an old post from a friends blog - circa 2002:

I had an important conversation with foolmaker last night.

FOr the first time it occurred to me that the reason why it's so hard to accept and appreciate love is that there is something very wrong in my case with the paradigm for all love a person receives, namely one's mother's love.

Much of her love is genuine, but it is also tarnished, even distorted, by her own self-loathing. In what sense does she love me, an extension of herself, while she avowedly hates herself? I have never altogether trusted her love, and since it is paradigmatic, I have never been at ease with or trusting of anyone else's love for me.

I _must_ overcome this, or else there can never be a complete relationship in my life.

Why couldn't I be a normal human? Why did I have to be all fucked up inside?