Astra inclinant, non necessitant

roughly translated, it means the heavens may cause your life to lean in a particular direction but they don't actually lean on you and force you to go all the way.

creativity is wonderful stuff.

it takes me into the territory i might otherwise never explore. it picks me up, turns me around, surprises me and inspires me.

i often speak of 'creative types' as if they were a world apart but even if i am not a writer or a designer, i know i was born to be creative. its a need within me, as powerful and as real as the need to sleep and eat.

so how, now, am i being creative?

where is the outlet for my imagination? am i conjuring up unnecessary fears just to keep the inventive side of my brain busy?

i need a vision that uplifts my soul.

sometimes

i have to use a process of trial and error in order to work out what makes me feel good – and bad.

i can have any number of theories or philosophies.

i can analyze and strategize until i am blue in the face. but reality is a very different thing.

i'm having a ‘learning experience’. and to my surprise i'm discovering that all is not as i once thought it would be. and that’s absofuckinglutely wonderful!

Your Birthdate: September 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you. It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy! You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around. But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long. Your strength: Your superstar charisma Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you Your power color: Fuchsia Your power symbol: Diamond Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

words describing my mood the past couple of days:

• cranky
  
• pissy
  
• angry
  
• annoyed
  
• irritable

and i refuse to sleep around to climb the corporate ladder. i'd rather beg on the streets.

BREAKING NEWS

Magnitude 7.7 earthquake reported in eastern Indonesia, U.S. Geological Survey says.

courtesy of cnn.com

ok. so i'm almost a dork!

include(‘lib/even.php’);
include(‘lib/db.php’);

$event=new Event( );
$dbh=new Db( );

# What?
$event->addTitle(“Bollywood Disco Night”);

# When?
$event->addEventDate(“26-Jan-2006”);
$event->addEventTime(“9:00:00”);

# Who?
$event->addPersonality(“DJ MadMan”)
$event->addPersonality(“DJ Dheela”)
$event->addPersonality(“DJ Mawali”)
$event->addPersonality(“DJ Foolmaker”)
$event->addPersonality(“DJ Slut”)

# Where?
$event->addVenue(“Canal Room”)
$event->addVenueAddress(“285 W. Broadway - - New York”)

$dbh->loadRows ($event);

ok i promise

i'll leave the office in the next 20 mins.

isn't it time..

i left work.

there are people actually waiting for me.. so we can have dinner together :)

he: You know what people never talk about anymore?

me: what?

he: Pussyfarts!

me: oh my god! my boy and i were talking about it just two days ago.

he: It's not my joke actually - that's how carlin opened his last show

me: oh

he: good icebreaker though

me: true

he: When I see a woman at a bar, I just belly up and start talking about pussyfarts

me: right! you don't actually do that do you?

he: no. I can barely open my mouth to a good looking woman without slurring my speech like a thunderbird drunk

me: haha

he: I mean, when I met you - you probably said "hello" and I probably said
"bwha?"

me: yes you probably did.

he: My sister got the looks in the family - and she used them to marry a bald guy who's into animal husbandry

me: dude! that's so wrong in so many ways!

he: he's a good guy, but he's way too popular with his pets

me: hey i'm popular with my pets too :-P

he: all pussies think the same :-)

he: sorry

me: WHOA!

he: If you had dogs, the joke would have been different, but that's all I had at the moment

he: Don't tell me you were offended - I mean we were just discussing pussyfarts 5 minutes ago

he: reminds me of something my 3rd grade teacher used to tell me

he: she was a cute little old lady

me: ?

he: she used to say "you show me a tropical fruit, and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala!"

he: actually I'm wrong, that was a guy from Harlem who told me that

me: you YOU! arrrrrrrrrrr

this guy should've been a stand-up comedian.. poor ass! he's stuck in IT.

me: want to hear something funny?

he: go ahead

me: so my friends and i were sitting around on saturday evening prepping for dinner and we were discussing maturity levels among men and women the same age and one friend says "men age like fine wine.. women age like vegetables!"

he: ok that depends upon the woman

me: hehe

he: I'd bang Marg Helgenberger

he: OK - what older men would you nail? I'll figure some older women to nail

me: i'd nail pierce brosnan

he: He's not old

me: PUHLEEZE! he's old

me: robert redford, frank sinatra, anthony hopkins,

he: OK redford's old - he has bad skin

me: so he's still got charm

he: he wrinkled like a prune when he hit 50

he: Let's see - Jessica Tandy won't work because her teeth would keep slipping out, and she's dead anyway

he: If I said Winona Ryder and you called her an older woman I'd go berzerk - she's the same age as me

me: i'd bang winona too! she's HOT!

he: I'd give my left testicle for one hot night with her - but I'd have to sweep the apartment afterwards to make sure she didn't take anything

me: haha

me: wanna hear my curse dialogue i came up with!?!?!?!?!?

he: sure

me:
I'll tie jingle bells around my dick
and fuck your mother so hard
your dad will think
santa's in town!

he: love it!

me: (its kind of a translation from a hindi curse dialogue) its funnier in hindi ?

he: I didn't know there was a hindi santa claus

me: no

me: there's no santa! but i’m trying to equate it to a religious experience

he: ok older women, let me see

he: the world is, the world is as love and life are deep - maybe as his eyes are wide -- name that lyric

he: Can't say Gillian Anderson because she's only 2 years older than me - though she is sort of the nerd sex-kitten

me: heh

he: It's odd, because so many actresses portray women who are older than they are. Like Jill Hennessy - she's hot - and she plays older women - but she's only a year older than me.

me: hmm

he: And that's a maturity thing - because guys come across like punks until they hit 40

he: Women are always very mature from 21 on

he: Women carry confidence much better than men - as a guy I can honestly say that we're just a bunch of little boys scared of the big bad world because we're afraid everyone will find out how small our penises are

me: hahahaha

he: Every morning I wake up and think - today's gonna suck! Then I look down my pants and say - "well it least you're still here"

me: hahahahaha

he: Now, none of this is to say that I approve of the last 20 years of attacking everything male - I mean this continued pussification of the american ethos is killing society

he: Eva LaRue - she's on CSI: Miami - she's older than me. I'd nail her.

he: Emily Procter ain't doin' to great though - her forehead has more wrinkles than my nut sack

he: ok, that was a little graphic

me: eww. tmi

some people are born annoying

other people gradually learn how to be irritating
and
others just make natural scapegoats.

he: you can never tell what's attainable until you attempt to attain it!

he: somebody really loves you. you really love somebody. are we talking about the same somebody in both cases?

me: not upto me to reveal. upto you to figure it out :-p

he: hey! i'm not figuring out anything.

me: its casual. no love business.

he: in the end, love is love. if its sincere, unconditional and non-judgemental, it lights the life of the giver and the receiver, regardless of the official status of the relationship between you guys!

me: whatever. i don't like to complicate things.

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned
that there was in me an invincible summer."

-Albert Camus

its 12:55am

and i'm still at work.

awesome.

i need to get me some action after work.

càit’ a bheil sibh?

my favorite joke: Tendjewberrymud

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

money is amazing stuff.

no matter how it comes to me - or how carefully I try to hold on to it, events conspire to drain my purse dry.

enthusiasm often seems to obey the same law.

each morning, i wake up ready to go out into the world and do what must be done. by evening, i feel weary and empty.

tolerance too, seems to be taken from me as fast as i try to create it.

and my life, right now, is demanding all i’ve got.

Why can't every moment be a magic moment?

what have I done?
what have I said?

like someone waking up in the morning after a wild night out, i’m trying to piece together events and developments..

as it all slowly comes back to me, i wonder if i’ve gone too far.

have i put myself in an unsustainable position?

as i look at my current situation in life with less passion and more pragmatism, i’m seeing things differently.

but only a little differently.

yaaaawwwwwn

me: my hand is really tired. may i borrow yours to masturbate? hahahahah

he: no, but you can borrow something else :-)

me: *rolls eyes* oh god

me: brb

he: why did you leave? did my comment disgust you?

me: i didn't know you use a dildo! hahaha

he: now I'm offended!

an excerpt from Robert Ludlum’s The Holcroft Covenant

Buyer beware, there is nothing but a body for you to take; my thoughts are mine; you’ll share none of them.

the whole night could have been spent in physical proximity and the exchange of superflous words.
too bad you are not here.

since life is meaningless
and
death is inevitable.
but is anyone up for some vicarious living?

i think not

and yes,
i think not because my heart belongs in domremy.

though i have changed since the thoughts left me,
i am feeling humbled.

a little lost..
a little quiet..

peering out of an uncurtained window.
i have been preparing for a battle with my emotions..
my past.

i walked a thousand miles
wept till the outer worlds were flooded.

i will wait till an eternity but i am a fool to believe

i have anything you need.

somewhere deep inside me
are thoughts i want you to know..
feelings i want to express..
share my parallel universes..
but no words to speak
no heart to feel
no eyes to see.

all i have is
a mouth that can spew venom
and that is not how i want to live my life.

will my soul ever learn?

even after a thousand hurts
swollen eyes
dark circles
greet the mirror every morning..

a tear tries to wash away the dark.
does not succeed.

a heart that seems
too far away to reciprocate
to even a mysterious seduction
and no it is not stoic.
neither is it surrounded by dark spaces
where screams are black-holed.

does it still have faith on this empty idea?

i know not.

you have me caught in desire
for a verbal existence with
and without any meaning.

yearn
mourn
palpitate
breathe
scream
weep

for whom?

i know not.

again,

i was disappointed.

and that is because i set extremely high standards for myself. then i lead myself to believe that i'm very capable of getting the best because i deserve the best.

and that's when i get disappointed.

fuck

i've been sabotaging my own life.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Foolmaker!

1. A thimbleful of foolmaker would weigh over 100 million tons.
2. Foolmaker was first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom her name comes!
3. Foolmaker can last longer without water than a camel can!
4. The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten foolmaker.
5. Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw foolmaker into a volcano it would stop erupting!
6. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes dressed up as foolmaker!
7. About 100 people choke to death on foolmaker each year!
8. Foolmaker was declared extinct in 1902.
9. There are 336 dimples on foolmaker.
10. Foolmaker became extinct in England in 1486!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

me: i shut off your monitors! HAHAHAHAH *evil laugh*

he: you are so eeeeviiilll!!! i dont know what to do with you!

me: kick my butt? only if you can catch me! hahahah :-P

he: yeah, you are pretty slippery!

if at first you don't succeeed..

sulk!

professional salespeople

know all about the importance of the 'alternate close'.

they never say, 'would you like to buy our double-glazing/discount holiday/life assurance?' they say, 'our representative will be in your area tomorrow. would the morning or afternoon suit you better?'

if you ask a question that invites a 'no', it becomes much more likely that you will get one.

does that mean i take a leaf from their book if i want the right response to a proposition that i’m keen to put forward?

confusion prevails.

he: I know you are very busy, but I was just wondering if you could run a few errands for me this week?

me: umm..

he: You seem to be doing plenty on behalf of everybody else, so I'm sure you won't even notice an additional burden. Or will you?

me: hey! i never said no :) i’ll do it.

he : Oh God! *sigh*

me: what happened now? just tell me what you need me to do..

he: can you ever turn round and tell people to sort out their own problems?

me: umm.. that’s hard.. sometimes.

he: It's one thing to be helpful. It's another to be taken advantage of!

back

from a hiatus.

aliens spirit me away on a silver craft to a distant galaxy.
elephants rampage across my room.

i'm teetering near the edge
holding on by the skin of my teeth.

any moment now the whole damned thing is going to blow up in my face.

chaos erupts.
anarchy descends.

the universe,
as i know it,
will cease to be.

i won't exist.

stare all you like.

i have nothing to hide.

which is just as well really, because i wouldn't stand much chance of keeping it from you if i did.

he: You've inspired me to write a country song

me: huh? how did i do that now?

he: just a joke

me: phew! you had me worried there for a sec

he: It's called "She broke my bed and I broke her heart"

me: no way!

he: Yeah right, when I think about you, I think of redneck country music - NOT!

me: oh god! you’re funny!

he: you broke your bed!?

me: heh *blush*

he: I had no idea that you were so "vigorous"

me: umm first time in my life *blush*

he: I can see your guy coming into work with a cervical collar on his neck, people asking him what happened, and he says "I had a date last night...."

me: LOL :-D

he: You ought to put up a new "me" description on your blog

me: why?

he: "Sexually dominant, heavy drinking woman who likes to break beds"

me: what?!?

he: That would be pretty funny

he: Put up a quote like "any man who can't last 5 hours is a pussy!"

he: People will think you're some kind of predator

me: *rolls eyes*

compromise has become a dirty word.

it has an undesirable reputation. it has also become inextricably associated with sacrifice. i try to put aside my preconceptions and strive to be fair to myself - and to everyone else.

OMFG

i broke my new bed!

i am disconcerted

by my hiatuses of thought.

i know not what brings upon such a disease - yes, it is a disease that needs to be treated. the memory lapses are getting worse as the days go by.

what is to become of me?

the cold wind on my face stings.

at least I know I am alive.

he: rest would be a great idea you know

me: i know

me: but even in my sleep i dont sleep

he: i like that sentence

me: huh?

me: what sentence?

he: but even in my sleep i dont sleep

me: lol

i love that guy in red. :)

still sick.

sick as a dog. had a fever of 102 this morning. couldn't get out of bed.

m took care of me all of last night. again.

felt like i was going to hack up a lung or something.

and with two major deadlines looming.. i still have to come to work.

here’s what he did last night:

• came early from work to check on me.
  
• stayed by my bedside while I slept all evening.
  
• fell asleep next to me.
  
• yelled at me for making tea while he was sleeping. Said he should’ve been making tea.. as he’s not the one who’s ill.
  
• ordered dinner (good thai food). None of us were in a mood to cook.
  
• watched a movie with me.. on my new 51” Hitachi HDTV :)
  
• made me a vicks vapor steam thing-y because I was sniffing and coughing and sneezing.
  
• gave me medicines.
  
• gave me more food after my fever reduced.
  
• stayed up with me, cradled me, rocked me in his arms, spoke to me all night (as I had to go to work at 3am and wouldn’t sleep).
  
• fell asleep again when I went for my shower at 3am. i quietly walked out of my apartment. he must've been so damned tired taking care of a cranky me.
  

never has anyone (except my family) done so much for me.

i try on ideas

the way some women try on earrings.

good or bad? i know not.

at work

its going to be like this for the next month or so atleast.

i wanted to say thanks to m for taking care of me all night. i'm not an easy person to deal with when i'm sick.

did a cat call 911?

happy new year.