she: Oh God! I feel like such a loser!! I'm a good-for-nothing loser! FUCK!! AAHH!

me: here. help yourself to some sympathy. its free. really. there's no obligation. and it is extended in all sincerity.

she: WTF!?!

me: i'd offer you some tea to go with it but i can't find a way to pour this online. yours is a hard life. your burden is a heavy one. you have to put up with a lot. there. now how do you feel? understood and supported? or indulged? could it be that the more you focus on your difficulties the worse you actually make them?

she: GOSH!!! when did you become such a bitch?!

me: the day you started using so many exclamations.