weird i am i will but one day when people see i boil my soul in tea will i still be weird everybody boils their soul in grapejuice i will boil it in tea remembered you like tea remembered you liked someone i will be happy one day when you return will you be happy i think not the beauty of a lady so becometh you walk away the cat sings the rhyme you sit in front of me awkward did i dream you up did i dream it all no that can't be true how else would i know the taste of your lips how else would i still remember the feel of your soft crescents agains my rough fingers did i lose you i wake up read the newspaper scramble those eggs iron that shirt smooth that crease buy odwalla's that is all i live for neighbor's out is he looking for his lost soul and i still have time to be sad

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Each morning sees some task begin,
Each evening sees it close;
Something attempted, something done,
Has earned a night's repose.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


there are more than six billion people on our planet. how important then, can any of us be as individuals?

can you imagine a car with only two gears? first and fourth. you can either hurtle or trundle. there's no middle ground. it’s not a very comfortable way to get around, is it now?


i'm very fascinated by point and purpose. i feel that everything is supposed to have an end result. an explanation. a justification. if such things aren't supplied in sufficient quality or quantity, the scorn on my face is noticeable. yet i don't have a clue as to what i came to this earth to accomplish.. oh yeah.. i love my favourite theories – and hate people who have alternate beliefs... but the fact remains that there’s a whole lot of guesswork going on in my head.


tomorrow, i.e. Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003, is Shakespeare's 451st birthday?

uh oh. i smell him again!

definitely not good.


a friend forwarded this article to me.. what do you think?

i've been banging on the window, hammering on the door. shouting, yelling, ringing the bell. i want to be let in.and i definitely want access to forbidden territory. i want that damn barrier to come down so i can feel free to move on. and i will not rest until i've tried every trick in the book – plus a few more they never got around to writing down.

he's back and i love him.


he: so does this mean an end to your frog-kissing?

me: huh?

he: they say that, "if you kiss enough frogs, one of them is sure to turn out to be a prince.".

me: you've got the story all wrong. its not about frogs, kisses, princes.. its about me.

he: but you still have to agree with me.. this all has a magical twist to it. little angels, winged fairies, knights.. and all the works. you wanted it.. you made it happen because you believed.

m: it takes more than belief to make magic. It takes effort, intelligence, ingenuity, passion, persistence... and patience.

luck is a funny old thing.

i smell cupid.

not good.

the scientists love to explain everything to us. they are keen to make sure we understand there is no such thing as magic. some illusions, they insist, are very impressive but ultimately, they are just tricks. once the hidden logic has been revealed, you need no longer feel mystified. yet there are still some things science can offer us no satisfactory insight into. yes. there's magic alright.. and its happening to me :)

i know this thought has been used and abused over and over again yet i have to say something..

people can be terribly superficial at times. they judge one another by how they look or by what they do for a living or by where they live. by where they come from or by who they know. yet all these things really mean very little. a person’s true worth can only be gauged in one way. by the depth of what lies in their heart.

the world divides up into two kinds of people - the pots and the kettles.


a funeral, i prepare for
a requiem to write
a heart to bury
when no one's in sight.

a murder to commit
a crime to create
a heart to kill
when everything's at stake.

with fatigue of shock
those eyes do stare
at the invisible knife
and its murderous glare.

it comes closer
weaving in and out
chasing my voice
though i can't shout.

menacing prancing
sweeping glancing
reeling curling
ritualistic dancing.

i see it coming
i stand still
accept the fact
was born to be killed.

all i asked
was a little tlc
respect, faith
and to be set free.

naive of me
thought i deserved it
forgot my life
wasn't really mine to lead.

but now its all over
i wont feel a thing
my life will end
even before it begins

my wishes, my dreams
turned into the knife
tugging shredding tearing
my heart out of life.

scared or scarred?
wont know till it ends
seppukku? maybe
i see the knife, it bends.

the knife is out
with shreds of flesh
blood oozing and pouring
in a frenzy, a mad rush.

no scream, no pleas
a silent death
all i want
is me put to rest.

sometimes i feel that my life is like trying to run up a down escalator. it takes me all my effort and energy to just stay in one place.

he: never mind "can you get what you want?" instead ask, "do you want what you can get?". and right now what you can get is much more appetizing than what you want.

it takes more than belief to make magic. it takes effort, intelligence, ingenuity, passion, persistence... and patience.


India vs. Kenya


a few pictures from the India vs. Pakistan match

s's thoughts on indecisiveness in relationships:

There comes a point in any relationship when you realise that it has gone beyond mere friendship and become something else. If you are free to take it further, then this is an exciting moment; if you are not, then you have problems, because once this point is reached neither of you can simply walk away. The glue that stuck you together has dried, and it is impossible to pull the pieces apart without damaging them.

so i frowned. and he whispered in my ear :

never frown because you dont know who is falling in love with your smile.

and so i frowned even more.

when i'm hungry, the simplest question seems like an intimidating challenge. when i'm sleepy, the easiest task appears like an entry test for MENSA.

Sunrise in Durban

mushkil ashkon ko chupaana lagta hai..

loosely translated - its getting tough to hide the tears..


i miss mw.

humans were born to shop! this is why they were placed upon this earth. one fine morning, the creator said, “let there be people – and let them have credit cards. and let there be online catalogues for those who cannot get to the malls.” you doubt this? then why are there so many retail outlets in every town centre? this is no haphazard accident of commerce – this is the divine will. isn’t it?

i hate shopping.

i really really really miss

what an amazing tribute.

le chaim: interesting reading.

he: you loved him a lot?

me: yes. absolutely and without limits/boundaries/ends. i can't seem to love any other way. maybe that is a mistake and i perhaps need to learn to love in a more limited way.. dont know

i am just here


not always

just sometimes

off and on

mostly off

sometimes on

but then, who cares?

do you?

dont know

never knew.

the mind's a very versatile tool. just as a claw hammer can extract nails as well as put them into walls, so can imagination be used to see through deception – as well as to create it. i usually know what i'm doing with a hammer.. but occasionally, i assume one process is taking place inside my head only to realise, belatedly, that it was actually another. there's a whole lot of doubt about what i'm seeing and thinking..

Roger Dodger - a must see.


he's finally back!


some events are 'once in a lifetime'. once they've happened, they've happened. there's no turning back the clock nor there is any pushing it forward in order to get a second chance. the south africa trip was one such event.

i used to take pride in my ability to learn from my mistakes. there i was, saying to myself, "once bitten, twice shy", striving to avoid repeating any course of action that had ever proven unsuccessful. now i follow a different creed, "if at first i dont succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again." at least, that's what i like to tell myself. actually, secretly, i often find my judgment being swayed towards mistake avoidance. i often fall for the persuasive nature of the notion.

did you know that Walmart is the number one company on the Fortune 500 list? with about $246 billion in turnover, it outran Ford, GM, GE and IBM! An Arkansas-based company outshining the biggies! cool.


i dont believe in this bullshit.. but it did bring a smile to my face:

Wednesday, 9th April 2003

(Aug 24 - Sep 23)

The fortune fairy has been working hard on your behalf. Everywhere you go, it seems she has got there before you and arranged some kind of unlikely surprise. Many people believe that when a person’s heart is full of compassion and sensitivity, the number of coincidences in their life will increase. That probably explains why you keep encountering such serendipity. But even saints cannot depend on this phenomenon. You are now hoping that “something will turn up.” Perhaps it will, perhaps it won’t. If you really want a result take the action necessary to ensure one.

this song from Queen of the Damned tears me apart:

Wayne Static of Static-X - Not Meant For Me

You think you're smart
You're not, it's plain to see
That you want me to follow
It's killing me let's see
You've got the gall
Come take it all

The jury is coming
Coming to tear me apart
All this bitching and moaning
Come on it's on

I'm trapped in this world
Lonely and fading
Heartbroke and waiting
For you to come
We are stuck in this world
That's not meant for me
For me

So what you got
One last shot
It seems to me
That you're not needed
Come on
It's killing me let's see
You got the gall
Come take it all

The jury is coming
coming to tear me apart
All this bitching and moaning
Come on it's on

I'm trapped in this world
Lonely and fading
Heartbroke and waiting
For you to come
We are stuck in this world
That's not meant for me
For me

I'm trapped in this world
Lonely and fading
Heartbroke and waiting
For you to come
We are stuck in this world
That's not meant for me
For me

I'm trapped in this world
Lonely and fading
Heartbroke and waiting
For you to come
We are stuck in this world
That's not meant for me

For me
For me


some things are truly beyond belief. i watch them happen with a mixture of awe and amazement. i keep re-running the tape in my mind hoping to make some sense of what i see and hear. and even thought the filing cabinet of the brain can easily digest and store the familiar, i think it has a great big difficulty with the unkown.. kinda like fear of the unknown. if the brain doesn't recognize something, it struggles to compare it to the nearest familiar thing, in the bargain making huge mistakes.

i often think i know what i don't know.. but sometimes i'm surprised.

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."0

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

have you ever watched an old video recording of yourself? know that strange feeling you get when you realise it must be you but you can hardly relate to what you are saying or wearing – or both? i sometimes experience something along those lines soon as i begin to see old experiences in a new light. there's almost a sense of embarrassment or awkwardness as a penny drops and a little light bulb begins to flicker on at the back of my mind. how could you have thought that? how could you have seen such and such a person in such and such a way? how could you have...


some people are now staring at their tv screens all day, watching the rolling news in a mesmerised daze. others are getting the merest occasional glimpse of the war. they notice a headline as they stroll past a news stand or catch a few words of the six o’clock bulletin. who can say which group is better informed? the propagandists are showing us only what they want us to see. even if it is not what we want to see at all.

lack of sleep creates confusion.

he: have you ever been wild? wicked? wanton? reckless?

me: *still licking that ice cream off the cone while ignoring the question*

he: so?

me: you tell me.

he: South Africa has changed you.. and i know why.

is there a particular reason why i have to be successful? triumph rarely has much to do with logic. its more of an emotional thing.. an atmospheric thing. a side-effect of faith. and faith never needs a reason, it merely needs a feeling.


often i kid myself that i've got some control over the world. i take action and i get results. and i therefore assume that there must be some connection between the two. but periodically, the universe sets out to remind me that the link is more fragile than i think. sometimes, i cause an effect – sometimes i just get an effect without doing anything to bring it about. i again wonder if the steering wheel of my life has anything whatsoever to do with the wheel..