most folk think that to be competitive, you have to pit your skills against someone else's. you have to try to exceed their standards or beat their attainment.

but i'm quite happy to compete against myself.

i can't stand complacency. and i hate resting on my laurels. every single day has to bring me a new challenge, a new adventure.

its not that i'm displeased with my current station.. i'm just waiting for life to throw an adventure my way.

why wait actually? maybe i should create my own adventure..

it's time to head for home.

i need to go where it feels safe, where i don't have to struggle, where i can be sure of familiar things and people.

even if physically, i'm already in such a situation, i find myself in strange psychological territory.

good morning, world!

what a gorgeous day it is..

regret or relief or joy?

• it does feel bad when somebody i work with is fired.
  
  
• it feels good because that person wasn't really doing any work.
  
  
• and because that person's gone, i get a substantial raise in my salary.

i really don't know what i feel at this moment.

everything seems different in the dark..

even innocent shapes cast scary shadows.

been at work since 5:15 am!

went to an amazing zakir hussain concert in princeton. got back home at 12:30am and checked email.

voila!

From: CM
Sent: Tuesday, May 18, 2004 7:35 PM
To: TA
Subject: come in @5:30am

take a car if you have to, we can expense it.

see you tomorrow!

c

i'm not a really a morning person.. so i decided if i stayed up all night, i wouldn't have to *wake* up in the morning :)

read some books
played with the kittens
went ghost-hunting
took a quick shower
and
drove to work

and the 4 of us ordered breakfast:

4 large black coffees
2 dozen krispy kreme donuts
2 sausage egg and cheese on rolls
1 bacon egg and cheese with extra bacon
1 large order of tater tots
1 biyali with veggie cream cheese
1 blueberry muffin
4 bowls of fruit salad
10 bananas
8 apples

and i haven't even started eating..

tomorrow, may 19th, is "don't buy any gas on this day" day..

• boycott gas stations for a day.
  
  
• send a strong message to somebody in charge of gas prices
  
  
• if you need gas, buy it today.
  
  
• don't buy gas tomorrow.
  
  
• do this for one day every month, and watch the gas prices plummet!
  

i close my eyes and imagine..

and i can just about smell the future.

rather like the aroma that seeps forth from a bakery, early in the morning, it has a certain irresistible appeal!

i want to turn my world upside down..

because that's the only way to free myself from something that seems to be taking the wrong shape!

me: in the back of my mind, there's a thought which won't go away. nor will it express itself clearly. i don't fully understand the notion that keeps distracting me. each time i try to develop it or explain it to someone else, the essence of the idea eludes me. my words come out muddled and i begin to doubt the relevance and the substance of this vision.

he: that's because it needs more time to incubate. don't ignore it or force it to grow faster than it can. just let it develop at its own speed. inspiring clarity is bound to come eventually :)

sometimes i get visitors.

sometimes i'm delighted by their presence.

and sometimes i stare wistfully at the wall wondering if they will ever leave.

two wrongs do not make a right.
two chaotic situations do not make a sense of order.
two crazy ideas do not add up to an inspired stroke of genius.
two incompatible individuals do not make a perfect partnership.

Misys gives Pecker head job

i had the unfortunate chance to watch the video showing the beheading of nicholas berg by those fucking terrorists.

• don't watch it.
  
  
• don't watch it if you don't have the stomach to bear such violence.
  
  
• if you do watch it, turn off the volume.
  
  
• if you do watch it with the volume on, just pay attention to the chants of "Allah-oh-Akbar".
  
  
• if you do watch it with the volume on and you're paying attention to the screams of nick berg, don't throw up.
  
  
• if you do watch the whole episode, you'll notice that it took about 39 seconds for the terrorist to actually saw berg's head off!

why don't we have soy sauce commercials like this?

http://yoga.at.infoseek.co.jp/flash/kikkomaso.swf

they have arrived!

interesting that the pilots could not see the objects, but the FLIR (Forward Looking InfraRed) operators could!

physical fitness goals i'd like to achieve in the next 6 months:

• 500-yard swim using breast and/or sidestroke in under 12 minutes and 30 seconds.
  
  10-minute rest
  
  
• perform a minimum of 42 push-ups in 2 minutes
  
  2-minute rest
  
  
• perform a minimum of 50 sit-ups in 2 minutes
  
  2-minute rest
  
  
• perform a minimum of 6 pull-ups (no time limit)
  
  10-minute rest
  
  
• run 1 1/2 miles wearing boots and long pants in under 11 minutes and 30 seconds

this provided me hours of entertainment at work..

heh.

jump that MTA fence and have an adventure!

life,

thankfully, carries on whether i feel inspired or depressed. life doesn't much care what mood i'm in or what i'm doing or where i'm going.

life lives 'for itself' and if i have any sense, i live it for much the same reason.

i realized what really counts now is that i'm alive. my life is a precious gift. i've learned to appreciate it. i've noticed how trivial my fears are.

and at that point, i found, regardless of what's going on, that i've got every reason to be genuinely happy.

millions of people, all across the world, smoke tobacco.

most wish that they could give up and even the most ardent, unapologetic smokers will readily concede that the habit is messy, pungent, socially awkward and physically harmful.

so why do they carry on?

because the yearning to scratch that itch is so intense. the need to feed that addiction is stronger than all logic.

Clement 'Sir Coxsone' Dodd dead

regret not ever getting to his store in brooklyn.

warning:

ashcroft is watching you watch this

this is the most amazing piece of editing i've ever seen!

i often seek an explanation for the inexplicable.

but then i realised that some factors in my life defy logic. and any attempt to make sense of them will result in confusion.
(and then i wonder why i'm confused).

seeking answers, i, at best, come up with theories that collapse the moment i test them out.

the notions i replace them with end up pretty much the same way.

can you blame a guy for trying?

the issue was, were there two attacks on WTC or one? the difference was $3.5 billion in insurance money for larry silverstein!

gmail accounts for sale on ebay!

he: i don't exactly want to be the next person in line to tell you that you think too much. but what the heck: you think too much!

me: i've been pondering this and that..

he: yeah.. and while you've been doing that, i've got a feeling you've severely underestimated your negotiating position..

he: but it's not too late to close the deal in your favor.

me: and that's another way of saying not selling out to interests that i've got no desire to serve, right? but my life's not a business transaction.. no negotiations where life's concerned.

he: all i'm trying to do is make you remember that you promised yourself there were points on which you would never compromise.

*yes i hate him*

recently, i've begun to grapple with early life events that made me question whether i had the right to exist.

back to obsessions

when does a point of keen interest become a wild obsession?

when it begins to get unhealthy.

and i must be careful not to slip over that dangerous edge. i play dangerously. i go too close. but every now and then, i try pulling back just to make sure i can. if i can easily walk away from something, i'm safe to walk towards it. but what i don't play with is my objectivity. it would be utter foolishness to compromise on my most valuable asset. and i need that to guide me through a minefield of emotive issues.

obsession in various shades is a clear theme in my life lately. let's see..

• robert ludlum
• dan brown
• robert payne
• raw mango slices
• full body workouts
• morning cup of steamin' black coffee
• chilly mornings
• rain on my face
• fatal attractions

yes. there are a few more additions.. but do i want to share?

here's something interesting i read for the third time:

A Pope usually worked fourteen-hour days, 7 days a week, and died of exhaustion in an average of 6.3 years. The inside joke was that accepting the papacy was a cardinal's "fastest route to heaven."

-- Angels & Demons, Dan Brown.