my heart put on the skechers and dashed way far ahead in time..
but my feet are still firmly planted on the ground.
even though my heart and my head bid me say farewell...
i will most definitely stand my ground.

my honor
my unspoken promise
my word

against my whole life.


and even though some of you cannot fathom the concept..

i can throw away my whole life to the winds..

all for.. yes..
my honor
my unspoken promise
my word .

what is love?

the ever elusive answer.. (in my humble opinion)

love is a behavior.

love is how your loved one treats you and how you treat him/her in return (hopefully positive)

love is that need you feel.. you want to take care of someone.

that's what it is..in a nutshell..

BUT

just because i know what it is doesnt mean that i necessarily promote it.

i'm one of those who feel its a complete waste of time, energy, effort.

and i'm supposed to be prim, proper, restrained and sensible.

what a joke!

aiyah!!!!

i woke up so fucking late today... woke up at 9:05 am

and my class starts at 10:15 am

and i have a drive of one hour!!!!

well, that's the reason i'm so dangerously hyper.

so stay away from me.

---------------------------------

can i tell you how fucking scared i am of math?

unimaginably scared.

and i'm majoring in astrophysics.

hahahah.

well when i'm doing pure math.. i dont seem to be able to think at all..

i just sweat like a horse.. and feel all weak.

but when it comes to applying calculus to physics..

i'm great.

no sweat.
no weakness.
no nothing.

weird eh?

my adivsor thinks i'm a freak that way.

but i know what happens..

my love and passion for physics helps me forget that i'm scared of math.

weird.

me: what the hell do you think i am?
he: freak.
me: what?!
he: you're a freak freak freak.

don't ask me what barmpot means.

i don't know.. i just made it up.

phew!

*wipes beads of perspiration off of brow*

that was a really close shave..

the universe is a crazy place full of barmpot people on mad missions to attain insane objectives why do we applaud our fellow humans when they deliberately endure an intensely uncomfortable experience for the sake of a sense of accomplishment so you lie on this invisible table while i saw you in half some magician eh and do i get fascinated by something just as vacuous never to be repeated offers conform a little should i when will i start paying the price for having all those ludicrously high standards and for reaching so determinedly for such distant dreams and should there come a rare harmonious link will i be exonerated some say i have been carrying too much lately and that i have had too much to cope with to struggle against to take responsibility for and to try to stay in control of results have been patchy progress has been slow do they know that impartiality is essential for objective judgement

no they dont.

tomorrow i have a long day ahead of me..

go to school
go grocery shopping
go get married
go back for one class
and come back home at 10 pm

phew.

i don't like being pessimistic.

so sad and so bitter.

that's just not me.

but i know i will never find that inner gold

i don't like being pessimistic.

so sad and so bitter.

that's just not me.

but i know i will never find that

am i feeling any stronger? any braver? any clearer?

i'm trying to feel it.

am i successful?

now that's the question to ask.

i'm far from successful.. far from answering those questions in the affirmative.

dreams are nothing more than wishes.
and a wish is nothing more than a dream.

i don't know exactly what it is that i really don't want until it actually turns up in my world.

love and cheese.

both are ever so versatile..

the only difference is that you can always get more of cheese whenever you want.

i seek inner gold. a heart that's full of joy and sunshine - no matter what happens around me.

but that inner gold is like chasing the treasure pot at the end of the rainbow.

Ostrich-itis:

-- the willingness to bury one's head in the sand and keep it there until all trouble has passed.

he he he.

i think i've got that right now.. except that there comes this hand.. and pulls my head out of the sand.. and makes me peek directly into troubles' eyes.

aiy yaiy yah.

elevators are essentially very dull devices
they go up..
they go down.
by pushing a button, i get to choose which.

what if i could get in one and select a country to visit or a decade to arrive in or a different body to occupy?!
of course, if i could, they wouldn't be elevators.
they would be teleports
or time machines
or bio dimensional transfer units.

but they would definitely be more interesting..

maybe i should be a tad bit more realistic about success.

friends are fine things.

far better than enemies.
although sometimes, our enemies can do us far more favors than our friends can. and sometimes too, our friends can cause us more problems than our enemies might ever envisage.

still, friendship, that's the thing.

success is another fine thing.
never mind the stress it creates. or the sense of isolation.
never mind too, the fact that failure teaches a more valuable lesson.
success is what we want.

i had such a long long day today (june 16th, 2001)

i woke up at 7:30 am.. cuz i had to take ma to the hospital for a mammogram.

but it turned out that the fucking bitch at the hospital screwed up her schedule.. and she wasn't there!

so.

anyways.. since i was already awake.. and couldn't sleep (i did try).. i continued reading eric segal's love story.

couldn't concentrate on that either..

i took my sybex ccna.. and started reading up on VLANs.

screw that.

i took a carpet brush (those small ones) and started cleaning every fucking inch of the carpet.

i was so HYPER.. thought might as well use it constructively.

by the time i finished one bedroom.. i was FATIGUED.

took a break.

didn't want to go back to the carpet cleaning business.

so.

did 15 stomach crunches at a stretch.. then did some weights.. then again 15 left-side crunches.. then some stretches.. then again 15 right-side crunches.. then some lower ab crunches.. then some push-ups..

and some more crunches.

wtf?

i still felt my heart racing.

still felt it screaming and hounding for blood.

his blood.

the taste of his blood.

his touch.

a chilly breeze against my cheek.

his gaze.

pitch black.

his lips.

burning for mine.

am sitting here, drenched in sweat that pours off my head though it doesnt
bleed away the thudding of blood that rushes in and demands something
else...

i sit here naked, stripped to the flesh... sweat surrounded

did you ever know desire like this?

my mind wanders away from his lips, his gaze.

i ask:
did you love her a lot?

he replies:
yes. absolutely and without limits/boundaries/ends ... i can't seem to love
any other way... maybe that is a mistake and i perhaps need to learn to love
in a more limited way.... dont know

go away. don't come back here.


he turned and walked away.

he walked away so far that he blended with the pitch black of the surrounding night.

i think:
maybe i need to learn to love in a more limited way. yes that's what i need

i think back to what a friend said: "why do you crave approval so much?"

well, because of those innumerable times i was rejected. rejected by people who i called mine.

driving back here after the thought
i look out into the night and know
just know
when no one would want me
this night would want me
in its cloak of colorless dark
there is a corner for everything
endless and without edges
travelling or standstill
this night would want me.

he took my heart
and sailed away to unknown lands.

i walk down the aisle
pinning.

today is such a nice day.. and i have to go take an exam.

and i did get many compliments..

like" damn girl, you're so intelligent.. i didn't know"

haha

that's because i'm quiet.

as i said..

quietly confident.
subtly powerful.

that does describe me.

had the best time in school today..

and then went out for dinner with my friends..

nothing fancy.
just the next-door Chilis.

but we had so much fun.

and, as usual, hardly any women around..

so i ended up hogging all the attention!

he he he

can't help myself. :-)

washed down a whole huge chocolate devil's food cake with vanilla icecream and thick chocolate sauce with a corona.. and a huge presidente margarita.

at this rate.. i'm going to be the fattest ass in town!

like i care?

:-)

i was sad right..

i cried in the shower.

and then on my way to school.. i decided to go get a haircut.

more of a trim..

my hair's longer now.. almost there.. getting closer to the waist :-)

so i just wanted a trim..

she was good.

she massaged my scalp.. conditioned my hair well..

then styled it pretty good..

and gave me soft curls!!

whoo hoo

i never ever get curls..

this was my first time.

my hair is so straight that curls open up in a matter of minutes.

it's been about 2 hours.. and the curls are still there!

:-)

i was driving.. saw this cute guy.. winked at him.. he was surprised.
then this chica.. winked at her too.. she winked back.. and i was surprised!

hehehe.

show me some love.. world!

whoa!

today's a bright sunny morning..
and i'm all hyper and ready to go out..

but i can't.
until i complete that VB project.

blah.
life's a bitch.

i feel like going back to san fran..
driving down highway one..
in that cool lil camaro i had..

hmm..

lemme check out the fares to SF..

brb.

listening to the theme from love story.

my heart feels sad.

and that lump in my throat..
it gets hard to swallow.

i'm so fatigued.. in every sense.

dont i have final exams?

what the fuck am i doing taking all these tests then?

well.. they're a good laugh.. especially after all that C++ programming

hehehe.

Foolmaker, you're a Detective

The mysteries of man and nature stretch out before you, just waiting for your
inquisitive mind. In your undying quest for the truth, you're best at finding solutions to
complex problems. As a passionate and determined detective, you don't have time for
a deputy. It's just as well really, since you work best alone, perhaps pondering the
clues from your library or lab. You thrive on the problem-solving process, you could
trouble shoot for NASA, and you won't rest until the questions are answered. The
world could use a few more like you.

Who's like you:
Margaret Mead (famous American anthropologist)

Likely careers:
Detective, FBI agent, mathematician, philosopher, financial analyst, intelligence officer

Foolmaker, you're a Sports Car

Our global positioning device has got you pinpointed somewhere between glamorous
and racy. You're the fast, flashy Sports Car. We're thinking a BMW or even a Porsche
Boxster, with a luminous silver paint job. You are the prize earned after years of hard
work and strife. Envy can be seen in the eyes of every passer-by. There's no greater
satisfaction than watching their slack-jawed looks as you speed by, and feeling the
power as you lightly press that pedal. And just like your zippy car, you love to get from
one cool scene to the next at lightning speed. You truly represent life in the fast lane.
People are enthralled with your slick lifestyle and fantasize about someday owning
what you've got. Who could blame them? Your wheels have got all the options:
world-class engines, a stereo to die for, climate controls, navigation tools, and an
exterior so shiny they need sunglasses. You are made to drive the ultimate in automobiles.

quietly confident.
subtly powerful.

that should describe me.

McVeigh spent his final night in a
windowless 9-by-14-foot holding cell
adjacent to the death chamber. Prison
officials said his final meal was two
pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\-- cnn.com

hey. i love mint chocolate chip icream too.

he might be a monster. but i still feel sad to see life slipping away and death taking over. especially in the way his did.

sigh.

leaving my heart behind
he walks away.

a zombie i am.

no sleep since 3 nights.
for someone who needs atleast 7 hours of sleep.. i definitely am doing better than i thought i would.

why have i been awake?

oh you know.. the same old reason.

people.

nothing affects me in the way people do.

hurt.
love.
care.
hate.
want.
want more.
want even more.
not to be.
to be.
his.
leave?
nah.
want to?
yeah.
then?
dont ask.
eh?
bah.

yes i am a crazy freak.

a zombie.

astronomical bubbles
of
words unsaid
feelings unspoken
laughter unheard
hearts untouched

what is to become of me?

how weird is this!?

this guy has put together a screensaver using all my pics!

i have an admirer.

interesting.

me: i feel like telling someone something i've been feeling since the past few months
he: hit me
me: i dont know what it is... but i've noticed i've been feeling sad about something.. it hurts me like a stab through my heart.. but i cant pinpoint the reason
he: i'll try
me: just that sadness.. so sad that i can almost shut off and cry
he: I do know the feeling, but only you know why.
he: I dont cry anymore.
he: I only weep.
me: hm
me: so i'm not crazy then
me: for sometime i thought i was going crazy
he: nope
me: i guess its just a phase
he: At this age is where you get lot of suicides
he: because folk dont understand themselves
me: i dont
he: you do
he: you just have a lot to clear up while you grow up and the hormones calm down

i dont know a lot of things in life.. but i do know one thing.. i'm not a coward.. and suicide is something i wouldn't contemplate at all. period.

even if that sadness shreds my heart.

he: Im angry, sad, happy, grateful, irritated, wondering, ll -knowing, know-nothing, scared, confident....
he: sound familiar? :-)
me: yes it does
he: oh yah, frustrated too.. in so many wonderful ways :-)
he: The only time life truly sux....
he: is when you lose hope.
he: Otherwise, no matter how bad it gets - you can deal.
me: that's something i can relate to
me: losing all hope of doing things i want to do
me: i think i was kinda giving up on a lot of things
he: Eh. Ive had enough emotional disappointents in my life.. and been the cause of a few.. that Ive learned it all evens out
he: if you follow what you need, you get what you want.


is that true? will i truly get what i want if i follow what i need?

in my case, that's not truly correct.

but hey, what the heck? i'll still smile

:-)

did i just contradict myself?

how can i be a bitch and be a victim at the same time?

beats me?

i guess phases..

i'm a bitch.

and will i ever change?

probably not. not with all those dreams i have.

i did learn that sometimes you have to be a hard ass to get stuff done.

and i dont want people taking advantage of me.. ( like that's ever going to stop!)

and to be honest, i like being a bitch. i like having that evil tinge to my tone..

so sue me.

how long has it been since i updated?

a week?

well, lets just say my lazy ass went to sleep.

i have so many issues to resolve.. so many fears to conquer.. so many dreams to fulfill.. and so many kisses to give.

Issues:

1. trying to decide if i should take up an internship..
x-x-x-x-x-x- JDS Uniphase - in their optical networking dept.
x-x-x-x-x-x- CIBC World Markets - intern with the investment bankers.

or just study for the CCNA and take a few more classes and try and finish up my next may... so i can directly join Cisco..

hey, where did my issue number 2 disappear??

3. trying to get my ass to the gym. its so hard tho.

Fears:

1. swimming. i cant even step foot near the shallow area now. i still freak out at the thought of diving into a 10 feet deep pool.

2. taking those damned classes this summer.. they're so frightening. not that they're hard.. nothing's tough when you actually work.. but still i feel scared. my heart starts palpitating. man, do i glisten at the thought or what!?

Dreams:

1. flying. oh god! that's one dream i want to fulfill asap! i want to be that bird...

2. being appointed the CEO of Oni Systems. this will not happen in a hundred years. so it's better left as a motivational dream. Something i can look to for inspiration.

3. be a member of the Rutgers Cheerleading squad. ha! like that's going to happen in a million years! i dont look like one.. but i'm too much of a geek for them to even look at me. :-(
*sniff*
maybe i should trash this dream totally. cuz it makes me sad everytime i think of it.

Kisses

best left alone.

yesterday was swell!

s's friend was leaving to go back to tokyo (since he graduated from columbia business school).. we had a going-away get-together.

we trusted shu when he said that all should see the off-broadway BatBoy.

my my was it a fiasco or what!? des dozed off.. suraj was all fidgety.. and maroshi was in his own world.. shu was probably the only guy actually glued to the stage.. and this was his third time seeing this play!

the first act was not bad at all.. the second act was CHEESY.

so corny that i laughed at the height of corniness!

oh lord!

anyways after that we went to Bowlmor.
we had planned to bowl a few games.. instead, we ended up bowling a few sam adams down our oesophagus! (with a huge tomato basil pizza)

not one single game did we play.

just sat there for two hours, emptying pitcher after pitcher!

got bored.. then decided we were hungry for some more drinks.. besides sam adams..

debating which restaurant to go to.. indian, japanese, korean, thai.. blah blah

our next stop turned out to be TATANY52

ooo.. what a place. this was the second time i went there.. i just love it.

wanna know what we ate?

here's the long list of reccomended dishes:

SEAWEED SALAD
AVOCADO SALAD

TORI TATSUTA AGE Fried chicken Japanese style
KAKI FURAI Deep-fried oysters,served with tonkatsu sauce
TEMPURA MORIAWASE Mixed tempura (shrimp,whiting fish,vetgetables)
YAMAIMO Mountain potato
KAKI Oysters
KISU Silver whiting
CURRY Curry flavored. broth
NABEYAKI UDON Udon noodles w. seafood. chicken & veg. served in a casserole with egg
UNAGI KABAYAKI Broiled eel with eel sauce
GOMOKU ZOSUI With chicken, egg, shrimp, salmon & vegetables

Drinks:
KIRIN ICHIBAN
JIZAKE
ASAHI SUPER DRY (my favorite! i never had so much asahi in my life.. it was soo good)
GREEN TEA (or course!)

Desserts:
CREAM MITSUMAME Fruits and jelly with ice cream
CHOCOLATE PARFAIT
JAPANESE PUDDING (would that be flan?)
GREEN TEA ICE CREAM

after all that... and some karaoke.. we went back to maroshi's hotel room.. and opened up a few more sam adams.. some bacardi.. and a starbucks coffee..

lord! what was i thinking? i had so much.. i dont think i can eat for another whole week!

it was good tho.

soul food awright.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

--Mahatma Gandhi