i had such a long long day today (june 16th, 2001)

i woke up at 7:30 am.. cuz i had to take ma to the hospital for a mammogram.

but it turned out that the fucking bitch at the hospital screwed up her schedule.. and she wasn't there!

so.

anyways.. since i was already awake.. and couldn't sleep (i did try).. i continued reading eric segal's love story.

couldn't concentrate on that either..

i took my sybex ccna.. and started reading up on VLANs.

screw that.

i took a carpet brush (those small ones) and started cleaning every fucking inch of the carpet.

i was so HYPER.. thought might as well use it constructively.

by the time i finished one bedroom.. i was FATIGUED.

took a break.

didn't want to go back to the carpet cleaning business.

so.

did 15 stomach crunches at a stretch.. then did some weights.. then again 15 left-side crunches.. then some stretches.. then again 15 right-side crunches.. then some lower ab crunches.. then some push-ups..

and some more crunches.

wtf?

i still felt my heart racing.

still felt it screaming and hounding for blood.

his blood.

the taste of his blood.

his touch.

a chilly breeze against my cheek.

his gaze.

pitch black.

his lips.

burning for mine.

am sitting here, drenched in sweat that pours off my head though it doesnt
bleed away the thudding of blood that rushes in and demands something
else...

i sit here naked, stripped to the flesh... sweat surrounded

did you ever know desire like this?

my mind wanders away from his lips, his gaze.

i ask:
did you love her a lot?

he replies:
yes. absolutely and without limits/boundaries/ends ... i can't seem to love
any other way... maybe that is a mistake and i perhaps need to learn to love
in a more limited way.... dont know

go away. don't come back here.


he turned and walked away.

he walked away so far that he blended with the pitch black of the surrounding night.

i think:
maybe i need to learn to love in a more limited way. yes that's what i need

i think back to what a friend said: "why do you crave approval so much?"

well, because of those innumerable times i was rejected. rejected by people who i called mine.

driving back here after the thought
i look out into the night and know
just know
when no one would want me
this night would want me
in its cloak of colorless dark
there is a corner for everything
endless and without edges
travelling or standstill
this night would want me.