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S. I. A. T. - Submissive Introvert Abstract Thinker

in short - MASTERMIND!

he he he that's me.

so beware of my scheming lil mind.

beware.

brrruuuhahahahahah

(hahahah scheming.. and me... hahahaa)

--
want to know who i am?



Click Here

heart of gold?

i'd never want one.

too cold too hard too deceiving

heart of gold?

i'd never ever want one.

Sun in Virgo
Moon in Aquarius

You are a pretty detached sort of person, and however much your romanticism and periodic emotionalism may seem to make you otherwise, you incline to be cold and self-sufficient at heart.

people don't realize it. i may smile, i may chuckle, i may act all interested many a time.. but in my heart, i'm in a different world..
cold? well i tend to act that way depending on the vibes i get from the person being subjected to.. but if you're my friend and i truly care for you.. there are a lot of times i'll act cold towards you. especially when i feel you're not doing a certain thing the right way (ie my way). i'm a virgo.

You view people in a rather calculating manner,

not really and not always. yes there are certain times when i do look at people that way. i may keep in touch with people for reasons that most people wouldn't understand. but such accquaintances are rare in my life (atleast at this point in time).

and are capable of hurting those who are fond of you by the ease with which you break human ties and follow your own inclination, whatever it may be.

hm. true. i do hurt the people i love. and that sucks. i just absolutely can't get rid of this habit of mine. so lord help me. as i have hurt too many loved ones in the past.

one in particular (though i don't know what i did.. sniff)

have a good, reasonable, scientifically accurate mind, and when you have worked something out to your satisfaction, you expect everyone else to understand your logic -which you may not go to the trouble of explaining.

ha! yes that's me awright!

the answer is so simple. it's screaming in your face. are you that dumb that you can't understand? you're not even worth explaining to. so forget it!

i'm not ashamed of my behavior.

This detachment and the apparently genial exterior that you present to the world make you a good doctor, nurse, social worker, hospital attendant, or teacher - any occupation where sympathy and understanding must be used but cannot be allowed to interfere with routine.

no kidding.

i can't teach for nuts. no patience.

i could be a good doctor. too many people have told me that. it's not even funny.

i supposedly have the healing touch (my gramma says that)

funny. maybe some day...

You are able to learn readily, through application and intuition.

true. one of my stronger points. teach me once and i'll probably remember it till i no longer cease to exist.

You are a somewhat suspicious person, critical and judicial, though tolerant enough of your own eccentricities.

somewhat?! nah. i'm pretty suspicious. if someone does something for me.. i'll think a 100 times - "why did he/she do it? what does he/she want? there's definitely something weird going on"
then again, that's me. too many people took advantage of me. i'm better off suspicious.

If you are cold, however, you are also stable and can be a bulwark of help in time of trouble, able to absorb the woes of others without being affected yourself.

people do come to me in times of trouble. that's the only time they come to me. i listen, i talk, i comfort and then i forget.

why tax my brain with other people's problems when i have so many of my own?

You are willing, rather than ardent or responsive, in romantic matters, and are likely to impress lovers with the idea that they don't really matter very much, which more likely than not is true.

hm? never felt like that.

You can take them or you can leave them alone.

i rarely take them. so when i do, i give him my everything. i have always been that way. i just can't leave him alone. he becomes a tad bit too much a part of me.

Since the physical impetus to love is not powerful in you, you're capable of leading a celibate life,

ha. people close to me can vouch for that. i don't care about anything physical. sexcetra so not me.

you're capable of substituting intellect and abstract idealisms for human companionship and love.

as i venture deeper into adulthood, i realize that i don't really feel the need for human companionship. i'm happier and better off alone. not lonely. but alone.

as for love, it's an extremely highly overrated feeling.

it's all antiquated victorian bullshit.

You have to watch out that in both business and personal life, a certain indifference doesn't get between you and progress or contentment.

not really applicable in my professional life.

nah.

sometimes its impossible to write.

these days i feel completely disengaged from everything...
like i am
enclosed in a sheet of glass through which
i see and hear only if i
strain to do so...

feels like i am just
repeating myself though... inside this case of glass
thoughts and sounds and words
just bounce back and forth...
nothing goes anywhere.

yes sometimes is impossible to write.

isn't success more a direction rather than a destination?

yes. i think it's a direction. why limit myself when i reach my destination. let me make it the right direction for me.

i think, therefore i am single.

wish i could think..

i'd still be single.

today, i took the time to concentrate. i put my mind through an
enjoyable, strenuous workout and felt the power as my
mental muscles grew ever stronger.

i took time to study.

quit being weird.

and go eat.

-- ha. holes (of any kind) always get people confused.

fuck you, crackhead.

an ultimatum.

pointless.

relationship.

the word is essentially limited.
how can you ever describe the texture of a desire space constructed and inhabited?

but then, all words are similarly limited,
for they destroy the very thought that demands the words the moment a word comes
into existence to try and describe a thought..

thoughts are better left as nebulous clouds...
forming
dissipating
filtering them through a sieve of words is so pointless

what are your thoughts on this?

i went and washed my car

that is relaxing

but i can be obsessive

compulsive obsessive

now that can't be good

or relaxing

or anything

anything relevant that is

but then, who cares?

do you?

dont know.

i will never know

you

will never know

me?

i am just here

sometimes

not always

just sometimes

off and on

mostly off

sometimes on

but then, who cares?

do you?

dont know

never knew.

may not care now.

braindead

Other people have their ideas about what you should be going and where you should be going. You though, have your own. Or, at least, it is to be hoped that you do. It's fine to feel inspired to make compromises on behalf of other people but it's dreadful to feel obliged to do this. The social and emotional pressure that you are coming under now should be not so much resisted as addressed. Talk to those who seem to think that you ought to be at their beck and call. You'll find a little explanation and discussion goes a long way.

sigh fine weirdo

> hear the church bells ringing... it's 10.. how does the church know it's
>10
> pm... who set "time"?

i did.

> my heart feels like the day has just begun... I belong to the dark.. not
> necessarily evil..
>
> the bells chime again.. suggesting 11..
> time just flies by... cliche but true... I've been sitting here.. in front
> of the computer... doing..umm.. nothing... and hear the chimes again
> indicating a whole wasted hour!
>
> then again, it wasn't wasted.. atleast I didn't think so... thinking about
> me as a person... as an entity... lost in this universe... that's
>important.
>

my heart belongs in domremy

> >|silver grey with everything that i could possibly get...

do you smile often?

and he did not answer.

do you wear glasses?

and he answered...

my dreams are lost.
are they then again?
or have they just moved?

alchemical diaspora

we're all weird

in our own wanton ways.

daisies
i was there

i did smile. will i see you again?

nothing to say when i die i would cease to know who i was and is he gone is all our friends say when i was a kid i had this bad bicycle accident i failed to handle a speed bump the earth greeted me by piercing an aluminium rod through my ego there was this deep deep gash in my thigh right down to the bone the pristine white looked so pure against the vividty of the red blood surrounding it this urge to touch that white purity was so overwhelming was it really there in my 22 years i can never say with false pride that i have touched that pristine white can you proclaim your achievement can you tell me something i dont know i have been living with these bones feeling them move within me feeling chills down to the bone how weird is it that i have never felt them never felt my own bones i wonder if they don't turn into something once the wound is closed is that pristine white just a disguise for something more daunting

color from my face bleeds onto my pillow how weird is that he came he saw he wandered he touched he caressed he hugged all with his eyes looking so forlorn wanting more than i can offer / all i can offer is four walls a floor a ceiling i knew i am still here lost in raw white space why cant they see how pretending ignorance innocence kneads my cells to a pulp happiness is a highly overrated phenomenon i have no more to give i have no more to ask the heart drowning in cocktails of stagnating norms dreading life and living yearning to reach out wanting to dial out to the world of desire throbs and thrusts

32 minutes of thinking 44 seconds of blinking beads of perspiration threaded by my soul hours and hours of mourning

bleed




a soul

-- / . ...and two worlds






leave
all dangling in delusional space.





born of emotions


.. // <>>>>>>>>>< not yet felt



i have you where i want you.
caught in desire
for a verbal existence
with and without any meaning.

jab chali thandi hawa
jab uthi kaali ghata
mujhko aye jaane wafa
tum yaad aaye

maybe there's something wrong with me..
but lemme know if i'm right or wrong..

i can't have just one important person in my life..

different people are important to me in different capacities.. some as friends.. one as my SO.. my ma.. and some indescribable relationships..

so what's there to get so fucking upset about?

tell someone the truth.. and they can't handle it.

talk about being straight with others.

ha! that's just bullshit.

Make the commitment to succeed in spite of the excuses,
rather than to fail because of them. There are plenty of
things to stop you. Go ahead and do it anyway.

oh no

not again will i lose another friend over a misunderstanding.

misunderstandings. why didn't shakespeare write about them?

or did he? and i misunderstood him?

i sit quiet and patiently i wait i feel the cracks in the walls isn't he coming high pitch noises silence of the mimes he told me he would come back then i waited for mr. phillips to come and get his iguana i bought the tie i had no shirt to wear it with the crack on my lip yearns to be soothed thought i heard the sounds of snowflakes that used to be music to my ears one day i was singing and playing we were all singing and playing i will think i will sing and play one day i will walk out of my house and walk my ghost fish and people would still think i am weird weird i am i will but one day when people see i boil my soul in tea will i still be weird everybody boils their soul in grapejuice i will boil it in tea remembered you like tea remembered you liked someone i will be happy one day when you return

your morning face exhales your night's passions
your bright big eyes reflect your wild emotions
your heaved crescent moons tell of a story so red
your lips so moist and delicious

did i dream you up did i dream it all no that can't be true how else would i know the taste of your lips how else would i still remember the feel of your soft crescents agains my rough fingers did i lose you i wake up read the newspaper scramble those eggs iron that shirt smooth that crease buy odwalla's that is all i live for neighbor's out is he looking for his lost soul and i still have time to be sad

massive headache..

more of a migraine.

slurp up some frontal lobes..

leave me stupid.

yes.

i definitely am going through a bad phase. all i need is a little crisis handling, a lil understanding. but i can't get that.

my life is in chaos.

i've hit the panic button.

it's an emergency situation a crisis situation

so lord help me.

as others refuse.

bah.

this is nothing.

hopefully i should get out of this one alive.

i've realized i can't make bulls do the cha-cha-cha..

i give up.

all i wanted was a little understanding in this extremely difficult phase that i'm going through.
ma was right.
i should stop expecting people to understand me.. to motivate me.. to encourage me.

but it's so hard not to expect. isn't it human nature to expect from loved ones?

and i'm definitely human. and i do expect.

and i get hurt.

so i will not allow myself to get hurt anymore.

i miss you, mon ami.

(you know it, right?)

common sense is so uncommon.

when i feel something, deeply and powerfully, it is impossible to ignore that feeling.
it becomes the only reality that i can respond to, relate to or recognise.

i simply can't even ask if this is how i have always felt or wonder how i will feel in the future.

i don't care.

The intensity of the moment is all. The above is equally true of pain as it is of joy, of hate as it is of love, of despair as it is of hope.

It is certainly true of what i feel now.

can i brush aside my experience? i can't.

yet somehow, for the sake of sanity, continuity, progress and personal integrity, i must strive for some sense of perspective.

aapko dekh kar, dekhta reh gaya,
kya kahu aur kehne ko kya reh gaya

wow that's some poetry in urdu/hindi.

i wish i could translate..

anyways, the fever refuses to leave me.. and i'm still ill..

a tad bit weak.

but i should be up and about by monday!

i read this book by zoltan kaparthy - anni's diary.

a biography that did touch my soul.

not because of it's style.. or vocabulary... (noticed far too many grammatical errors, punctuation errors.. etc)

but because of the subject - anni.

and her story.

and the fickle, unworthy laws that
rarely punish the criminals.
rarely protect the innocent.
rarely bring justice to the victim.

how sad can that be?

the world's worthy and advanced country having a unworthy, outdated and biased justice system.

may anni's soul rest in peace.

fresh blood does have a distinct odor.

it stinks.

no wonder bugs and vultures and all other animals are attracted to something oozing fresh blood.

bugs' thoughts, "yumm".

interesting.

did the moon drown in his own tears?

did the night wither away?

did i whisper a good bye?

these questions steal soothing slumber from my tired eyes..

may i lay me down now to get some eternal rest?

i'm still waiting.

The only limits you have are the limits you believe.

i can take care of myself.

even when i'm ill.

isn't that amazing now :-)

so from now on.. no depending on anyone.. got it, tish?

:-)

i just love this new found calm within me.

for the first time.. in years.. i had a day to myself.

it actually started out with getting me some fever-reducer..

there was none at home.

so i showered and dressed for the weather.. and thought i'd go to walgreens to get some.

just as i neared the station.. i decided to wander a tad bit further.

took the train to newport.. did some used book shopping.. and just stood and watched people laugh and smile.

they were happy.

caught a movie.. (wedding planner)

ate at blimpie's..

came back.

that sure did calm me down.

i'm hurt.

somebody once said, "you have so many people to fall back on (for support) in times of difficulty."

and that someone mean't my family.

how ironic is it that my family does not even care in my times of distress.

how fucking ironic is it?

i have so many apprehensions..

and i cant talk to my family.

i have so many fears and sorrows..

and i can't talk to my family.

i dont feel so good - in every way.

and i can't even run up and wail my heart out and say, "i don't feel so good :-("

now is that family?

prolly not.

i'm running a high fever..

and no one even cares.

and the person who gave birth to me doesn't even ask if i've taken medicines.

and just a day ago, she was giving advil.. and shyte to someone else.

i'm not jealous.

i'm just surprised at the "oh she'll be fine.. i don't have to care for her" attitude.

fuck the world.

i'll die.

but if they give me a pill, i'll take poison and die.

i can fucking get a heart attack.. that's how i'd rather die.

i'd rather join my dad, yaknow.

it's a big pain in the ass to be alive.

i'm going now.

It's where you're headed that matters most,
not where you are or what you must endure
along the way. If you're weary, seek to change
your direction, not your position.

true.

i do care about where i'm headed. as for where i am, it's just a hurdle.. and a real bad experience.

i should've heeded my gramma's advice way back in '97. i'd have prolly been a happier person today.

quest for happiness.

but as it says in the above passage, all that i must endure along the way..

i'm not going to endure bullshit.. or any bloody assholes in life.

stinking wankers.

the bloody selfish dog.

ruining my life.

wait till i make his fucking life unbearable.

then please stop by and watch the fun.

if not that, you can definitely see me perform seppukku, right?

it isn't about sharing of responsibilities.. blah

it's about companionship..

don't i deserve that?

I just realized something..

I don't (actually) need men to survive in this world.

and as for those yearnings.. I've trashed them all.

and it feels good.

cuz now I don't expect..

and I will definitely not be disappointed.

now that's music to my ears :-)

men are the biggest losers.

I just realized how 'alone' I am in this world..

I mean..

I lost my dad when I was two.. had 3 uncles who were supposed to be father figures.. but they were such losers..

...

thought I'd get some support.. thought I'd be able to depend on someone.. emotionally depend.. I can take care of a lot of things in my life.. but I'd always yearn for someone strong.. someone ... a person who'd say
"don't worry. I'm here.'

just hearing those words.. or seeing something similar in action would be such a consolation.




not that my ma wasn't there for me.. she's been my guiding star.. (even though sometimes we have our own problems)

I still yearn.

but I guess it's not in my fate.

and I do believe in fate and destiny.

maybe I've done something wrong.. my karma I guess.

well, so be it.

I can't fight life anymore.. and death doesn't accept my invitation.

ha.

so funny.
ha.

i'll follow in your footsteps..
tisha asher
you follow in mine..
tisha asher
and we'll both go around in circles!
tisha asher
tisha asher

i will now sleep.

since i feel ..

umm..

relief?

NO.

then what?

i don't know.

but i will sleep.

i wish people around me would be a tad bit more aware of other people's needs.. and stop being so fucking selfish.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
if there's anything i hate the most in this world.. it has to be selfishness.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
may i share what i learn't from life..
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
all selfish people are basically assholes.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
how may i stress this point?
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
all selfish people are basically assholes.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
and i know of one such person.. close to me too...
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
can you believe that??
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
gosh.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
misjudgement.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
that can be a killer.
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
nah?
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...
tisha asher ? you wont find her here...

the men in ... don't know any better than the three s's.

sports, studies and ...

that's so awful sad..

oh well, it's just a few more months.. and then i'll get my break my vacation from this drudgery!

i'll (hopefully) be around people who are more productive.. who know the value of being blessed with a wonderful life.
i'll learn to live and look at life from an out-of-the-box pov.
i'll use every moment towards making a positive difference in other people's lives..

time and again people have disgusted me with the way they think.. and their actions too..
i don't want to do that to other people..
i want to be a better person in life.

right now my life is revolving around fixed conservative objects, if i may..

and that's close to my worst nightmare.. STAGNATION.

and my nightmare's coming true.. i feel i'm stagnating..

no motivation.. no inspiration.. no intellectual stimulation

no nothing.

zilch.