if i ever do have a kid.. and if my kid's a girl.. i'm naming her liezel. if its a boy, i'm naming him rahul.

end of story.

will i survive this night?

o lord,
please guide me, my hand and my mind (most of all) tomorrow..
and let me do well on that calc midterm
because my life depends on it.
i thank you for the wonderful professor
all i ask for now is to keep me awake the whole night

amen.

*phew*

i've been working so hard for this.
so many nights.
so many problems
so many example questions
so many pages of work.

will i do well?

that's to be seen

a month of tragedies.

a smile on the lips
oft clouds the wounds

i have so much to say.. i dont really know where to start.

i've been thinking about writing a letter
to this stranger
never met him
probably never will
but i've been having this urge
and i'm unable to curb it
so i might end up writing that letter now

i've been writing to that person in my mind
since yesterday
sharing random thoughts with that person
it was interesting
i was able to say things i would never ever say aloud
it definitely was interesting

and then i walked out of my class
and i wrote
"so, i often wonder what writing to a stranger would be like.. "
and then i wrote some more

and i was writing to that stranger
when i was driving
when i came home
when i was studying series and sequences
and even now

i decided i am going to put all those random thoughts on paper
(after the 15th tho.. cuz i have too much to do right now)
and then mail that letter

no fancy envelopes
no perfumed paper

just plain
and simple

does that sound good?

this world we live in is a weird one.

and i finally found what my dreamboat would look like.. hehehe :-p
maybe someday you can take a peek into my secret desires chamber.

sometimes i like to obssess over people. why?
because it serves as a good distraction/relaxation/whatchamacallit.
with a stressful life like this.. i have to HAVE something that's so silly.. that i actually dont have to think as such.

well i do think about my obssession..
and then i have to get creative
when i fantasize
and that's a form of relaxation
a really good one at that

..
incomplete thoughts
..

have a midterm in about two hours

..

I dont want to talk
about things we've gone through
though its hurting me
now its history
i played all my cards
and that's what you've done too
nothing more to say
no more ace to play
the winner takes it all
the loser's standing small
besides the victory
that's my destiny

i was in your arms
thinking i belong there
figured it made sense
building me a fence
building me a home
thinking i'd be strong there
but i was a fool
playing by the rules

the Gods may throw a dice
their minds as cold as ice
and someone way down here
loses someone dear
the winner takes it all
the loser has to fall
its all simple display
why should i complain

but tell me does she kiss
like i used to kiss you
does it feel the same
when she calls your name
somewhere deep inside
you must know i missed you
what what can i say
rules must be obeyed

i dont want to talk
if it makes you feel sad
and i understand
you've come to shake my hand
i apologize
if it makes you feel bad
seeing me so tense
no self-confidence
but you see!
the winner takes it all

someone way down here
loses someone dear
------------------ ABBA

Marriage is "intolerably sexist," ..
----------------------Jaclyn Geller.

and i agree.

I loved 'The Fast and the Furious".

having paul walker and vin diesel on the same frame

< cut>
< edit>
< aiyah>

one can only imagine what it does to me

note:
you will notice how confused the quasar mind actually is

lies.
how many can we live with?
and without?
truth.
how often do we distort it?
especially to get attention.
love.
how often do we tell our family/friends that we love them?
and we truly mean it.
hate.
people we hate might not be hate-worthy.
how often do we realize that?
sacrifice.
do we truly understand what "sacrifice" means?
or do we mould the meaning to suit our own needs/ego?
blabber.
how often do we blabber about everything, including ourselves without keeping in mind the people around us?
shouldn't we think and then talk?
silence.
how hard is it to not talk too much?
and feel the silence cleanse our mind and our soul.
indifference.
don't we act indifferent to most people's needs/feelings?
and hurt them, in the bargain.
happiness.
why do we seek it outside?
when it should actually come from within.
sadness.
why do we hold others responsible for our sad state?
when we are responsible, to a great extent, for our state of being.
situations.
don't we blame others for the situations we land ourselves in?
when, more oft than not, we put ourselves in such situations.
gratitude.
how often do we seek gratitude for the small things we do?
when we don't even acknowldge the helping hand(s) that come to our rescue ever so often.
privacy.
how often do we set aside time for ourselves?
and do we give others the space they deserve and need?
respect.
do we give due respect to ourselves?
and to others?
life.
see lies, truth, love, hate, sacrifice, blabber, silence, indifference, happiness, sadness, situations, gratitude, privacy, respect
and add all your personal views/experiences/thoughts.

conclusion.
aren't we considered the most complex creatures on earth?
and yet we are eternallly confused, living in complete chaos.

my world is very sad.

the morning rudely awakens my soul my eyes have stories better left untold i sit quiet and patiently i wait i feel the cracks in the walls isn't he coming high pitch noises silence of the mimes he told me he would come back then i waited for mr. phillips to come and get his iguana i bought the tie i had no shirt to wear it with the crack on my lip yearns to be soothed thought i heard the sounds of snowflakes that used to be music to my ears one day i was singing and playing we were all singing and playing i will think i will sing and play one day i will walk out of my house and walk my ghost fish and people would still think i am weird weird i am i will but one day when people see i boil my soul in tea will i still be weird everybody boils their soul in grapejuice i will boil it in tea remembered you like tea remembered you liked someone i will be happy one day when you return will you be happy i think not the beauty of a lady so becometh you walk away the cat sings the rhyme you sit in front of me awkward did i dream you up did i dream it all no that can't be true how else would i know the taste of your lips how else would i still remember the feel of your soft crescents agains my rough fingers did i lose you i wake up read the newspaper scramble those eggs iron that shirt smooth that crease buy odwalla's that is all i live for neighbor's out is he looking for his lost soul and i still have time to be sad

To every intellectual argument, there is an equally persuasive counter argument.

Shine
........-- by insomniae

The words were faint
On her lips,
Not yet in my ears.

I heard the whisper
Faint, like a breeze
I knew her voice.


It's difficult to wake
With your life torn
From your body, your soul.


I still hear the whisper
Lingering in the air
I still know her voice.


She said "Shine."
And left me,
Left my life.


Part of me died that day.
The day of the whisper
Fresh in my ears.


I will never forget
The beautiful word
Which sets me free.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

it is amazing!

"shine"

so this is what insomniacs do eh.. throw out such beautiful words.. for us to catch and revere.

as the morning unfurled
i stood by the window
peeking out
afraid someone might notice me

i wanted to be alone
all alone

sometimes i want that
and i like it too

to be alone

i saw this little sparrow swoop by
had a worm in his mouth
a baby was waiting somewhere

i saw the nest
the mother waiting with the child

a knot in my throat
i could hardly talk
a tear rolled down my cheek

a family.

will i have one too?
a question i asked myself often
an answer that i most often heard
maybe not
maybe never

i wanted a tempered life
tempered to my needs
i wanted an aura
that would protect me
i wanted to be looked after
i wanted to fly

i wanted to be loved
and i wanted to love

in the end, it all comes down to "i"

a sad serendipity

and this morning did unfurl
and it did turn to noon
it embarked on a journey
to greet the starry night

and how do i feel at the end?

i knew the end was near
an end to my dreams
and the joys that would fill my heart forever

an end to the happiness
that would make me quake from the shock

and now i live
oxymoron

i faced the end
and then i live

a life that was never meant to be.

two fucking exams in one day!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ok so now i'm officially screwed up

what the fuck was i thinking when i decided to take 12 credits this summer?!

crazy and freaky and me.

ok so i am a strong person - a very strong one.. in the sense that i can handle a lot of stress and not get stressed out

but this has been killing me!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i cant believe i'm being so dead about this stuff.. i'm actually crashing

aiyah.

what am i supposed to do?

ok ok i have to go study now.. it's 7:20 am.. and i woke up at 5:30 am..

and i slept at 2 am!

wtf?

oh btw, did i mention the courses?

calculus II, discrete structures, principles of database management and i'm learning some analytical physics and quantum mechanics on the side

howzzat?

these days
and all these long long nights

i know how i get through..

and does he?

maybe not

then there's that ray of hope i feel

then again there's nothing but a false alarm i'm blinded by

tears well up in my eyes
on the verge of flowing
and i gulp them down

i don't want to give up..

my heart cries out
the damp air chokes my heart

you're not here
the summer
the breeze
are of no use to me

the thunder looked me up
but washed my heart down
that smiling world of love was shattered

just a glimpse
just till i die
is all i ask

i bade the moon

and he walked away too.

umm.. this entry could have been written by me!

amazing.

how i feel all that.. and yet i don't even express it.

i know exactly what you feel when people ALWAYS expect you to be funny.. and smiling.

and yet when you need to be serious.. they RUN miles away!

there's so much more i want to say..

i share the same rage..
and can't seem to get my finger on the wound that's troubling me.

and just when i feel i'm ready to share my serious, troubled issues with the "friends", they disappear.

*poof*

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

would that be true?

the sun sears my heart apart
the moon cleans my wounds

what am i to think of this universe?

shiny aluminium
gleams a welcome
heat and fatigue
mask the anticipation
grey tarmacs
dull cement
contrast the vibrant
colors of the (bird)
shares the same experience
of peak hour on the GSP
except you're not in control
neon lights light up the path
but do you see them?
signs as incomprehensible
as my Discrete Structures class

Air this.. and Air that..
logically they are true
can't they find something new?

little bugs with 4 wheels
hover on the rough cement
a constant droning
sends throbs signals to my nerves
and my welcome gift is a headache

tall mechanical giraffes wave me goodbye
innumerable bridges form a moat-wall
atleast the sky sincerely welcomes!

tiny bumps that jolt are strewn
over the initial path

N13088
marks the big bird next to me
N13088 - with half a globe
but the message reads "worldwide"
confusion prevails

i feel the finality of this path
where will it take me?

and i was just writing delta x / delta y
(now i see one to the left of me)

who gets fined for spewing
litter on the pathway?
Midway? :-)

two in front of me
two to the right of me
are there two behind me too?

x-ray vision combined with super powers..
and i would have made two trips
around the world.. blah.

anticipation is mentally fatiguing
and i see a pretty combo
deep dark pink
dark grey
white
(an inverse delta with an N)
it served as a good distraction

what bothers me is
my growling tummy
no food in 20 hours can
make a stomach bark

are we next?
uh oh
i see a jumbo passing us on the right
isn't that against the rules?
then again, who plays by the rules!

tan shoes
grey slacks
white polo
is that a good combo?
hmm.. i wonder
and what's an Eaves beam?
hell, i don't know

i just wait in anticipation

now is it our turn?
6:26 pm
July 12th, 2001
a Thursday
and i'm not a big fan of thursdays

yipee yoo hoo!
it IS our turn
its amazing how those tiny little bumps
are magnified with speed
speed is amazing
i can't even wrrrite

... be back...

the sun hit me
right on the face
but i stared
right back at it
the coulds aren't bad though
one even rescued me from that bad sun

and i thought the tiny bumps (later magnified) were bad.
but all those layers of gases above the dull tarmacs are devils!
they mess with the ears
they mess with the stomach
d a r n
yet you cry for them when they're not around

i promised myself that i will be much
smoother than that jerk in control

ever poured water in a tub of sand?
the land below me is fading as fast

hey! he and i have the same newspaper..
break.

how ironic is it..
ironic and common
we slave away a good portion of our lives trying to find that one single person whom we could shower with all our "true love"
and it turns out that you dont end up with that person..
(even if that person may want you)..
how ironic and common

Virgo
Monday, 16th July 2001

...and the thing you desire, desires you. So trouble is inevitable!

the that i desire, finally desires me..

blah.
bullshit.
and definitely a lot of trouble.

:-/

so i have a story to tell:

girl
guy1
guy2

scene: at a party; specifically, at a dot-com party

guy2 introduces girl and guy1.

guy2: guy1, this is girl. girl, this is guy1.

:: guy1 stares in shock ::

girl shakes guy1's hand and says: how're you? charmed to meet you!

:: guy1 still stares in shock ::

guy2 looks weirdly at guy1 and quizzically at girl.

girl tells guy2: and i was in love with him.


*more to come*

psst: girl = ? guy1 = ?, guy2 = ?
you name them!

and he finally updated

it was good seeing him.. albeit a tad bit serious this time.

as to your question about feeling lonely..

yes that is how it feels to feel lonely.

i can't describe the feeling..

but i can definitely say this much: if you are asking that question, you're definitely feeling it.

it can be because of love or want or lust..

and not just of a person.

there are so many other things i love and want and lust..

like some respect or power or want of love.

you understand?

how did i miss this?

a deep dark black ray of sunshine...

a beautiful idea.. i like it.

a few drops on my parched lips would do me gallons of wonder

a deep dark black ray of sunshine.

knowing that there is atleast one person out there in this world who is better than me in every way -- that knowledge keeps me humble.

the object of the exercise is to make a name for yourself / to make those so called experts look stupid / to make you-know-who fall in love with you / to make you-know-who fall out of love with you / to make each moment as magical as possible by refusing to become bogged down by petty or selfish concerns.

phew.

what an exercise!

sometimes life breaks my heart

most times.

> I still haven't figured out why I'm telling you all this...

\like i said - perhaps it is easier not to ask the question rather than
attempt to answer it

i keep talking about waking up to new mornings.. all scared.. and nervous. is life meant to be lived like this? it's hard for me to understand what's going on.. why things happen the way they do. is it because i'm not mature enough or is it becase i prefer to be blind to situations? well, life's hard to describe.. and even more hard to go through each day. but people do live, right? why? why do people live life when they don't know why they have to go through life? why is someone labeled a coward when they don't want to go through something they don't have to? and the ironical part is that people go through life for the fear of being labeled a coward! now that's funny to me. I wouldn't care about what other people think about me and what i do with my life. my life's my own. no one's got a right to label me something that might not be me. if i don't feel like getting headaches everyday, i'm going to do something about it and no one should stop me because i know what's best for me. you cannot tell a person what to do.. how to act.. a person's born with certain qualities and has to hold on to those qualities to maintain his identity

talking to you today was a blessing in disguise.

it increased the hurt.. but it did inspire me.

and i'm glad we talked.

i succumb to this loneliness
and this sense of longing
i find shadows of tears in my eyes
and wounds rip my heart out

all the while, all of this

is eclipsed by my smile.

actually most of the poem mentioned below does reflect some of the sentiments i dive in these days.

was going through my old diary.. and found something i had written in the 6th grade --

There are some days...
when you're lonely...
looking beyond those trees...
for someone to come...
and someone to say...
there's never going to be another lonely day..
my love, I live each day for you...
it's hard to think of a life without you...
every moment of every day..
your smile, your face, takes my breath away...
and now is the time, I need you the most...
but I will not admit it...
it's hard for me to be away from you...
I will still not admit it...
that is my life...
my eyes will keep searching for you...
sigh!
this would never happen...
had I not met you!


how corny is that?!

>> go to sleep. wont you go to sleep now?

.. maybe now
.. or maybe never.

.. then again

.. who would care

.. if i sleep or wait

.. wait till gaia lays herself to rest

.. and if she did

.. would we ever meet?

"gracewater"

then there's more to it.

how long will the requiem continue?

my heart has to stop sometime.. it's not going to keep on going till the music's playing..
this does not happen.
it has to stop sometime.

and i haven't even learned how to live as yet..
it's like i've started building walls brick by brick..
i haven't figured out if i am doing that to keep myself in or to keep the world out.
either way i have to learn.

people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

and i do feel melancholic. sad?

and I woke up
walked out.. for the first time the sand hurt.

-----------the moon looked sad.
----as it sunk .. closer to the horizon.

was the moon drowning in his own tears?
( i felt sad.
--I remembered something
--then felt a tear

------I felt lost.

--and I'm still waiting..

i love ABBA.

many a time, i switch to my 70's attitude (or rather, lack of it)

can't help it.

because once that attitude disappears, i feel my age.. i feel bright and energetic

drop the farce, and you'll feel a true person :-)

once
we met as strangers
and bonded forever

then
we lost ourselves
in unknown territory

and
lost our hearts
to other people

and
i lost my soul
to the devil's wishes

and
now

all that remains
is
bits and pieces of you
and your smile

and
all that i think of
are your memories
and your smiles

and your
most adorable frown

all i have
are your memories

what do you have?

lol.. you see i was so immersed in calculus II that i wasn't sure if i was talking calculus or greek or ..

i'll differentiate your ass so bad.. you'll run to your momma, all crying for her to integrate it back.

so stay away.

foolmaker's menu

Today's Special
....an extremely angry femme served on a bowl of foul humor and wits topped with hot-tempered sauce *spicy* + .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... +Caution: please note that this dish is extremely spicy and not palatable by most people. foolmaker is not liable for any sort of allergy or extreme reactions.