an old post from a friends blog - circa 2002:

I had an important conversation with foolmaker last night.

FOr the first time it occurred to me that the reason why it's so hard to accept and appreciate love is that there is something very wrong in my case with the paradigm for all love a person receives, namely one's mother's love.

Much of her love is genuine, but it is also tarnished, even distorted, by her own self-loathing. In what sense does she love me, an extension of herself, while she avowedly hates herself? I have never altogether trusted her love, and since it is paradigmatic, I have never been at ease with or trusting of anyone else's love for me.

I _must_ overcome this, or else there can never be a complete relationship in my life.

Why couldn't I be a normal human? Why did I have to be all fucked up inside?

 
i absolutely adore this picture of ma and me. this is at my old newport place. good memories. 

 
this is how i feel this morning. naughty. as usual, upto no good! love starting the work day early! early as in 3am :) how do you feel today? 

it's perfectly possible

to run up an escalator that is going down.

i just have to travel at such a speed as to counteract the descent and go 'beyond' it.

eventually, i know i'll reach the top.

unless a malevolent saboteur is controlling the speed of the moving walkway. if, the faster i run, the faster they make it go, i'll never get anywhere.

he: put it behind you, make it a part of your past, draw a line in the sand. then fill that line with cement. while it's setting, insert upright steel poles at regular intervals. attach panels of flat stainless steel to those poles. weld them together. then string some barbed wire along the top. send an electric pulse through it all just for good measure. that should keep yesterday at bay.

me: will it? memories have a strange way of defying all our attempts to banish them. they cannot be ‘controlled’. they can only be acknowledged, accepted, made room for and lived with.

i may not

be able to do much to defuse a crisis brewing around me, but i can definitely settle an argument brewing within me.

that, in turn, will have a placating effect on my world and maybe offer me some peace (?) at the moment, i can imagine that people around me are each taking on the roles of aspects of myself that are struggling for harmony.

the hotter the conflict seems, the deeper the insight and clearer breakthrough is possible.

i confuse myself sometimes.

VIRGO
(Aug 24 - Sep 23)

You have exceptional critical faculties. You can find fault with plans and propositions that others find flawless. Other people may play at being a 'devil’s advocate' from time to time, but you are permanently on the lookout for counter arguments. Indeed, you could probably play devil's advocate to the Prince of Darkness himself... and talk him right out of something he was previously committed to! Today though, there's more capital to be made in going along with what's happening than there is in questioning it.

the last of the sunset pics

this still amazes me.

a beautiful Grand Canyon sunset

fairy tales..

have a lot to answer for!

they've lead me to believe, at an impressionable age, that dreams can come true with the wave of a magic wand.

and now,
my expectations swing to the opposite extreme.

i now figure that dreams just don’t ever come true and i'd better wise up to that fact. yet i've seen they do.

its just that first, i have to put in an awful lot of work.

me: sometimes i wonder which world i'm really living in - yesterday's or tomorrow's..

he: which world would you rather live in - the world of how things should be or the world of how they really are?

me: umm.. that's what i'm trying to figure out.

he: you know, comparisons are well and good, just as long as they're valid. but when they're unrealistic or irrelevant, they create too much confusion.