people say tomorrow never comes.

true.

but then, tomorrow never goes away either.

its always on the horizon..
no matter what you do today.

does my tomorrow look like a beckoning ray of light
or
a dark, daunting cloud?

i don't know.

i keep lifting up one foot after the other
and
walk on
down my path
through time.

i'm happy.

haven't been happy in a while.

no
constant fights
constant ignoring
constant running

:)

now its more of
silence
friends
togetherness
sweet nothings
craziness

its just living :)

i want this for christmas.

and i'll probably buy it in delaware. no tax! heh.

experimenting..

with collages.

tell me if you like them :)

more colorado

bits of me

my crazy colleagues collage

aspen trip collage

cricket collage

office halloween party

nyc in the rain.

(l to r) maddy, me, mom and sunil. that big huge white monster in the background is my upright piano. with loads of soft toys on top of it. i'm still settling in. cleaning up. throwing out the old and bringing in the new! that white wine makes me giggle. and check out the floating candles on the dining table! :)

he: so are you winding down from your partying?

me: gosh i'm still trying to *groan*

he: I bet you can drink guys 5 time your size under the table....

me: yes! Hahah :) i drink like an irishman

he: heh - that's rough!

he: they say that the irish saved the world, but forgot where they put it

he: You'll be the next person I refer to as "one of the great drinkers of all time"

he: Somebody will talk about a guy he met in the navy, another guy about a highland scotsman who could drink 12 year old scotch like it was iced tea. Then I'll say - "I know this little chick from Bombay....."

me: LOL well i'm from bombay and hyderabad

he: bombay is well known - so it works better

me: i guess so

he: anyway, picture it: The navy guy falls over drunk - the highlander passes out. You peer out from behind 50 shot glasses and mumble: "pussies...."

me: LOLOL HAHAHAHAHAHAH

he: then you light up a cigarette and walk away

he: walking to the door of the pub, you exclaim "Men...they can't hold their liquor"

read this somewhere..

definition of maturity

This is maturity: To be able to stick with a job until it's finished; to do one's duty without being supervised; to be able to carry money without spending it; and to be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

will sanity ever be restored?

that's a tough question.

there wasn't that much sanity in my life even before the last wave of chaos came washing over it.

arha and me. arha's now 4 months old! he's such a sweetheart :)

sunil and i. damn! the dude looks like a ghetto-ass thug off to an interview at the SoHo Burger King! LOL

heh. this is a funny story - maddy wanted me to take a pic of him waving sunil goodbye.. and sunil wasn't giving him the time of day. sunil was busy texting me! LOL i think sunil looks dashing in the jeans, t-shirt and the blazer (my choice of course!)

here's maddy marofying a pose - at the airport. when we went to drop sunil off.. :(

after thanksgiving dinner, when everyone had left, sunil and i cleaned up the place. and then ishu was bugging him - following him around.. wanting him to pet her. here he is, telling her not to scratch my brand new leather couch :) i love this pic.

a totally trashed monty.

thanksgiving dinner (L to R) me, sunil, monty, nitin, madhavan, venu and kavita. oh god! my mom made me wear a saree! i looked weird. heh

(L to R) sunil, monty, me, gurpreet and kanchana. god, except for kanchana, the rest of us were sloshed! no wonder we all look pretty dopey in this pic. eh?

sunil and i having a pre-thanksgiving ball! that's my new roomie, kaajal, looking on.

OMG! Monty's going to kill me for posting this pic.. but hey! i had an awesome time dressing him up in my red wig and my kimono! doesn't he look pretty LOL

i have no clue what miu's doing in that pic.. but sunil better be careful! heh

monty and miu. they love each other a lot!

mom and me :)

sunil.. quite skewed, eh?

Benguluru Rasam!

Bangalore Rasam contains no tamarind, no rasam powder, no curry leaves. Heck, it's not your traditional rasam. It's a simple vodka based cocktail/mocktail using lemon essence, salt and green chilli. Yes, you heard right. Green Chillies! As per taste, ofcourse.

Here's the recipe:

Step One: You'll need a round brimmed glass. Salt the edge by touching the wet edges in salt. Fill in a few cubes of Ice. I prefer large cubes, say five of them. Squeeze Lemon in, according to taste. Do not put in more than a whole lemon, that's about 15-20 ml of lemon essence. Take a green chilli, keeping the seeds within the chilli, slit it down a longitudinal edge and place it as in the picture. Make sure the chilli is as green/raw/fresh as possible, the spice is the key to the taste of benguluru rasam.

Step Two: Add two pinches(or more) of salt to the top of the pile. Remember that the order of the indgredients is important, disobey the instructions at your own stomach's peril.

Step Three: Add 30 or 60 ml or 120ml or empty the whole goddamn bottle of Raw vodka. You can make this a nice mocktail by replacing the vodka with your favourite softdrink. I just hope that's not Fanta or something..

Step Four: Voila! Benguluru Rasam is ready! Top with a sprig of parsley, if you have any handy.

foolmaker's club-n-pub!

ok.

so my house has officially become the local daru ka adda!

the local pub
sometimes club.

here was the original plan for today:

friend's leaving for india for a month. so i thought i'd set up the christmas tree way in advance.

he's never decorated a christmas tree..

and i thought a few friends, my mom and roomie and him would have a quiet little close-knit-family kind of time.

then this random girl i know emails me and says "whatcha doin' tonight? mind if i stop by your house?"

then this random guy friend im's me and says "dude, i'm coming over to your house tonight.. i'm bored shit out of my mind. and my roomie's coming too. he's bringing some food"

so now its turning out to be a BIG gathering instead of the quiet time i had planned.

i'm going to try nash's banglore rasam drink! (will post the recipe soon.. its something to do with vodka, sprite, fresh green chillies, salt etc)

i think we are good with each other.

like i said feels like we have been doing this forever

and we seem to know what the other wants

ugly sam's dead.

may his soul rest in peace.

me: i'm tired of everything. i need someone to take care of me.. for sometime atleast

he: would you ever let anybody do that?

me: yes i would. now i'm ready. i'd do it if i knew that the person i'm depending on really cares for me.. there's no point otherwise.

me: i'm tired of caring for others.. know what i mean?

he: YES I DO. (caps intentional)

me: i know i sound pretty selfish. but i have no qualms about sharing things like this with you

he: i was with you for a few days. You dont sound selfish

me: so if you were with me for a few days?

he: you dint let me take care of you even for a second. Not that I had a lot of options to do that.

he: I just feel that you have a few people around who would like to take care of you

me: like who?

he: but you dont give them much of a chance. You need somebody strong who can just say "shut up" (in a nice way)

me: no i understand. i do need that shutup!

he: and absolve you of all the things of the things on your head and let you be.

he: not thats a bad idea. you cant just be. you are too restless

Nov 18 11:00AM

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. (Mt 6:12)

heh.

he: where do you get all that energy from?!

me: its zapped from a spaceship circling earth, which will one day take me back to my own planet, orbiting the star electra in the pleiades cluster.

ok - i admit

i can't ever stop blogging. its really hard not to write.

well, my new, ultra-cool roomie moved in.

i've got a very powerful smile that belongs to me (temporarily atleast)

and

i'm busy to the bone.

what else would i want?

ok..

have to break my own exile for this one:

whackiest web names

after almost 5 years..

i'm bidding my blog goodbye.

its time to let go. the blog's been my savior.

i need to find greener pastures.. i feel like a deserter.. but then, life has no loyalty.

so why should i?

ciao and God bless!

some people

are born with a talent for art or music.

i've been given the gift of solitude.

shit

accidents happen all the time.. everywhere..

especially on snowy slopes while snowboarding.

Bitch I'ma kill you! You don't wanna fuck with me
Girls leave - you ain't nuttin but a slut to me
Bitch I'ma kill you! You ain't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin I don't squash the beef
You better kill me! I'ma be another rapper dead
for poppin off at the mouth with shit I shouldn'ta said
But when they kill me - I'm bringin the world with me
Bitches too! You ain't nuttin but a girl to me
.. I said you don't, wanna fuck with Shady (cause why?)
Cause Shady, will fuckin kill you (ah-haha)

oops!

watch your back, honey

went home for 4 hours.

back at work since 3am.

came into the office at 8:15am.

leaving now at 10:48pm.

yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn

thanks venu! this was a much needed laugh..

i stood..

on a low step.

and below me, there's a small drop. and i don't know this.

my eyes are shut.

he persuaded me to close them
some while ago
and led me
to this position
via a convoluted route.

all the way..
he's been whispering in my ear.

talking about
canyons and chasms
towering skyscrapers
parachute drops and bungee jumps.

and now, i'm nervous.

the idea of
a leap of faith
seems terrifying.

should i open my eyes
and be brave?

or should i
just succumb
to my fears?

i met..

this guy on my way to work today.

right by my house actually.

he was doing some promotion for the radio station..

gave me a hug and a mug

and put a big smile on my face.

he's damn funny.. funny like a clown.

saw three and a half movies last night.

someone like you
pinjar
arth
and half of telugu movie anand.

wow.

you..

ruined my life.

now its my turn.

“Then, are you not afraid of death?” I pursued.

“Afraid? No!” he replied. “ I have neither a fear, nor a presentiment, nor a hope of death. Why should I? With my hard constitution and temperate mode of living, and unperilous occupations, I ought to, and probably shall remain above ground, till there is scarcely a black hair on my head. And yet I cannot continue in this condition! I have to remind myself to breathe – almost to remind my heart to beat! And it is like bending back a stiff spring – it is by compulsion that I do the slightest act not prompted by one thought, and by compulsion, that I notice anything alive or dead, which is not associated with one universal idea. I have a single wish, and my whole being and faculties are yearning to attain it. They have yearned towards it so long, and so unwaveringly, that I’m convinced it will be reached – and soon – because it has devoured my existence; I am swallowed in the anticipation of its fulfillment. My confessions have not relieved me, but they may account for some otherwise unaccountable phases of humour which I show. O, God! It is a long fight. I wish it were over!”

an excerpt from one of my favorite books: Wuthering Heights.

i sit quiet
and
patiently i wait

i feel
the cracks
in the walls

isn't he coming?

high pitch noises
silence of the mimes

he told me
he would come back

then i waited
for mr. phillips
to come
and
get his iguana

i bought the tie
i had no shirt
to wear it with

the crack on my lip
yearns to be soothed

thought i heard
the sounds of snowflakes
that used to be
music to my ears

one day
i was singing
and playing

i will think
i will sing
and play
one day

i will walk
out of my house
and
walk my ghost fish
and
people would still think
i am weird

weird i am
i will
but one day

when people see
i boil my soul
in tea
will i still be weird?

everybody
boils their soul
in grapejuice
i will boil it
in tea

remembered
you like tea
remembered
you liked someone

i will
be happy
one day
when you return

sometimes its impossible to write.

these days
i feel
completely disengaged from everything

like i am
enclosed in a sheet of glass
through which
i see and hear only if i
strain to do so

feels like i am just
repeating myself though
inside this case of glass

thoughts and sounds and words
just bounce back and forth
nothing goes anywhere.

yes sometimes is impossible to write.

i like to think i know..

.. who i am and what i stand for.

yet sometimes, i find i'm a stranger even to myself.

under unusual circumstances i say and do unexpected things. often i've got a reason to be proud of what i turn out to be capable of.

but now..

fresh blood does have a distinct odor.

it stinks.

i've got a..

burning urge to free myself.

it would be..

.. so easy.

to let go
of life.

to let go
of injustice.

just one thought.
and determination.

weird dream

i was sitting on an isolated area on the banks of the river Kaveri.

thinking about existentialism.
thinking about injustice.

and then, i wanted to experience how it feels to torture my body.

i quietly slipped into the river.

and the strong currents took me to my death.

and i liked it.

gillian halpin

go fuck yourself.