foolmaker: February 2002

Virgo
Wednesday, 27th February 2002

To have the Moon full in your sign is to have a cosmic spotlight shining down on you. It is to feel exposed, vulnerable and as if you have no hiding place. Put your best foot forward bravely. You cannot postpone an important engagement. Nor can you put off a much needed conversation. But you have nothing to be ashamed of - indeed you have everything to be proud of. So why should you worry about the way you are now attracting so much attention. See yourself as strong and you will be strong - and you will start to get excellent results.

Yes. I am feeling vulnerable.. weak.. tired. And I am tired of putting on a strong front when, in actuality, I need to lean on someone... I need someone to be strong for me. But that's not going to happen. So I'll be my own strength.

Here are the MRI results:

Straightening of the Lordosis suggest muscular spasms.
Bulging of the Intervertebral disc at L4-L5.

Those are 2 of the many reasons that is making me suffer this much. The main and most important reason seems to be a nerve. My doctor has ordered me to see a neurologist. And one of the tests the neurologist will perform is where he'll prick me with many many needles.. similar to accupuncture.

Can you see how excited and eager I am? Truly speaking, I am looking forward to it (despite my fear of needles) because the pain caused by the needles will be way more tolerable than the pain I am suffering right now.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was probably the worst day I have had in a long time. I woke up with the intention of going to the doctor. I was eager to get out of bed because I was very very hungry and it was 10 am. But the moment I put my foot on the floor, I had this searing pain running through my right leg. I passed out. I opened my eyes at 11 am. I could barely manage to walk to the bathroom. A quick shower might do me good.. or so I thought. My left leg gave way in the shower and I collapsed!

The first thing I did was to get some food in me and take my medicines. Whoa! what a difference. I even managed to make myself some goodies with the super strength the medicines gave me :)

I didn't go in for physiotherapy today. Because I couldn't even walk down to the lobby of my building, leave alone driving. I just crashed on the couch.. all drugged up from the pills.. drowsy as hell.

And more did happen later that evening. But I cannot type anymore. This is exhausting.

Want to send some love my way?

I get the MRI results in a few hours.

I still feel like shit. As long as I have some medication in my body, I am happy (lack of pain puts a smile on my face). Once the effect of the medicine wears off, I feel like I am going to die. Hopefully the doctor will come up with a solution to my problem.

A riot:

Even though we have our problems, I must say:

My ma is the best!

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Whoever came up with that was full of bullshit. I, as a human being, am prone to being stupid. Its not my fault. But then again, it may very well be my naive factor. I get into friendships, give it my 100%. And what do I get in return, "you don't exist". Great, just great! I don't think I have ever been hurt this bad. But then again, I'm stupid enough to think that the friendships I build are so strong not even the seven seas can affect it. Remind me again that I am stupid. And these are the friendships I used to be proud off.. I'd tell tales about my friendships. I'd put my friends on a pedestal. I haven't changed, but stupid me forgets that people change every second.

Lesson Learned: I am stupid.

Ordeal
(read: pain-in-the-ass)
Appointment: 02/19/02 @1:00 pm

The Day Before: The doctor reiterates the severity of the problem on hand. He prescribes narcotic painkillers, stronger muscle relaxants and sleeping pills. At 4:00 pm, I take the narcotic painkiller and muscle relaxant. At 4:05 pm, the world starts spinning around me.. spinning at 186,000 miles per second. I use up a huge towel to wipe away every single drop of sweat that my body was producing at a rate of 100 globules of sweat per second. Even horses don't sweat this much. The palpitations were the next step followed by frantic phone calls to the doctor, who (very conveniently) couldn't come to the phone as he was "with another patient". I laughed/cried at the news. I became hysterical. I ran around the house holding onto my head (thinking all the while it was going to fall off). I sighed and moaned and groaned. I crashed on the couch. Unfortunately, neither Ma nor S was at home. A tried to comfort me. He turned the air conditioner on high cool and set two fans on high, rotating to cool my whole body. It still didn't help. I fell asleep out of sheer fatigue, waking up every now and then to see if I was alive or if I was having an out-of-body experience. Funny. At one point, my body was burning so bad that I thought I was going to be a SHC freak. Eventually, I realized I wasn't going to die. A few words of thanks to God and I was happy. The problem was I could not stand or sit for longer than 5 minutes. If I didn't lie down, the whole spinning saga would start again. So, after dinner and some email checks, I finally gave in and crashed around 12:15am.

An hour before: I opened my eyes. I saw the time. I closed my eyes. FUCK! It was fucking 12:05 pm. It was afternoon. It was only 55 minutes before my appointment.
Brushing teeth......= 02 minutes
Shower...............= 10 minutes
Finding clothes.....= 05 minutes
Eating brunch.......= 10 minutes
Surfing the net.....= 20 minutes!

Yikes! I had only 13 minutes to get to the doctor's office. But lucky me, I found a parking spot right next to the doctor's Lexus (read: right outside the door).

1:00 pm, I walked in pretty pleased at my punctuality only to find that the doctor was with a patient doing a MRI. So I specifically signed up for a 1:00 pm appointment as I wanted to be in time for a 2:50 pm class. Stupid me. I will never learn. So I wait patiently.
1:30 pm, I see the doctor talking to Pfizer salesman. I hover around that area, vying for his attention. He finally glances over at me. I smile. He acts as if I don't even exist. 1:50 pm, and I feel weak. The office is full of patients. No place to sit. Not that I can sit because if I do, I'll start bawling right there. I notice a shooting pain in my right hand. I use my left hand as a support for the right hand. I pace to and fro. This spanish firefighter offers me a seat. I give him a disgusted look. I pace the length of the office. I sit next to the spanish firefighter and apologize, making pain the excuse. He smiles. I smile. I see the time and I wince.
2:25 pm, and I just can't wait anymore.
2:30 pm, "Foolmaker, the doctor will see you in the MRI section."
There is a God.

I walk in, look around, only to find that there's no doctor around. Well, ok. Out comes this man, bearded and middle -aged, throwing at me two faded cotton owns. "Please remove your pants, top and brassiere.. the bathroom's that way". Oooookkay. I take my shoes off.. and one clothing item at a time. No, I wasn't practicing my strip tease act. I was prolonging the inevitable. I'm done wearing the gowns. I look at myself in the mirror, conscious of my body. I walk out, my hand twisted back to hold the gowns and cover the little skin that was visible.

He smiles at me.. and now he seems relaxed. He adjusts the cushion panels on the sliding wood I was going to lay on. The doctor comes in. Gives me this look of sympathy and reassures me that I'm in good hands. They try and find the smallest belt-like contraption (for my mid-riff area) to hold me in place. The smallest one was huge for me. So they make it a perfect fit by stuffing a pillow between my tummy and the belt. After I'm all strapped and settled, the bearded man gives me one last smile and slowly starts to push the sliding panel. I panic. I see this huge, round tunnel-like chamber. Of course, I panic. I go in head-first. It felt so painful - everything was disappearing very slowly. I see the door disappear, then the pretty Sausalito painting with soft soothing colors vanishes followed by the edges of the huge machine I was being shoved into! Even my thoughts were vanishing. I wanted to yell (fear of the unknown will do that to you). Then I realized that if I want to be an astronaut, I would have to get used to living in cramped miniscule spaces. I took a deep breath and smiled. I fell asleep. I dreamed of magic and music, of power and beauty, of prince charming and kisses, of Mulan and Cinderella. And I remember the dreams to the detail.

At one point in time, I was lost in this beautiful music being played on a harp by this angel I knew, only to be disturbed by some harsh, ugly sound - the bearded man's voice - "10 minutes more and we will get you out of there". Sigh. He had to butt in right at the moment when I rescued my prince from the evil corporate rats. Fuck him. I wanted to yell "Let me sleep for a few more minutes". Those 10 minutes were probably the longest - I knew I didn't have enough time for another dream and I didn't know what to do. I hadn't even realized that the bearded man had the radio tuned in to 106.7 litefm. I guess I was as happy as a vampire vacationing in his coffin. So those 10 minutes were spent listening to the likes of NSYNC, Britney, Jessica Simpson etc. Those were probably the worst 10 minutes of my life.

As I left the chamber, I felt sad. I wanted to go back in there and cuddle up with those soft pillows and wander off with my prince. Alas! this world is jealous. I put on my clothes and the departing words I hear "The results will be available in 4-5 days".

I say "Thank you" and walk out.

Virgo
Tuesday, 19th February 2002

Some people were born to be wild. Others were born to run. Virgos, it would appear, were born to cope. It doesn't matter what life throws at you; you handle it. You take it all in your stride and, on the rare occasion when your stride is not long enough, you borrow a pair of stilts. Yours is rare talent. It may not be the stuff of which action packed movies are made but if it were not for people like you, such films would not exist. Indeed nothing would exist - for nobody would organise it. Smile today. Your genius is not going unnoticed

And this is what I'm doing today: coping. Coping with all this bullshit around me.

The spasms from the accident have taken a turn for the worse. Affected areas include legs, right hand, right shoulder and complete back area. But the most affected is the right leg. As I walked into the doctor's office this morning, I felt weak. I haven't felt weak in a long long time. I meandered my way to the farthest check-up room, I felt worse. And by the time the doctor came in, my legs buckled under me!
aiyah.
The doctor, a good friend of mine, was worried... terribly worried. He was especially worried because I haven't been sleeping well and i looked like a wreck. So he says that he will put me on narcotic painkillers. And he gave me some muscle relaxants, and a couple of other medications. Let me tell you the biggest shock I got. That damned narcotic painkiller sent me into a frenzy! The whole damned world was spinning real fast.. I was sweating like a pig.. used up innumerable Kleenex to wipe the little waterfalls of perspiration.. breathlessness was an issue too. And finally I collapsed, on the couch. I just gave in. And I started saying my prayers.. for I thought this was it.

I did manage to recover. And I hope I will get through tomorrow without any problems. A series of MRI's I have to go through tomorrow.. God, I need courage.

Believe it or not but 8.02pm on February 20 this year will be an historic moment in time. At that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.

As the clock ticks over from 8.01pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002,2002, or to be more precise - 20:02, 20/02, 2002.

It is an event which has only ever happened once before, and is something which will never be repeated. The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock - at 10.01am on January 10, 1001. And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is something that will never happen again.

So, be in tune with the time and catch some of the features - that are in true sense 'for the moment'.

a room
four walls one roof one floor and yet i feel lost he told me to hide in there in that room he left me behind locked the door vacant space and nothing within me either i surrender to impulsive thoughts and wait 12,045 cracks on one wall and on the others? i fall asleep to wake up cold and find no one to hold too tired to know where i need to go so i wait i wait till dawn and then dusk comes my way the blue blood despises and the red river supresses tears of blood flow in vain i see his ghost disappear in the rain unspoken promises kept me going until i didn't see a dawn nor did i see a dusk. four walls a roof a floor and i still feel empty.

a room

four walls one roof one floor
and yet i feel lost

he told me to hide in there
in that room

he left me behind
locked the door

vacant space
and nothing within
me either

i surrender
to impulsive thoughts
and wait

12,045 cracks
on one wall and
on the others?

i fall asleep
to wake up cold
and find no one to hold

too tired to know
where i need to go
so i wait

i wait till dawn
and then dusk comes
my way

the blue blood
despises
and the red river
supresses

tears of blood
flow in vain
i see his ghost
disappear in the rain

unspoken promises
kept me going
until i didn't see
a dawn

nor did i see a dusk.

four walls a roof a floor
and i still feel empty.

The most boring, cheesy story I have ever heard:

When Love met Madness

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, virtues and vices wandered bored, not knowing what to do.

One day, they were all gathered and bored more than even when Ingenious had an idea: Why don't we play hide and seek? And all of them liked the idea, and immediately the mad Madness shouted: I want to count, I want to count and since no one else was crazy to seek for Madness, Madness leaned on a tree and started to count, 1, 2, 3?And as Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding.

Tenderness hung on the horn of the moon; Treason in a pile of garbage; Fondness curled up between the clouds; Lie said he would hide under a stone but he lied and hid at the bottom of the lake; Passion went to the center of the earth; Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking....

And Madness continued to count, 79,80, 81,82.

All the vices and virtues were already hidden by then, except for Love, whom as undecided as he is, did not know where to hide. And this should not surprise us because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

And Madness was already at 95, 96,97.and just at the moment when she arrived at hundred, Love jumped into a rosebush and there he hid out. And Madness shouted "I'm coming! I'm coming!" and as she turned, the first one she saw was Laziness, thrown to her feet because he didn't have any energy to hide.

Then she saw Tenderness in the horn of the Moon, and Lie at the bottom of the lake, and Passion in the center of the earth... Discovering them one by one, finding all of them but one. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find the last missing one, until Envy, envious for not having been discovered, whispered to Madness: "You are lacking Love, and he is hiding in the rosebush."

And Madness took a wooden pitchfork, and stabbed at the rosebush, and stabbed and stabbed, till a heartbreaking shout made her stop.

And, after the shout, Love came out covering his face with his hands, and from between his fingers run two threads of blood, out of his eyes.

Madness anxious to find Love had took out Love's eyes with the pitchfork. What have I done?, what have I done? - she shouted. I have left you blind! How can I repair it? And Love answered, you can't restore my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you could be my guide.

From that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

I cannot express how fortunate and blessed I feel to be born in a culture so rich and a land so beautiful with soulful music and awe-inspiring people. From mountains to deserts to the beautiful backwaters, each and every step you take makes you one with yourself.. leave alone nature and people and beauty. I knew my dreams.. I felt my hopes. And when I left, I thought I found life; I thought I found myself; I thought I found love. It took me years to realize I didn't find anything.. instead I lost.

I lost everything.

2.16.2002

Someone dear to me said this today, and I couldn't stop laughing:

heart is on the back burner and the back is at the heart of the issues now

so appropriate.

2.15.2002

STOMP

That says a lot about my "v-day celebrations".

I don't believe in Valentine's day.. and neither do I believe in any kind of exchange of gifts/cards/flowers/boohoo. Yeah, the sentiment is good.. what makes me sick is how commercial it has gotten over the years and how much pressure it puts on a couple.

bah.

Yet I was treated. and treated right.
An AMAZING off-broadway (see STOMP)
A great dinner.

Yes. It was in that order. And all because of me. Got home late from school.. yet I took 1/2 hour to get ready. The biggest mistake though was driving to NYC. Never ever do that.. especially on a day such as V-day. You can circle even 10 blocks.. and if you do find parking, the good Lord showered his choicest blessings on you. It took us 1/2 hour to find parking..a good 1/2 hour and 4 blocks and 1 avenue away. We had dinner reservations for 6:30 and by the time we found any parking, it was 7:30. aiyah.

I felt terrible.
And we agreed to grab a quick bite at nyc's pizza.
Everything looked so interesting... fettucine alfredo pizza.. chicken caesar salad pizza. I opted for the chicken caesar salad pizza. It just looked so whoa!
Bad decision. Bad bad decision.
I could hardly eat a bite.
yuck.

And then we had to run across to the theater.

And I was hungry.

But when the play commenced, woof. I forgot everything else.
If you get a chance, do see the play. It is worth every single penny.

They have this knack of getting the audience involved.. to a point of amazement.

And there was a point in the play that an actor performed so well, people were applauding and I started whistling real loud. I just couldn't help myself. He was hilarious. And he responded to my whistle. And I whistled again.. and he responded yet again. Then he whistled and I responded. This went on for a while.. everybody was staring at me. But hey, I enjoyed the attention. hehehe :)

Well, the play ended at 9:45. And we then walked a few doors down to Baluchi's. The food wasn't the best I've tasted.. but I did enjoy on the whole.

How was your V-day?

2.13.2002

i was born in the year of the horse. and i read somewhere that a man born in the year of the horse is very lucky.. but a woman born in the year of the horse will be unlucky all her life.

is that true?

2.11.2002

bored, i am.

2.10.2002

23 things I like in a man:

Abstractness
Charm
Common Sense
Compassion
Decisiveness
Etiquette
Genuineness
Honesty
Humility
Intelligence
Love
Maturity
Modesty
Power
Practicality
Responsibility
a touch of Romance
Self-confidence
Sex appeal
Shrewdness
Sophistication
Spontaneity
Strength

so i frowned. and he whispered in my ear :

never frown because you dont know who is falling in love with your smile.

and so i frowned even more.

2.09.2002

very bored. so here's what i was upto:

What LoTR Character Are You?

You are most like Aragorn. You have strong convictions and you stick to them. Although you are more of a recluse, you are extremely loyal to the few friends that you have. You are very serious about things, but you like having fun. Fame and fortune mean little to you, and you aren't concerned with being popular.

2.08.2002

I got the job.

The second interview session turned out to be a 3-in-1 interview session. By the time I reached the VP, I was mentally exhausted. But he managed to make my day:

"Your smile is contagious. We HAVE to have you on board."

2.07.2002

Whoa! I feel I haven't posted in sooo long... does feel like an eternity.

Interview Update: I got through the first round of interviews! That's so fucking exciting! Actually, the recruiter forgot to mention that after the information session, we would have the first round of interviews. Seemed like I was the only person out of the whole fucking bunch who wasn't prepared for the interview.. GAH. But hey, the bright side is I didn't have time to get nervous and jittery hehe :) And only two people got selected for the second round of interviews. So today, I have my second interview and I still pretend I don't know about the interview. Amazingly, I feel very calm and relaxed and happy.

Here are a few random pictures:) have fun and show me some love!

2.05.2002

I look at myself in the mirror.. and I can't believe what I see.

I look so.. umm.. so grown up. aiyah!

2.04.2002

Finally! I discovered my new anthem. And it fits me like a glove.

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

-- Meredith Brooks

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

These lines are definitely my favorite:

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man

I am a strong woman.

Independent.
Ambitious.
Caring.
Never forgiving.

And I can see right through your tactics.

People assume.
Assume what they shouldn't.
And that's where they err.
For they assume that they are strong.
And strong they might be.

But me..
I am strong.
And strong will I be.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I have this informal/let-us-size-you-up kind of meeting with this Wall Street firm who help investors meet their finanical goals.

AND I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!

Ok. Even though I don't study business, I have enough knowledge and skills to survive in the industry.

AND I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN THE FINANCE INDUSTRY!

But I never wanted to get a college degree in business. Studying business is boring.

So, I'm looking forward to this meeting/seminar. I hope I put my best foot forward and just have fun.

2.03.2002

whooo hooo!!!

WAY TO GO NE PATRIOTS!! YOU ROCK!

Its just my kind of thing - rooting for the underdogs. and that Brady guy is kind of cute, isn't he?

2.01.2002

congratulations mw

you make me so proud :-p

foolmaker

2.27.2002

2.24.2002

2.22.2002

2.21.2002

2.20.2002

2.18.2002