five things i can do this weekend:

1. hang around waiting for the phone to ring.
   
2. hang around not waiting for the phone to ring.
   
3. switch the phone to silent so i don't have to worry about whether it rings or not.
   
4. switch the phone back on again to prove that i'm really not bothered.
   
5. look really busy so nobody will possibly think i'm just hanging around.
   

five more things i can do this weekend.

1. nothing too strenuous.
   
2. decide not to analyze anything.
   
3. take it easy.
   
4. stop thinking.
   
5. have fun.
   

some stars are so many light years away from the Earth that we see them now the way they looked a million + years ago. and, of course, they are experiencing the same delay with our earthly transmissions. radio waves and satellite broadcasts may advertise our existence to aliens throughout the galaxy but sadly, by the time they get here - eager to find out what all those episodes of "The Jerry Springer Show" really mean, there will be nobody who remembers them.

some people accuse me of being moody. the fools. what do they know? i'm sure they're the same people who think water is wet or that leaves are green. no imagination. no understanding. i'm not moody. just deep. meaningful. sensitive. keenly responsive to changes in my environment. and do i sometimes take things too seriously? perhaps. but then, doesn't everybody? one thing i definitely have though, is a good memory. atleast i used to. i forget nothing. i will settle old scores.. return favors.. be a bitch.

some things are not worth thinking about. most things fall into this category.

i go through the "dubba-peepa" syndrome ever so often these days. its like i'm lost.. in the middle of the spectacular banff.. witnessed by someone i love. and would i still love the same?
my love is sad. i wont meet him the same way i did. he made me grow up..

so i frowned. and he whispered in my ear :

never frown because you dont know who is falling in
love with your smile.

and so i frowned even more.

i miss mw.

The cold wind on my face stings.
Atleast I know I am alive.

guy: do u love him because he loves u?
girl: i loved him the first time i saw him. tall and lanky..
with those innocent eyes. he hadn't even seen me then..
i couldn't breathe.. it took me 15 minutes before i could gather courage to walk up and
say hi. he wasn't impatient.. but he was worried. and he knew i was always punctual.
and when he first saw me walk through the door.. i guess he knew it was me..
he walked in long strides.. with his left hand in his slack pocket.. his smile warmed my heart.
everything else around me was a blurr.. except him. black slacks.. dull olive green jcrews..
and those adorable set of modo's balanced on his nose, trying to hide those big brown eyes..
and i, like a bum, give out my hand, for a shake.. and he takes it.. and says
"being formal doesn't really suit you".. then he gives me this big hug.. i almost cried.
he was so comforting. he did compliment my smile.

please forgive me
i know not what i do
please forgive me
i can't stop loving you

don't deny me
this pain i'm going through
please forgive me
if i need you like i do

gosh! how many friends have i lost to the concept of love! this year's bad. at this rate, i'll lose all my friends by valentines!

i've embarked on a wonderful journey.. change is finally visiting a part of my world in which too much has been stale for too long! and the more intense life gets, the more essential my faith becomes. i know me. and i've got complete control over the realm i'm in :)

the whole night could have been spent in physical proximity and the exchange of superflous words.
too bad you are not here.
since life is meaningless
and
death is inevitable.
but is anyone up for some vicarious living?
i think not
and yes,
i think not because my heart belongs in domremy.
though i have changed since the thoughts left me,
i am feeling humbled.
a little lost..
a little quiet..
peering out of an uncurtained window.
i have been preparing for a battle with my emotions..
my past.
i walked a thousand miles
wept till the outer worlds were flooded.
i will wait till an eternity but i am a fool to believe
i have anything you need.
somewhere deep inside me
are thoughts i want you to know..
feelings i want to express..
share my parallel universes..
but no words to speak
no heart to feel
no eyes to see.
all i have is
a mouth that can spew venom
and that is not how i want to live my life.
will my soul ever learn?
even after many hurts
swollen eyes
dark circles
greet the mirror every morning..
a tear tries to wash away the dark.
does not succeed.
a heart that seems
too far away to reciprocate
to even a mysterious seduction
and no it is not stoic.
neither is it surrounded by dark spaces
where screams are black-holed.
does it still have faith on this empty idea?
i know not.
you have me caught in desire
for a verbal existence with
and without any meaning.
yearn
mourn
palpitate
breathe
scream
weep
for whom?

i know not.

two wrongs do not make a right. nor, despite my occasional moments of self-doubt, do two rights ever make a wrong. sometimes, i begin to wonder whether there is really any point in being laudable and applaudable. i watch aghast as amoral individuals appear to get clean away with inexcusable outrages. i see my own noble efforts to be ethical creating tension and apparently holding me back. and then i forget that i'm merely looking at a snapshot. a freeze-frame from a film.

trying to forget is a constant reminder.

cure for insomnia:

*thwip*
*thwap*
*pachak*
*thwip*
*thwap*
*pachak*
*thwip*
*thwap*
*pachak*
*thwip*
*thwap*
*pachak*

me: i still haven't figured out why i'm telling you all this...

he: like i said - perhaps it is easier not to ask the question rather than attempt to answer it

i've stopped asking questions.

a smile on the lips
oft clouds the wounds

he: dude, i was watching this playboy movie.. what a syzygy!

me: wasn't it more like a menage-a-trois?

he: nah! it definitely was a beautiful conjunction of three celestial bodies...

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills
When all at once, I saw a crowd
A host of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way
They stretched in never ending line
Along the margin of a bay
Ten thousand, saw I at a glance
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance

The waves beside them danced, but they
Outdid the sparkling waves in glee
A poet could not but be gay
In such a yocund company
I gazed and gazed, but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils

-- William Wordsworth

The knowledge of atmospheric v's is becoming important, since the flux ratio, v(mu)v(e), observed with the water cherenkov type -detector shows a significant deviation from the predicted value. The uncertainty in the calculation of atmospheric 's are mainly originated from the uncertainties of the flux of primary cosmic rays and hadronic interactions. The absolute value of the cosmic ray flux is rather difficult to determine and the uncertainty is estimated ~15%, although the spectrum shape and the relative fraction of chemical components are well determined in <~ 100 GeV. Since available experiments are limited, some properties of hadronic interactions, such as the production spectrum of secondary particles, are not well determined either.

blah blah blah

then sometimes when i am fast asleep
i have a dream that is so vivid
it makes me feel sure i am wide awake
i can even see myself
in the dream
sitting up and saying
"thank god i am awake. what an odd dream that was"
or i may dream that i am pinching myself to see if i am dreaming
and scary part is that i can actually feel that pinch in the dream
so am i dreaming
or are they genuine
go for a run
have a hot drink
i must do whatever i need to reassure myself
then relax
though life right now may be reminiscent of some strange fantasy
it is real
and also
more importantly
it is good.

i'll follow in your footsteps..

you follow in mine..

and we'll both go around in circles!

when something captures my heart, i lose all desire to see reason. i summon deep determination. i manifest steadfast loyalty and i lose all interest in argument. life's too short for sensible restraint. i wonder what.. or who.. is inflaming my passion? somehow, i'm full of fire. i can’t forget a particular moment in time – and i won’t stop striving to recreate it – or at least, an aspect of it.

the last thing i want is to see the future.

location: Macy's
situation: long line of people at the register.
character: woman in front of me.

cashier: "cash, check or charge?"
woman: "one second, please."

* woman fumbles through her big bag for the wallet and drops a tv remote *

me: "do you always carry your tv remote?"

woman: "no. my hubby refused to come refrigerator shopping with me, so i figured this was the most evil thing i could do to him."

split open by the raw and the unfulfilled.

Tomorrow never comes.

of course it doesn't! because if it does come, it turns into today.

ok i ramble.. i'm just drunk :p

our families send us to school in an attempt to equip us for later life. then, later in life, we send ourselves to therapists/psychiatrists in an attempt to understand why we feel so poorly equipped to cope.

Turn-on's:

J: a ciggarette with lipstick traces.
B: a girl adjusting her glasses on her face.
L: hugh jackman!
S: a girl running her fingers through her hair.
M: guys with fangs.
T: geeks.
F: unapproachable assholes. those really turn me on.

like the new design? thanks to harris

Work in Progress

me: can you make time stand still?

he: absolutely! just project your imagination far into the future.. think of all the things you'd like to happen. envisage all the changes you hope to see. then stop. open your eyes. and look around you. notice how nothing is different. there you go! time has stood still!

i hate him.

when i'm mystified, i find it extremely hard to make decisions. a little wary of the forces acting upon and around me makes me want to hedge bets and cover myself against all eventualities. i'm just discovering how intimidating and mind boggling the trip to the west coast has been.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

--Groucho Marx

chasms of chaos lie all around. some are clearly sign-posted and well fenced off. others lie unmarked, even deliberately disguised as tiny pot-holes on the road to normality. i hope i wont inadvertently fall into one of those.. cuz i'm in deep-doodie already! ;-)

some people have peculiar tastes. garish color combinations. eating foods that seem strange. liking me.

listening to: heer

love is a bad bad thing. especially when the object of your affection is miles away.

and anticipation is a damned double-edged sword!

caught this in a spam mail:

PT Usha, India`s greatest woman athlete of all times, missed a bronze by
1/100th of a second at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. The same year, she
re-wrote Asian Games record in all the events she participated in. The
most striking feature of Usha has always been her fortitude. Even at great
heights of her career, she was always shy and smiling.

PT Usha, India`s Golden Girl has been following the Indian debacle in New
Zealand and feels that its a temporary hitch in their form.

But she does not leave it at that. As can be expected from the greatest
Indian athlete of her era, she says: "The running between the wickets is
the area Indian team needs to improve."

Known for her constructive critisism, PT usha also suggests a remedy.
"Indian Cricketers should practice 30 meters run seriously."

Thirty metre runs are practiced to increase the speed-stamina combination
by athletes and footballers.

She believes if Indians practice 30-metre runs, and improve their running
between the wickets, there is every chance they will make it to the
semi-final.

According to Usha, Indians need to improve their fielding too. When asked
what could be wrong in that area she says,"None of the Indian cricketers
have an athletic body. Fat accumulation is too high and again it comes
down to the 30-metres run."

interesting article.

listening to: Roxette - It must've been love.

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without


it's never easy to let go. even when i'm truly tired of something. even when i've had enough of it. even when i know that i can only benefit from going in a different direction, i tend hang on to my problems like that's what i'm hanging on to dear life by. rather than move to some new inspiring topic, i continue to think about whatever has hurt or upset me. it's as if i fear the loss of something familiar. i feel i ought to remain in control of everything – at all times – even if this obliges me to remain in a state of suffering. i may as well put it behind me.. for i've got new beginnings to tread on. goodbye is a scary word.

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again

i don't really mind the long lines at the airports. nor do i care about having to open my luggage in front of curious people and exposing the mess that i truly am. nor do i fret and fume about being pat up and down.

but i hate having to take my shoes off! i absolutely resent it.

a friend wrote this:

too worn and tired to know
that we're all passing through
with nowhere to arrive
and everywhere to go

how true.

joey's forecast for moi:

On Monday you will start on a brand new cycle.

Make it your objective, today, tomorrow and over this
weekend, to look back at the past 12 months and learn
what you can from your mistakes.

It will make success more likely over the coming 12
months.

Van Morrison - Someone Like You

I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been travellin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.

I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you... [etc.]

I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
Drum.
But just lately I have
Realised
The best is yet to come.
Someone like you... [etc.]

as you can see, i really miss california.

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again

Today's Laugh:

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.

That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.

"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute."

free magic wand for every one of you. just collect the coupons and you can have your very own wish-fulfilling, spell-casting device. no more need to worry about that low limit on your credit card. one wave of the wand and you can borrow as much as you choose – or just possibly, you can think of some even better use for your wand! like using it to summon forth endless cash from thin air!

i just got my wand.. hope you've been collecting those coupons ;)

as the Earth spins in space it races past a million pieces of cosmic debris. most of these meteorites burn up in our atmosphere. every so often, some survive and create craters on the ground. what are the odds of you being hit by a chunk of rock from space as you go about your business today?

its possible!

clouds of iron!

there’s so much i want to do in 2003. i have high hopes and great expectations. and as i see it, my opportunities are good. but i need to resolve past issues so i can seize these opportunities.

Plus ca change, plus c’est le meme chose.