as i drove from school yesterday, i felt the need to breathe fresh air...

i drive thru inner country roads.. fields on either sides.. barns.. stables..

horses, cows grazing.. hog farm stenches.. huge pheasant birds pecking..

there's a stretch of road with trees on either side.. evergreens.. and others..

two sparrows swoop down close to the ground.. one following the other.

i pulled up to the side of the road.

and just made myself comfortable under this one tree that had buds blooming in pairs.. leaves unfurling in pairs..

saw two tiny grasshoppers.. rubbing their legs..
saw two roaches scurrying down this little hole..
saw two fat squirrels chasing each other up and down the tree i was leaning against.. and
saw two crows perched on the branch of that tree.

it almost seemed like noah's arc again.

spring was in the air..

the air was moisture laden..
and misty..
and tantalizingly chilly..
and romantic..

everything was yellow, green, red..
and happy..
except me.

how hard is it to be happy?
not too hard right?

then why don't i feel happy?

my heart was alone.
longing for another one to join me.

but that heart seems too far away..
and doesn't seem to reciprocate..

communicate..

but my heart still yearns for that sense of mysterious seduction of the mind.
my heart misses that seduction.

will my heart ever feel that sense of belonging?
(even though it lasted briefly.. leaving my heart yearning for more..)

will i ever be with
you
with me

maybe not.

maybe never.