belated wishes go out to joey and cyn

"Everybody is looking for something."

even when i find what i'm looking for, i carry on hunting. i like looking. it amuses me. whenever i think i've found something, i become slightly unnerved. how long will it be before i find it was not quite what i wanted? right now, i'm looking for an inspiring discovery and an impressive attainment.

tomorrow is another day. or so i'm informed. but doesn't this come from the same people who say tomorrow never comes? my attitude towards tomorrow tends to differ according to how i feel about today. must i go back to the past and rescue something that has been abandoned? a dream, a hope, a commitment? i know i haven't outgrown it. maybe i'm now ready to start properly growing into it.

i'm dealing with big stuff now. powerful emotions. profound feelings. intense experiences. scary opportunities. i used to think that all these serious, unnerving thoughts were actually unhealthy. instead they're doing me a great deal of good. facing fears and conquering needless inhibitions. so, i'm going to keep asking awkward questions, continue dwelling on difficult ideas.

as if i dont have enough to test and try in my daily life.. i have my own weird imaginations to contend with. these definitely ensure that i can never fully rest and relax. there's always something to be anxious or nervous about. i'm perfectly capable of conjuring up negative associations no matter what the scenario. or of seeing a pessimistic possibility within it. worse, my imagination often insists it's not even talking to me!

haaaalp.

stare all you like. i have nothing to hide. which is just as well really, because i wouldn't stand much chance of keeping it from you if i did.

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

sometimes, i'm like a back-packer.. wandering around complaning about the amount i have to pay while looking (all the bloody time) for new items to pick up and start carrying. i say to myself, "ah! my load will be so much lighter once i carry this instead of that." but that's never the case of course. it finally dawned on me that there's only one way to reduce this damned burden: put less, not more, in the bag.

i rant. cuz i'm really really tired. and why?

well, i'm a volunteering in school for this international students fall semester orientation. and what do i do?

• help students know the monstrosity of a school they're going to attend.
  
• help them with getting their social security numbers
  
• verify legal status/travel documentation
  
• help register for classes
  
• help cope with the culture change/shock
  
• help make new friends
  
• help get housing (on and off campus)
  
• arrange for picnics and other social events
  
• make them feel welcome
  
• answer even the most obvious of questions
  
• prepare handouts to let them know about rutgers/new brunswick/shopping/transportation/etc
  
• make them aware of all the clubs/activities in school
  

the list is endless.. these were a few of the responsibilities we're assigned. but my main goal is to make them feel welcome. i remember being lost and lonely the first few days in that huge school. too many students.. too many classes.. too many friends to make.. too little support.. too far away from family. just remembering my first semester sends shudders down my spine. and i realized today that all the hard work i put in over the summer preparing for this orientation week is actually paying off. i've actually been able to help 99% of the new students with so many issues.. and it does feel good despite the 14-hour days.. the endless amount of stress and tension.. the fading of vocal chords. it all makes sense. it all comes together.

just being able to help someone makes me feel alive.

faster than a speeding bullet?
able to leap tall buildings at a single bound?
not bloody likely.!

there are no super-heroes left in my neighborhood!
arrgh.
they've all gone into semi-retirement.. taken up friggin knitting.

if the world needs to be saved, it had better look elsewhere.

dad is pakistani.
mom is half english half indian.

and what is he? a mutt.

some problems are sent to try me. others are designed to teach me, to stretch me and to help and inspire me. i sometimes think that there is no particular point or purpose to my predicament. i feel exasperated by my impediment. aggravated by a series of silly circumstances. what i need is a new source of energy and excitement unleashed in my life.

chess follows laws of impeccable logic. there are certain moves i can make and certain moves i can't. all of my options have consequences. these, plus the possibilities that they open up, and the reciprocal actions that can then be taken, are perfectly predictable. computers are very good at chess. some people say that life is not a game. others insist it is. even if it is, it is not a game of chess.

don't analyze. just enjoy it.

here's how to win any argument..

just shout really loudly.

or just keep repeating what you believe to be true and refuse to listen to any other point of view no matter how persuasive. do you think you can manage this? some people are terribly easily influenced. some are always more than willing to hear every side to every story. then there are some that don't like to win arguments, they like to win hearts - and that's a very different matter.

they say, "there's no place like home." but how do they know? they have never been to my place, have they ever been to yours? can a sense of belonging be quite so crucial to every single one of us when we are all so different in so many ways? apparently so. the need to feel safe is as primeval and paramount as the need to eat or sleep. which, of course, means that the satisfaction of satiating such a need, is powerful beyond all description.

dreamy eyes
yes that's what you have

i hide my sorrows, depression, fear behind a mask of strength. the first thing people notice is my strength. i always stand up and take charge when people around me start to fumble and break down. i do want to be there for my people.. i do want to give them all the support and encouragement in their time of need. but what about me? and what about the support, love, encouragement i need when i'm down? it's very wrong of me to expect that from people. why? for the simple reason that, in the past, i've never let them know that i'm weak too.. that i need them too. and i guess they've always assumed that nothing really troubles me and that i can handle every situation single handedly.

as i said, i hide myself behind this facade. its my fault.

me: does your friend attend york university?

he: yeah...he studies comp.sci there

me: he/she? i thought you said she earlier?

he: lol..he and i am a bit more sober now

me: hehe

he: me would be devastated to see a she wid a goatee

this guy is hilarious! from ferraris to she-goatees! he cracks me up!

a friend's words..

on my ride from kingston to T.O highway saw this ferrari 456 gt....which was cuttin every car in the road like a mofo. like a fine stripper shaking her booty and shoving aside all other ladies.

:)

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me - but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friend we know,
And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.

he: What is your best trait?

me: i never give up. never ever do. i'm very practical. there's a solution to EVERY problem.

me: i just never give up.

he: What is your best physical feature?

me: haha. is that a trick question?

me: now my turn.. ready?

- do you believe in vampires?
- do you believe 'its never too late'?
- do you believe in multiple universes?
- do you believe in karma?
- do you believe the moon's made of green cheese?

- do you like dancing?
- do you like silence?
- do you like strong women (i'm not talking about women's wwf)
- do you like animals? and snakes?
- do you like black?
- do you like weird people?
- do you like heights?

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.

Feel better?

a few days ago..

he: so is it true that people in india have elephants as pets? i mean, do you use the elephant as a ride?

me: *mockingly* oh yeah! its absofuckinglutely true!

he: whoo hoo! i knew it!

*at this point, i was quite irritated.. and frustrated*

me: yeah you see.. i have a porsche and a bmw in my garage.. but i prefered taking the elephant when i went to school.. or grocery shopping

he: whoa! neat! that's so cool!

me: *sarcastically* have you ever heard of the frog-in-the-well syndrome?

he: *still clueless* huh?

me: gaaah!



p.s. i dont really have a porsche or a bmw.. hehe.

your words do haunt me

what death row convicts order as their last meal..

handsome strangers. lucky windfalls. miracle cures.

you do the math.. :)

have you ever had one of those weeks? you know the type - where everything goes topsy turvy and you end up running round in circles getting nowhere. at such times, i forget that life can be any other way. i develop an expectation of disappointment and failure.

sometimes, life is an uphill struggle. i end up running as fast as i can just to stay in the same place. at other times, none of above apply. things start to go well for me and my progress becomes pleasingly smooth. i feel as if i'm being guided by some powerful inner radar system towards an inevitable destination.

something has to happen.

cry on my shoulders
die in my arms
resurrect with my kisses.
be my fool
my toy
my object
my lover
my whatever-you-want.
i'll be here
accommodating you;
just don’t expect me to feel anything for you.
you’re just a man
nothing but a man
on my bed
an eternal romantic
too afraid to see the facts of this life.
i’m a realist
a woman
maybe your escort in the dark.

look at my mirror
take my lipstick and smear it all over it
confess your pains
let it out while I stare
laugh
drink the wine
and
play with the crack you brought last night.
don’t be afraid
lipstick is removable
unlike those scars i see on your soul.
breath
let them out one by one
take your time
i wont leave
"I wont miss this show”
i’ll say.
i’ll be here waiting for you
if you ever come back from the cruise through your deep scars.

i’ll almost drink myself to death
while
watching you cry in front of my mirror
being miserable
nothing but a miserable man
going crazy
writing incomprehensible messages with
the fountain of your life
blood
you’ve broken my mirror
while listening to those beautiful cocaine and sex blues.
you’ll turn around;
you’ll laugh hysterically
and
then ill do the same
we’ll laugh together
and
like two lunatics in the dark
we’ll end up crying
the both of us.

we’ll cry on each others shoulders
we would die in each other’s arms
and
we’ll resurrect each other with our kisses.
we’ll be the devil’s devoted pair.
we’re just mortals
nothing
but mortals
on a sinful bed
eternal romantics
too afraid to face the facts of this life
too afraid that love
and
hate are knocking our doors
at the same time.

which one should we answer?

spending an entire journey confining my three dimensional body in a two dimensional space..

trees do not seek planning permission before they grow. birds do not clear a flight-path before they take off. rain does not request a licence before falling. it's quite amazing how many natural processes manage to occur without the intervention of the appropriate authorities. and there's no doubt, in time, we find some way to regulate them. but it's nice to know that in a world of conformity and regimentation, there is still some hope for spontaneity. am i doing the right thing or the wrong thing now?

can i wipe the slate clean and begin again?
can i put the past behind me?
can i make a resolution and keep it?
can i move on?
can i let go?

some people are born insensitive, some achieve insensitivity and others have ignorance thrust upon them. i know this is not the original quotation. i am dealing with several silly someones. if only i had a thick skin, a tough hide, an ability to let it all be like water off a duck's back, this would all be fine. but no matter how heartless, careless or callous the people around me may choose to be, i can summon no such quality. doesn't this make me vulnerable?

i can hold a hundred conversations.. ask as many people as i wish to. make as many emphatic statements as i care to. none of this will make me any wiser. i'm trying to understand an emotion with my intellect. almost like trying to taste an orange by holding it up to my ear. yes. maybe i'm using the wrong tool for the job.

some people just dont know love and respect.

55 Years of India's Independence

want to really help me work towards my dream?

do what you can for this cause..

wanna know what's # 1 on my birthday wishlist?

amazing or gorgeous.

*packs bags and takes the first flight to india!*

reason: i want to be where the action is!

Ponder Section

• isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  
• so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
  
• if 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
  
• if people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  
• if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  
• why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  

is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence?

of course not! it entirely depends on which side of the fence you happen to be sitting on! i have a terrible tendency to believe what i want to believe (i guess i'm not alone). i dont so much kid myself as con myself. i stare into the mirror until, by some process of wishful thinking, i have distorted the reflection. i embellish my identity and when the cold light of reason threatens to burst the bubble, i rapidly look the other way.

distorted, i am.

there are many things in this life that i dont understand.. maybe that's why i stick to anything that appears simple and straightforward. it doesn't matter whether i like it or not, if i can at least understand it. i can enjoy disapproving and complaining, safe in the knowledge that i know what i'm reacting to. but i feel the most rewarding experiences in life invariably come from an encounter with the new. i feel i'm entering vulnerable territory now.. my heart is being touched. my imagination is being inflamed. i so do want to run for cover.. but maybe i should just enjoy this valuable confusion.

maybe i will enjoy.

a funeral, i prepare for
a requiem to write
a heart to bury
when no one's in sight.

a murder to commit
a crime to create
a heart to kill
when everything's at stake.

with fatigue of shock
those eyes do stare
at the invisible knife
and its murderous glare.

it comes closer
weaving in and out
chasing my voice
though i can't shout.

menacing prancing
sweeping glancing
reeling curling
ritualistic dancing.

i see it coming
i stand still
accept the fact
was born to be killed.

all i asked
was a little tlc
respect, faith
and to be set free.

naive of me
thought i deserved it
forgot my life
wasn't really mine to lead.

but now its all over
i wont feel a thing
my life will end
even before it begins

my wishes, my dreams
turned into the knife
tugging shredding tearing
my heart out of life.

scared or scarred?
wont know till it ends
seppukku? maybe
i see the knife, it bends.

the knife is out
with shreds of flesh
blood oozing and pouring
in a frenzy, a mad rush.

no scream, no pleas
a silent death
all i want
is me put to rest.

how lost we are in a world we call our own. (scroll to the end of the page)

my words still haunt me.

who am i? what do i want?

i can't answer the latter until i've tackled the former.. trouble is that i'm so conscious of what i desire or i think i desire that i can no longer remember who i am when i am not needing anything.

do i make sense?

my head and my heart are in disagreement. so much so its difficult to believe that they both are in the same body. it basically boils down to these questions:
*should i or shouldn't i trust people?
*should i remain alert and on guard?
*should i relax, accept and let go?

woof! i'm so tired from the long, hot, humid, cranky day i've faced today.

i don't know what the hell was wrong with me.. despite all the injuries etc., i walked 25 streets and 3 whole avenues (from work to penn station)! i thought i'd catch the subway a few blocks away.. but ended up walking the whole deal.

as i got ready to cross 34th and 7th towards madison square garden, i noticed this noisy bunch of high school girls. maybe they were waiting for their school bus.. my tired mind ignores them and moves a few steps onto the road waiting for the sign to turn "walk". as i waited, this lady comes up to me and starts yelling.

lady: i told you girls to stand away from the path. why can't you girls, for once, stop giggling and start listening? get back in line and stand closer to the wall.

me: *confused* huh?

lady: aren't you in mr. williams' class?

me: *even more confused* huh?

me: listen lady, i don't know what you're talking about..

lady: oh ma'am. i'm so sorry. i sincerely apologize. i thought you were one of our girls. you just look like one of them..

right! the hot new york sun got to that lady's brain! me and look like one of those dumb kids?

i need change.
i need to reinvent myself.
changing the site layout didn't help..
now what must i change next?

*poem deleted* too personal.

need a bible on how to attract the opposite sex? yes? you may as well give up now. need something stronger? yes? then there's no hope for you, buddy!

many of my white american friends have this "thing" for asian women. i always wondered why.. was it because they're skinny? or was it because of the myth behind the oriental-sex-sutra (like kamasutra?)? i never did ask them why.. but now i think i have an inkling.

the world's longest domain name! hm.. i did notice a hyphen in there though..

lamborghini says:
a vampire riding away in a rossa modena..would she need to feed herself on the crimson life fluids of mortals anymore or the rossa ferrari be enough to quench her thirst exhilirating the senses of this denizen from the dark side

i dont exist says:
if she's me.. she'd want to have her cake and eat it too

lamborghini says:
lol..tht would even turn on Austin powers
would u like a ride in my Shaguar baby? loll

i dont exist says:
that was funnny!!!!!

too many changes to be made.. too late/early for me.

my signature red is missing!! any ideas where i could throw my blood red in??

my friends and i always talk about going on this backpacking trip to europe - england, france, italy, spain, etc etc. a few days in the swiss alps. just us friends - no significant others. but i don't think it has a high chance of actually happening.

i want to explore this world by myself.. see it with only my eyes.

back from a tiring/fun weekend at virginia - land of civil wars, battlefields, shenandoah, quantico and much more! my favorite's always been the shenandoah valley.

and oh! i forgot - it was so fucking hot!! 108 degrees F!!

there are very few people in this world who bring an instant smile to your face and a lump in your throat when you talk. very few people with whom you have that warm and fuzzy feeling about. I am glad that I have you in my life. I love my life more because of you

hubble hamburger anyone?

ok so i suck at writing mushy stuff!

whatcha gonna do??

s m i l e

s m i l e	close comfort heart crashes walls uprooted and thrown around minds spinning day fleeting feelings sought, failings down skin touches the air singed roars of summer washed over by silence wind in my face curls sway on his the sun looked out spying on stolen kisses

boy meets girl.
parents disapprove.
mix-up ensues.
all ends in tragedy.

there you go - Romeo and Juliet in a nutshell.

now then, why did Shakespeare have to use many words?