played basketball.. went to the beach.. and went clubbing every single night!

whoo hoo.

that's something i haven't done in a long long time..
tango salsa.. and just general gyrating :-) hahahah

and got my very deserving share of straight jack daniels.

oo.. i just love that whiskey.

and a friend got so drunk of everclear.. he passed out on the roof of his car.. (cuz he couldn't find his car keys!) lol

do you think i should put up pictures?

hehe well what's with the moving fingers business, you ask?

i drove 14 fucking hours to charleston! that's the deal!

god, it was pouring so hard! i couldn't see the car in front of me.. and i was driving at 70 he hehe

it's been so long since i've been to the south.. i forgot that the speed limit down there was 70 :-)

so when it was not raining.. i was driving at 95-110!

and my car is sooo good to me.. not an iota of trouble i love my car.

:-)

You possess a truly amazing power -- the power of thought.
Focus that thought and it can be a mighty force for positive change.


my horroscope does play games on me eh?

anyways, i'm back from that vacation/graduation in south carolina.

more details after i can move my fingers!

fuck that fat bastard of a professor that i have!

suspenders and shithole describes him awright!

i hand in my homework at 4:50 pm and he deducts 10 points for handing it in late.

wanna know what time it was due?

4:45 pm!

his soul is definitely going to burn in hell!

something i realized today:

you have to find happiness
happiness will not find you.

i'm off on a new adventure.
riding the wings of time.
with me
i carry
nothing but
...

sigh.

words sure do appear disappear reappear
just like sand dunes
that first prove a fight
then cloud my eyes
then lay a whole new path in front of me.

words!

one will never find a dearth of assholes in this world.

will one?

what's the point of doing a research paper?

so that i can learn as much as i can about something that interests me.

and shouldn't a professor encourage this attitude and behavior?

yeah right?

the prof's ego gets in the way.

people are researching about computer parts, cd-roms, eniac and the history of computers, dvd's and basic stuff..

and if i choose a topic like optical networking and the WDM technology, he goes ballistic!

oh well, what can i say?

maybe what i feel..

and i feel that the prof is threatened by me.

ha!

i like that.

i truly do like that.

Question: what do you call an intelligent man in America?

Answer: A TOURIST


hahaha well said steve!

:-)

whoo hoo!

i'm driving down to charleston, SC..

12 hours, 51 mins!

i think i can do it..

maybe i can.

:-)

stupidity is definitely my biggest turn off!

movie time!

4 movies in a row !!

tee hee

this is going to be good.

my fair lady, in antitrust, with the emperor's new groove, finding forrester

lost and lonely.. in a parallel world.
i see myself

is he there?
or am i all by myself again?

as i said
my wants are too far away to be mine.

i try and reach out
no one's really there

all i want is my want
which again will never be mine

my wants are too far away to be mine.

to what should i conform?

you want to hear about my day..

you'll regret you ever bitched about yours.

blah.

My horoscope for 05/18/01!

Virgo
(Aug 24 - Sep 23)
"...and as finally, their lips touched for the first time, a sense of electric tension pulsed through them. Slowly their passionate..." Oops. Sorry. I was reading a book. Its time for your forecast now isn't it. Hmmmm. Virgo. Let me think. A spot of romance perhaps? Er... well... I suppose nothing's impossible but I'd best not make that the focus of my forecast. Hmmm. Oh I know. Got it. There is no storybook romance in store this weekend. But then actually, that's only what you think you want. You're about to get what you really want. Believe me, that's better.

wish i did get this weekend my stars promise me of..

it's high time i got something like this.

but i definitely know i am not going to get what i really want.. my wants are too far away to be mine.

so here i am
interesting isn't it
got any idea about what i need to do next?
hmmm.
i think not

oh well
never mind
maybe something will turn up
er... um... whilst i am waiting
do you mind if I ask you a question?

it's just that, well, you know the situation that i currently find myself in...
...
um, how do i really feel about it?
no, no.
no special reason for asking.
but, er...
it almost looks from here as i am doing one thing and saying another.
i'm sure i'm not though, am i?
silly of me even to suggest it,
isn't it?

to worry because i don't seem to be making progress is understandable.
others can easily sympathise with this.
to worry though, because things are starting to work out well...
seems odd.
i feel edgy when i smell success
because
i suspect that i may be gaining it too easily.
either i am about to encounter a nasty surprise
or
i am about to experience a hollow victory.
problems, in my experience, lead to solutions.
but what do solutions lead to?
how about, "more solutions"?

.t.h.e.. t.r.u.t.h..h.u.r.t.s...

lies and illusions are far more comfortable.
is that why so many people take refuge in them?
and they often seem to do very well from pursuing such a policy of self-deception.
it can take years or even decades before reality catches up with a determined psychological escapologist.
when it does though, it definitely is not a pretty sight!
better a little bearable pain today than a lot of deep regret tomorrow.
and yes, tomorrow DOES come.
or at least, that kind of tomorrow does.
the tomorrow in which you rue
your honesty today is highly unlikely.

it's not as if i'm asking the universe to supply me with a private jet.
nor am i requesting a love story that's worthy of a moviemaker's attention. (wish i had one tho)
i dont even want the ability to leap tall buildings in single bound.
my objective is much more humble
and viable
why then, should it be turned down?
maybe what i need is not yet quite what i think that i want.

my heart keeps picking up feelings that i have not experienced for a while
and it is trying them on for size
and i allow this to continue
which leaves me feeling drained
but my heart has a purpose
it wants me to acknowledge my appreciation for all that is good in my world
it wants me to think about how much effort i so often go to on behalf of my problems
why must the negative factors in my life demand the bulk of my time and energy

then sometimes when i am fast asleep
i have a dream that is so vivid
it makes me feel sure i am wide awake
i can even see myself
in the dream
sitting up and saying
"thank god i am awake. what an odd dream that was"
or i may dream that i am pinching myself to see if i am dreaming
and scary part is that i can actually feel that pinch in the dream
so am i dreaming
or are they genuine
go for a run
have a hot drink
i must do whatever i need to reassure myself
then relax
though life right now may be reminiscent of some strange fantasy
it is real
and also
more importantly
it is good.

The knowledge of atmospheric v's is becoming important, since the flux ratio, v(mu)v(e), observed with the water cherenkov type -detector shows a significant deviation from the predicted value. The uncertainty in the calculation of atmospheric 's are mainly originated from the uncertainties of the flux of primary cosmic rays and hadronic interactions. The absolute value of the cosmic ray flux is rather difficult to determine and the uncertainty is estimated ~15%, although the spectrum shape and the relative fraction of chemical components are well determined in <~ 100 GeV. Since available experiments are limited, some properties of hadronic interactions, such as the production spectrum of secondary particles, are not well determined either.

blah blah blah

some interesting things happened at the Waldorf-Astoria.

walked in to register.. and felt multiple pairs of eyes looking at me..
some stares were warm
some were blatantly jealous
and some were appreciative

got my *badge* (she couldn't call it a name tag)..

so i was just in time to hear one of my favorite companies' CEO.

found a seat in the last row!
(d a r n)

not that i'm a first-bencher in school.

anyways lord! what an experience! what a personality.. what presence.. what a voice.. damn he's good.

i want to be like him.

at the end of the presentation, he answers the questions asked by the audience. then when almost everybody has left the hall..

i walk up to him
introduce myself
let him know i'm an undergrad
tell him i want to learn about the company, industry and technology
ask him his business card
(which he gave me almost instantly)
asked him for a copy of his presentation with the financials of the company
thanked him
walked away
without looking back.

left the place with my friend.. had some lunch.. drank some sparkling water.. (there was nothing else left).. and then grabbed some copies of the agenda.. and started walking towards the lobby to exit the hotel.

and who do we see?

the ceo. he was walking up the stairs and we were walking down.

he: hey gives me this great smile.. waves his hand while turning his head to look at me.

me: hey return that smile with equal enthusiasm.. and look straight into his eyes.

no no. i was not flirting with him because i respect his knowledge, his experience, his position.

i do not flirt with people i respect.

that's just not me.

i spent a good deal of today (5/9) at the Waldorf-Astoria.

spent a good deal of time being motivated and inspired at the Photonics Conference.

i must admit i didn't follow most of the stuff.. but yes i did come out a happier, wiser, and technically more exposed person ;-)

i did learn about the WDM's, the metropolitan networks, the optic advantage, blah blah blah.

can you say i'm going the geek way?

he he he

where has the first half of this year disappeared?

seems like it was just yesterday that i was all happy and excited.. and then, something stupid burst my bubble.

blah.

i was talking to joe..

me: i never thought looks and appearances really mattered to men.. but then i was wrong.. i misjudged him.. oh well life happens :-)

joe: then wha' happened?

me: nothing ever did happen we stopped writing/seeing/speaking to each other.. and i think i realized that i am a nice person when i'm myself.. if he doesnt like that.. that's his problem.. i like the way i am

joe: I figure everyone Ive been with I actually LIKED for one reason or another.. so why be mad forever?

me: that's true.. well he's mad at me..

joe: whadja do?

me: it's a real stupid reason...

joe: you got mad at something.. and? :-)

me: i didn't dress up in clothes he considered suitable for a brunch.. i wore what i was comfortable in.. and he didn't like that..

joe: and?

me: well after that brunch we never did talk a whole lot.. and one day we cut off completely.. end of story :-)

joe: well. that happens and if it happens it means it wasnt meant to be

joe: Oddly enough, it IS as simple as all that sometimes.

me: well we weren't having a relationship or anything.. it was a pure friendship.. cuz that's what we both wanted.. and i made it damn clear.. espcially after a few misunderstandings

joe: oy

me: cuz i truly have good memories of all the times we shared together
that 3pm coffee in the stinging sun with the chilly wind..
that lil pinch of salt in my milkshake that he sprinkled
those words of wisdom that put me on the right track..
blah blah blah
as long as they bring a smile to my face.. :-)

that's all that's important

now i'm all emotional.

d a r n .

woo hoo.

ma and i got a makeover.. for the first time.. at this cool salon!

oh lord there's so much i don't know... especially when it comes to makeup.

i'm zilch.

the only thing i use is powder and lipstick.

that's all i know to use.

but this lady did wonders today (I felt flattered with all those compliments i was receiving)..

we also realized a few things:

ma doesn't need makeup as it makes her skin look dull and old.. and also she's allergic to it..

i can do without makeup.. but a lil wouldn't hurt. he he he.. it flatters my skin.. and i'm not allergic!!

so ma ended up buying me the whole set!!

wow! i love ma.

and i wanted to do something special for her for mother's day.

all i can do is get her her favorite flower (a single stem) and say i love you.

:-)

i always get a manicure. a french one.

but for the first time, i got a pedicure. i usually do them at home.. but i haven't had time for myself in ages.

it felt so good.that soothing aloe lotion.. and those nimble vietnamese fingers massaging my legs.. felt almost close to bliss.

well, the reason for this special treatment is special.. seeing hugh martin tomorrow.. at the photonics conference.

damn them.

i'm going to lead that company someday.

he he he.

i'm just so impatient tho.. i want to achieve so much at my age.. people constantly pester me to slow down.

will i ever slow down?

probably not.

probably never.

though the circumstances of this day are far from perfect they are a minor concern when compared to the
overwhelming (positive) experience of being alive just living each day is such a big deal and getting out of bed is the worst chore to perform why dont you just give me some dishes to do the night before

heh.

i actually do like living.. there's so much to do. i'd die if i wasnt living. haha. actually my mind's kinda lost.. it wandered away. and now i dont know what i'm gonna do without it. of all the things i've lost this year, i sure do miss my mind the most.

oh i have a new big secret. and i've hid it from every single person except one.

all i need is about 4-5 months.. and then it'll be the unveling of a new new me!

heh :-)

Lust is the fire, love is the warmth. Put the two together and bask in it for life!

just fuck off, bastard.

you always think of yourself.

try once and live your life for others.

have you ever thought what i wanted?

what sparks it dude?

think. think if you are part of /intellgentia/.

heh.

as i have always said. i don't really need you.

the tech triumverate:
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*Microsoft IBM Cisco

what am i going to do?

i'm alone but not lonely.

paraphrasing a friend.

do you feel like that too?

this is one of my favorite poems.. i think i first read this poem when i was in 3rd grade..

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills
When all at once, I saw a crowd
A host of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze


Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way
They stretched in never ending line
Along the margin of a bay
Ten thousand, saw I at a glance
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance


The waves beside them danced, but they
Outdid the sparkling waves in glee
A poet could not but be gay
In such a yocund company
I gazed and gazed, but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought


For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils


by William Wordsworth

i can see you all so sad so quiet.

there was something in the air that night
the stars were bright
i was right there walking beside you
feeling a magical whirlwind of love so true
feeling that sand beneath my feet
and your hand caressing mine
sharing the silence of the seas
then came an eagle i love so much
he bade me to leave you and feel his touch
i, trying to resist temptation, look deep in your eyes
see the hurt but i yearn to fly
i leave.
wanting to turn back
and see you one last time
but the eagle
never let me turn back and see
he made me a whole new destiny.

guy with a puerto rican accent

guy: um. can we hook up sometime?

me: why?

guy: because computers are very important to me and you know a lot about computers. women generally don't know about computers. but you do. you would make a good girlfriend for me because i can then talk to you about computers.. unix, dhtml, xhtml, java, blah blah blah. ( i wasn't even listening to that bs..)

me <-- walking towards my pretty passat..

guy: well, you have nice taste in car too, mamie. i like cars too. cars and computers.

me<-- still walking.. and ignoring.

guy: you will be very happy being my girlfriend. you will like your life then. (yeah right!)

me <-- opening passenger door to dump my book bag.

guy: will you come out tomorrow night? i am free tomorrow.

me: (irked) no.

guy: why?

me: cuz your IQ test results came out negative.

guy: huh? you're too stupid for me. i don't understand what you say.


that was some crazy dude. just leave me the fuck alone. he just didn't get the point.
so sad.

fuck.

this asshole formatted my floppy that had my project that i had to submit right now!!!

and all he wanted to do was copy some files from me..

fuck him.

now i have to do the whole fucking project in 20 minutes or get an F.

wth!?

yes but what do i really really want everyone knows what i say i want but am i not being very emphatic and dont i sound most convincing but then there are some people who can really read me and know from that far away look in my eyes that this is not the full story i can fool a lot of people i can even fool myself but my heart knows that i am not entirely happy with a certain situation or with my declared plan for dealing with it sooner or later something will cause me to change tack but isn't the difference between success and failure simply a matter of being persistent

oh well.