i feel...

in the poker game of life, we all turn out to be big bluffers.

play out social roles.
follow protocols.
say and do what's expected of us.

this causes me to suspect...

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

its amazing
really
how dishevelled i can sometimes feel on the inside
whilst appearing to others to be perfectly fine.

even some of my most perceptive friends seem to be
blissfully unaware of the secret agonies that i'm now going through

i wont bother enlightening them

the best way to stabilise this internal volcano is not to talk about it
-- or tackle it --
but just to get on
with as much normal business as possible.

i will pretend all is ok for a while
and
i may yet realise
that actually
it is ok after all.

its all a matter of time, my friend.


x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

its one thing to be unhappy about something specific
another to be uncomfortable for a set of vague reasons that don't add up.

a part of me prefers to live in blissful ignorance than to confront a set of harsh realities

if my ignorance was truly blissful, it might be another story
but i am half aware of one thing
and i am half-imagining something else

it's almost unsatisfactory.