happy birthday, rs.
i miss you terribly. please come back to me.


most of my friends tend to be among the digerati. i would love to be one of them too. and what am i doing to go that way? nothing.

digerati and me?


can any of us count the stars in the sky if we cannot even know how many of these there are how can we know anything about the world in which we live how can we be so sure about what its rules are and how it works even the most sophisticated amongst us are just innocents abroad strangers in a strange land doing all we can to act as if we know our way around just to reduce our sense of vulnerability.

how lost we are in a world we call our own.

i have one thing in common with people the whole world over - a fascination with explanation. an insatiable appetite for information. i want to know everything - and i will not rest until my quest for knowledge is complete. or will i? oddly enough, perhaps as a "shut off valve" to stop that restlessness from ruining my life, i have found a way to close my mind and refuse to interest in certain topics. which is fine - apart from when this stops me from learning what i sorely need to learn.

air and water are the most plentiful resources on our planet. air is (almost) everywhere. it disappears though, up on high mountains and down in deep caves. there's water all around us too - unless we happen to be in a desert. what then, can we absolutely always find, no matter where we go in this world?

that's easy.

we can find reasons.
reasons to worry, reasons to feel afraid
most abundant of all, reasons to argue with one another.
what are all these "reasons" worth?
Not a drop of water nor one breath of air.

i dont think there is anything wrong with the situation i face or with the environment i find myself in. if there appears to be an error, a mistake or a regrettable development, it can be arising for only one reason - so that i can identify the problem and then later on, fix it.
it is so hard to resist the urge to question my own judgement or to feel unhappy about what life is putting your through.

but i do feel now that i am in the right place at exactly the right time.

hey everyone!

i need some help!

i'm trying to put a visual basic project as an executable file on the web.. could someone give me ideas as to how to go about doing this?

please email and help this fool out!


i realized a lot of people are going through different crunches - financial, emotional, physical..

i'm going through them too.

mostly financial right now.. especially since i decided to just go to school instead of trying to juggle with both, school and job.

i wish i had a fairy godmother who'd grant me 3 wishes

1st wish - make more jobs available so that all my family/friends benefit.
2nd wish - give me a wad of money to last me long enough till i graduate.
3rd wish - give me back my friend.

is that a whole lot to ask?


i could have made $11 a share if i had bought these shares sometime ago!

darn darn darn!

my writings often embrangle people.

many find it hard to understand what i write and why i write what i write.

it's simple.

i put down my thoughts - in raw, uncensored form.

it is very hard to say what you're thinking.. but writing what you think is not as hard. it might depend on who reads your journals.. why they read it.. blah blah.

but this is my blog. i will write what i want to.

if you do end up reading my blog, maybe you'll learn something new.. or maybe you wont.

how does it matter?


ntense99: i think of many retarded things while i drive or am alone
ntense99: u know what a "tough guy nerd" would say to someone that is pissing him off ?
tscquasar: what?
ntense99: "dont try to overclock me muthafucker, you better lower your bus frequency with me, or imma get unstable on yo ass"

he cracks me up.

he he he.

i have the power to soar like an eagle.. but i do have the potential to sink like a stone.

but i also know that i'm sincere, determined and true to my heart.. so i will be safely raised to a very lofty height.

i know all my cards are aces..

and i'm going to play them - boldly, openly and confidently.

i'm still

thinking about a dream that i had


in awe

well, all that thinking has left me mentally fatigued and rendered me incapable of doing anything... to a point where i have started neglecting my studies.. my family.. my friends..


i want to make you mine.

all mine.



in love.


the .................vagina.............


as i grow, i seem to get even more enamoured by a certain kind of sensuality i evoke in my mind.

it's like having 'demolition man' style sex.

it's all in the mind.

thats just about the most shocking thing - your mind's in control.

accept it.

do we choose to have no choice when we say we have no choice?

life is full of choices.. one way or another.

you choose to exist.
you choose to be sagacious.
you choose to be stupid.
you choose not to help yourself.

the reason we say we have no choice is because deep down, we don't really want to choose. we want to take the safer option of self-pity. maybe we secretly like the idea of 'i have no choice'.

we run miles away.

that's what i think.


while other minds might have wishes
mine has a purpose.



in my heart.


"... to be or not to be.."

Shakespeare's soliloquy debates the way that life can sometimes seem so painful as to be pointless. none of us lead lives that are completely free of doubt, difficulty and sometimes, even despair.. is that why we so keenly distract ourselves with dumb jokes, inane conversations, petty complaints?

WDMcon 2001

are you going to be there?


a n d.......n o w.......a f t e r .......a l l .......t h e s e .......d a y s .......i .......s t i l l .......f i n d .......n o....... o n e....... a n d....... i .......a m .......s t i l l .......l o s t....... l o s t .......i n .......t h i s....... d e e p .......v o i d .......w i t h....... n o t .......e v e n .......a .......s i n g l e....... r a y .......o f .......h o p e....... t o .......l a t c h .......o n .......t o .......t h e r e .......i s .......n o .......n i g h t .......n o .......j a z z .......n o .......l i g h t....... n o .......g l u e .......n o .......g r a i n s .......o f .......s a n d .......n o .......b r e e z e .......a n d .......n o .......h i m .......o n l y....... h i s....... m e m o r i e s .......t o .......t h i n k .......a b o u t .......h i s....... f a c e .......i....... d o n t .......s e e....... e v e r y .......t i m e .......i .......c l o s e....... m y....... e y e s .......t h e n....... a g a i n .......i .......j u s t .......p i c t u r e .......t h e .......d a y .......w e .......w i l l .......c o m e .......f a c e .......t o .......f a c e .......a n d .......t h a t .......d a y .......w i l l .......b e....... t w i s t e d .......w i t h .......c h a r m i n g....... d i s d a i n

d a r n !

i thought i aced the exam.. or so i said.

well a 98/100 ain't bad.

i s i t ?

he he he :-)

sometimes it's just impossible to write

thoughts overflow

but refuse to be seen

times like these cause insomnia

don't you agree?

then again, i feel i'm fluttering high up in the skies..

attached to a pennant

then again, is it a cyn
to want to fly high?
to want to be as regale as a poodle
to want to be a NASA paul-star
to want a page full of yambiguity


what does a weirdo do now?


hey boy take a look at me
let me dirty up your mind..

..............-- Garbage.

i love garbage.


i think i aced my exam.


i know i aced it.

chiquitita tell me what's wrong
you are enchained by your own sorrow
in your eyes
there is no hope for tomorrow.

................-- ABBA

.. and my destination
makes it worth the while
pushing through the darkness
still another mile..

..............-- ABBA

this still is one of my favorite songs from ABBA (besides i have a dream, dancing queen, knowing me knowing you..and many more)

it should happen slow..

very very slowly...

so slow that you can count the time between each ticking second.

it should be slow.





right ascension: 8 hrs 40 mins
declination : 19 hrs 31 mins

come see me in retrograde..


a cosmic feedback loop squealing through the cosmic amplifier.


-/-/-/-/- something rather scary about-facing so many rich and enticing alternatives.

.. a little dazed



my world is going to be a better place to live in.


i began as a three-dimensional void in a higher-dimensional space.

can you see me now?

c'mon baby

do that thing

feels sooo good

let your body move


umm.. sensually inclined..

am i?

am sitting here, drenched in sweat that pours off my head though it doesnt
bleed away the thudding of blood that rushes in and demands something

i want some


//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/in a wooden cup.

what do you want?

prude (prd) n.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\One who is excessively concerned with being or appearing to be proper, modest, or righteous.

i'm on your side..

i cant hide

what i feel for you.

the whole night could have been spent in physical
proximity and the
exchange of superflous words ..

too bad you're not here.

standing in the cold wet wind.. fog engulfing..

very soothing.

as i said..

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\vicarious living.

> dont tempt me now missy...

anyone up for some vicarious living?

>you missed me, eh?

nope -- as if i will ever admit to that.

all words are essentially limited how can you ever describe the texture of a desire space constructed and inhabited but then all words are similarly limited for they destroy the very thought that demands the words the moment a word comes into existence to try and describe a thought thoughts are better left as nebulous clouds forming dissipating filtering them through a sieve of words is so pointless.

but then, how would i share a thought that screams the sentiment - i miss you.




you were made only for me.

yes, you were.

life is meaningless.

and death is inevitable


> "your dead body didn't feel the spade and the sewer like my live body felt
> the fire."

my heart belongs in domremy.

i feel your breath on my face
your body close to me
i can't look in your eyes
you're out of my league

just a fool to believe i'm anything you need..

you're like the wind..

>>but I promise... some day... we'll follow the 12-step program and smile... and

big promises you make....

ok then i will call you a doofus instead. better?

i miss that.

dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa dubba peepa

though i have changed since the thoughts left me... feeling humbled, a
little lost, a little quiet..


standing in front of an uncurtained window
i've been preparing for a struggle.

//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//come join me.

it's friday the 13th

and is it a full moon?

start howling anyways.

guy: how would you describe yourself?

me: a freak with a dream.

guy: i like freaks. they tend to think out of the box.

me: you assume too much.

walk a thousand miles
weep till the outer worlds are flooded
wait for an eternity


you are a fool to believe i have anything you need...


happiness is such a bland, waxy state of being....

i don't think there is ever ever a destination just a vague notion most times or so i think anyway and by no means have i reached any destinations infact i am bothered by how 'homogeneous' i have become in the last couple of years my paints forgotten and thoughts not quite there the solemn and sublime stretch my soul out for batik kneads rolls beats rolls kneads rolls beats rolls will they ever give up trying to stretch my soul to eternity dabbing it in colors unseen decking it like a bride walking down the aisle slitting it to reveal the redness.


as the winds tried to lay me to sleep.. i felt an upsurge of nausea.

i ran out into the wild..

only to be greeted by the wiles of nature

/howling winds_gigantic raindrops/blinding lightening_deafening thunder/

i ran back inside to the comfort of my bed of needles.

as i lay on my bed, each needle rupturing the skin to let blood taste freedom..

i thought of the world.

and i thought of the parallel universe.

and i thought of insomniae

somewhere deep inside me are thoughts that i want you to know

feelings i want to express

how would i write then?

weird mood.

call me a freak.


reading tammy's site led me into the world of see which kind of a dog you are!

and whoo hoo! here are the results!

Foolmaker, you're a Pug!

No bones about it, you're an intelligent, playful Pug. Witty and charming, you're a lot of dog wrapped in a small package. People just love you — a wonderful approachability and sense of humor put you at the top of everyone's list. And because you're smart and quick-witted, you attract a crowd wherever you go. (Have you ever considered running for office or starting a company? You've got the charisma for either.) But that doesn't mean you can't be a little naughty or mischievous when opportunity knocks — you've definitely got a nose for fun! A happy, optimistic breed, you're admired and respected by all. Woof!


well, then again, that's not me at this hour.. i'm more like a sulking pug probably.

i did notice my spirits are starting to soar again. i'm all chirpy and excited about life. i know things are going to get better!

:-p to all those people who diss me.. who aggravate me.

there's nothing that can bog me down now! :-)

muah muah to all my friends who've stood by me in my trying times..

i can just about feel the adrenalin rushing to ever single cell in my body!

i may not have had the easiest of weekends.. but it has definitely cleared up a lot of things for me.

i know what's going on in my life.. and i now know where i need to head next.

i should do myself a favor and dump the daft idea.. and reduce the amount of stress!

i tend to forget and try and extract blood from stone.. i try and turn back a tide..

gosh. why do i have to try something of an impossible nature? why can't i just be normal and do my routine?

but then again, normal is boring
anything ordinary is boring

people say i should work with what's real and what's possible. (that might not be what most attracts me.. but it might be best for me)..

what would anybody but me know what's best for me?

and plus, do successful people think like that? is that how they realize their dreams?
by working with what's real and possible?


how dumb!

if successful people didn't think out of the box.. didn't think of parallel universes.. we'd still be in the stone age!

and i want to be successful.


so i'm going to do what it takes to get there..

i've had enough bullshit about people thinking i'm a dud.. or underestimating my abilities..

they haven't seen what i can do.. and when i start working my life out..

i'll set them all agape!

c'mon i'm not greedy or materialistic in the sense i don't want what's mine and what's yours..

i just want what i deserve. i just want the basics.. and if having certain amenities does make me happy.. who is anyone to point a finger at me and judge me!

don't you just hate hate hate it when someone bitches about you by calling you a materialistic gold digger etc etc etc

give me a break!

i'm working hard. and i'm slogging my ass off to work on getting closer to my dreams.. goals.. if you can't be happy for me.. then fuck off.

atleast i'm not begging.. or warming some guy's sheets to get my success..

i would never do that.. cuz then everything that i had wouldn't be mine to call! it would be that guy's..


i don't want that..

i want something that i could call my own.. something that i know the value of cuz i worked so hard to get it.

is it wrong to want power, success, some basic goodies for yourself cuz you deserve it?

is it wrong?

whoa! my horrorscope for today (04/09/01) turned out to be so damn true..

I used to read this crap for fun.. now i think i've started believing in it!!


what's a girl supposed to do then eh?

>> Do you have friends in high places? From an astrological point of view, there's no doubt about this. The planets themselves are benignly disposed towards you at the moment. They are clearly willing to use their influence to help you get somewhere. These though, are not the only influential allies you have access to. Either your friends or your friends' friends, or your friends' friends' friends are willing and able to help you over the next few days. Ask around. Make inquiries. Let others know what you need. You'll be surprised where assistance and support comes from.


Go Market Go!!

whoo hoo!

did you see the market today?

man, i'm telling you.. this market's going to drive me crazy with it's roller coaster rides!

but i'm definitely happy that its up today.. maybe i can still hope for cisco people to call me back..


the howling winds took my soul away and jumped it to eternity.

my soulless body wanders the streets

with nowhere to go

no words to speak
no heart to feel
no eyes to see

no nothing.

this soulless body doesn't understand a word of what people are saying..
this soulless body doesn't realize that it's spewing venom

what should it do?


Never look back unless you plan on going that way.

-- unknown

and i was just telling someone the other day that they should not live in the past.
and i'm still living in the past.
it's just so hard not to look back.. not to leech on to the past.
i'm holding on to memories, words spoken, thoughts expressed in the past.
are they even worth thinking about?
that piece of my past is not positive for me.. is not teaching me something i don't already know..
that piece of my past is making me bitter, angry, cold..
uh oh negativity all around me.
bad for my mental health.
tres bad, right?


............ hurts







i look like a bum today.

swollen eyes.. dark circles..
a hurting forehead...
and a sprained ankle!

god, assholes can seriously create havoc in your life!

i don't know about tomorrow's horoscope.. but read mine for today! (it's shocking!)


Sometimes, our desire to take good care of the people we love and the things we care about can be unhealthy for us. We try too hard, we give more than we should and, in the process, we only stretch ourselves too far. Some lessons can only be learned 'the hard way'. If those lessons really 'must be learned', we have to stand at a distance while our companions are learning them. Be kind by all means this week but don't be too soft or sweet. There's a time and a place for conciliation and pacification. Right now, you need to be bold, inventive, strong and sure. Some thing has to change yet it really cannot do so properly until you assert yourself fully and properly. And if you hurt, it is advisable that you take a permanent vacation from the cause.

i predict my horoscope for tomorrow:

"...You have no idea how badly you need the change that is about to come to your life. From now on, you will see improvement after improvement - ....and it will become clear that you have started to make a set of exceedingly wise moves."


come to me for your horrorscope!

the old devil has become truly diabolical.

so, i have to move on in the best possible way for the best possible reasons towards the best possible future.


not all my friends are true friends but those who are, are special indeed. and those who claim to be true friends are not worthy of my energy, time and love. i will weed out the rubbish. and will look at what's potentially brilliant and polish it till it shines. why should i stumble along in the half darkness when there is a light switch within reach?

and if i can't see what i need to see, i will seek a way to see it.


as i drove from school yesterday, i felt the need to breathe fresh air...

i drive thru inner country roads.. fields on either sides.. barns.. stables..

horses, cows grazing.. hog farm stenches.. huge pheasant birds pecking..

there's a stretch of road with trees on either side.. evergreens.. and others..

two sparrows swoop down close to the ground.. one following the other.

i pulled up to the side of the road.

and just made myself comfortable under this one tree that had buds blooming in pairs.. leaves unfurling in pairs..

saw two tiny grasshoppers.. rubbing their legs..
saw two roaches scurrying down this little hole..
saw two fat squirrels chasing each other up and down the tree i was leaning against.. and
saw two crows perched on the branch of that tree.

it almost seemed like noah's arc again.

spring was in the air..

the air was moisture laden..
and misty..
and tantalizingly chilly..
and romantic..

everything was yellow, green, red..
and happy..
except me.

how hard is it to be happy?
not too hard right?

then why don't i feel happy?

my heart was alone.
longing for another one to join me.

but that heart seems too far away..
and doesn't seem to reciprocate..


but my heart still yearns for that sense of mysterious seduction of the mind.
my heart misses that seduction.

will my heart ever feel that sense of belonging?
(even though it lasted briefly.. leaving my heart yearning for more..)

will i ever be with
with me

maybe not.

maybe never.

An Overview for VIRGO for the year 2001:

The influence of a kind, supportive person will ensure that 2001 begins in a rather delightful way. You have not been having an especially easy time of late. You have begun to feel isolated and estranged, unappreciated and beleaguered. In typical Virgo style, you have suffered all this in stoical silence. You have refused to give yourself permission to feel even slightly sorry for yourself. Inwardly though, you have been getting rather low and listless. You will start to feel very different soon. Your astrological outlook in the year ahead, promises a large quantity of all that has lately been in frustratingly short supply. True, reliable friendship. Genuine, meaningful relationship. Actual, tangible success.

In October of the coming year, there will be a development that lifts your spirits to previously unimagined heights. It won't just 'fulfil' your dream of a better future, it will surpass that expectation. Events from then on will effectively cause you to become a different person; a much more confident character than you have ever been before. Events prior to October will all, somehow, be part of an unfolding success story that may prove a little tense at times, but will nonetheless consistently take you ever closer to a marvellous destination.

reading the whole prediction in detail (not shown here) actually saw a tear rolling down my cheek.

i have been stoic about life-altering situations in these past months. the new year brought me nothing but situations i thought i couldn't fight against. but i did.

As you become more philosophical, accepting and tolerant, you will also become a much easier person to be with. Others will sense this and it will enhance their desire to be with you. Thus you will become more attractive. Then, because, once a person is attractive to one person, they become instantly attractive to many more, it will mean you end up receiving a lot of "offers and invitations."

heh. i don't know about the attractive part.. but yes, i find myself searching for something inside of me.. searching for that spark that will lead me to sucess..
i also realized i've accepted a lot of situations i really can't wiggle my way out of.. and i've become a tad bit more patient.

all i have to learn is to control my temper.

a vile temper, at that.

Your astrological outlook in the year ahead, promises a large quantity of all that has lately been in frustratingly short supply. True, reliable friendship. Genuine, meaningful relationship. Actual, tangible success.

i don't really care about the friendships and relationships.. as i know i have good people around me. people who love and care no matter what..

but yes. i definitely want to see some of that Actual, tangible success.

woke up at 8 on a saturday morning! whoa!
that's probably the earliest i've seen in a long long time.. :-)
thought i'd help ma with some qa'ing at her job.. since it's crunch time out there.. and an extra hand wouldn't hurt.

i almost forgot how much i love working.

yes i'm a workaholic.


i was just thinking..within every human heart there exists a permanent, broadband link to the universe.

if only we were to look within, openly and sincerely, we'd find the solution to any problem... or, at least, a glimpse that will lead us to such a solution.

one of the things i constantly learn in class is that technology is getting smarter by the day... and that there might start this mass dehumanization of jobs etc..

technology may be smart but nature is smarter!

and what i did today was.. to just download a little wisdom from the wonderful well within.

it does work!

(maybe i'm freaking out!)

when this moon is full..
it does shine the spotlight on my soul.

my soul puts up a performance i've never seen before.

the spring in it's gait
the laughter i can hear
the genuine joy i feel

my soul does give a beautiful performance
when the moon is full...


the sun spits fire on me does it the glare is hard to bear the heat is hard to bear the magnetizing of the threads of my heart that stretch tear like the ligaments and burn the solar waves that engulf my being burning it to black ashes for the wound burns like no other burn would someone i call my own set afire my wound then so be it for i disown in disgust in shame in raw being in unbroken lines in dark spaces that scream and leap into unconsciousness.

for i don't exist.

no i don't.


sometimes i feel life is one big confidence trick. all you have to have is confidence. this always does the trick. well, almost always. and i noticed it helps if you put your confidence in something worthy. i can go a very long way with faith in an empty idea but sooner or later, i will reach a dead end. if my vision though, has depth and meaning... if i continue to trust what i trust... i will definitely pave a path even from a dead end. there are times i may lack crucial resources, i may encounter awkward problems but i feel i have an asset that's priceless beyond measure...

and that's my willingness to put my heart and soul into a precious goal.

yes. i will pave a new path from a dead end.

its so hard to sum up the profundity, the intensity, the difficulty and yet also, the true magnificence of any current situation. it feels like i'm honouring an obligation and at the same time protecting someone vulnerable. while summoning great strength and great determination can be extremely positive - i'm definitely not finding any of this easy.

the things that keep me going are partly faith and partly fear. do i really know what else i can do? maybe not.. and now i really can't stop

i'm never going to give up on this cause that means so much to me.. i'm just waiting for a breakthrough... and i know there will be one soon.

some asshole! fucker at school.. scratched my new car so bad!

and he didn't have the decency to leave his information?!

may the guy never graduate and may his dick fall off!

and may he forever be remembered as the DICKLESS DROPOUT!


yayaya a tv production company offered me an internship that i might not be able to refuse!

if cisco doesn't work out this year... i'll definitely take them up on the offer!!!

esp since we'll be interviewing celebrities hehehehe

and i've always been interested in what goes on behind the cameras!!!

and my chance to take revenge!

sweet revenge!


words are weird things. i use them by the bucketful and yet i'm no where closer to clear communication.
then again, by one simple gesture (like a questioning frown) i can definitely speak volumes?

feelings are weird too. i often swim laps in the ocean of emotion and still feel out of touch with my own damn heart!
and then again, in states of calm unresponsiveness and certainty, i hear that tiny lil voice ..

phew. all that swimming has left me tired.

i feel like a million bucks!

i finally get to do what i want to.. and people are in awe of me.. amazed by my capabilities..

i hope this phase remains for a very very looonnnnggg time..

lemme bask in the glory of my victory.


uh huh.. men are full of bullshit!

he he he S & A got that.. see..

i now feel better.. and i will lay me to sleep.


whoa! whoa! my horrorscope for tomorrow:

Monday, 2nd April 2001

You may not realise it but you are remarkably well equipped. Among the resources you take for granted are some exceptional assets; ones that others would dearly love to have at their disposal. Admittedly, if you are unable to use these to your advantage, there's nothing so enviable about your situation. But there's certainly nothing pitiable about it. It's time to take an inventory of your opportunities and then start seizing the best of these. Never mind what's not possible, look at what IS feasible... and your day will yet prove immensely magical and rewarding.

by golly! i'm off.. time to take an inventory ;-)

the heart pines







for whom?