the loss of innocence

the worst thing that can happen to humans.

la grassa, la dotta.

the fat, the learned.

the quest for self-knowledge is a lifelong challenge.

do any of us really know ourselves as well as we might want to? and those who claim to have a watertight sense of identity are merely protecting themselves from the possibilities that they don't feel ready to face as yet.

it takes a whole ton of courage and plenty of honesty to accept that we don't completely know who we truly are or what we really want.

but, to say as much too long and too often, is equally false.

me: i cannot afford to be afraid. to be scared..

he: why?

me: what a stupid question to ask.. if i risk being afraid, what's going to happen to the people who depend on me?

he: you have issues. i think we should stop drinking too..

*big gulp*

its sad. very very sad. people live their whole lives without ever knowing the true meaning of friendship.

very sad.

existential angst

may be the title of my next mental throw up.

i have an aversion to routine.

and that's because i thrive on novelty. when a place or situation is 'all mapped out', i tend to rapidly lose interest in it. when i figure people out, i tend to rapidly lost interest.

look what joey forwarded:

VIRGO

You seem to think that a dream can never come true, but it will if you take it seriously. According to the planets, you are actually quite close to a breakthrough of some sort, but you need to believe in what you are doing and, more important, you need to believe in yourself. Perhaps also you need to believe that you deserve to succeed. You do.

joey, i just had my breakthrough last night. not only am i no longer unemployed, i've landed a dream job at a company that's perfect for me.

a new form of matter: fermionic condensate.

francois, ne fais pas de frasques !

i can't believe that this was actually said:

Extract of Laloo Prasad's thank you speech in english to all his guests at the conclusion of his daughter's wedding festivities:

"I THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND ALSO FROM MY WIFE'S BOTTOM".

whoa! yeah this is old news.. but i just read it.

we all make mistakes.

if we're wise, we end up learning from them. and if we're otherwise, we make matters worse by sinking into self-criticism and regret. we persuade ourselves that we've made a mistake from which we can never recover. and we never realize that by such persuasion, we've scuppered our ability to turn things around.

ho ho ho. stuff i come up with when i'm drunk.. i crack myself up!

i live in a world where high achievers are congratulated and held up as examples to follow.

but i often forget that true quality of life is not related to how much i can get done but how deeply i enjoy my day-to-day experience of simply existing.

saw two movies this evening:

torque: eh. it could've been much better. the dialogues were just horrible.

along came polly: hilarious! a definite thumbs-up.

and oh yeah, spent $264.95 on a power suit!

homework doesn't do itself.

michelle, homework first. waltz later.

she: i wonder what makes a human different from a robot or animal.. we work like dogs. we stick to a routine. we often let animal instincts take over without giving thought to the emotions/feelings..

me: humans, unlike animals or robots, are never satisifed. humans specialize in unreasonable lust and often do a good line in pointless paranoia. machines never worry about how good they are. we do. dogs don't spend ages fretting that they've been chasing the wrong rabbit. we do. humans, these days, are crazy about the wrong things. we're greedy too.

listening to:

Artist: Eminem Lyrics
Song: Lose Yourself Lyrics

The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is borin, but superstardom's close to post mortar
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cuz here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no mo, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old potna, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

i went to church today. opened the book of Psalms to a random page. and this is what i read:

Psalm 35

1. Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me!
   
2. Take hold of shield and buckler, and rise up to help me!
   
3. Draw the spear and javelin against my pursuers; say to my soul, "I am your salvation."
   
4. Let them be put to shame and dishonor who seek after my life. Let them be turned back and confounded who devise evil against me.
   
5. Let them be like chaff before the wind, with the angel of the LORD driving them on.
   
6. Let their way be dark and slippery, with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.
   
7. For without cause they hid their net for me; without cause they dug a pit for my life.
   
8. Let ruin come on them unawares. And let the net that they hid ensnare them; let them fall in it—to their ruin.
   
9. Then my soul shall rejoice in the LORD, exulting in his deliverance.
   
10. All my bones shall say, "O LORD, who is like you? You deliver the weak from those too strong for them, the weak and needy from those who despoil them."
    
11. Malicious witnesses rise up; they ask me about things I do not know.
    
12. They repay me evil for good; my soul is forlorn.
    
13. But as for me, when they were sick, I wore sackcloth; I afflicted myself with fasting. I prayed with head bowed on my bosom,
    
14. as though I grieved for a friend or a brother; I went about as one who laments for a mother, bowed down and in mourning.
    
15. But at my stumbling they gathered in glee, they gathered together against me; ruffians whom I did not know tore at me without ceasing;
    
16. they impiously mocked more and more, gnashing at me with their teeth.
    
17. How long, O LORD, will you look on? Rescue me from their ravages, my life from the lions!
    
18. Then I will thank you in the great congregation; in the mighty throng I will praise you.
    
19. Do not let my treacherous enemies rejoice over me, or those who hate me without cause wink the eye.
    
20. For they do not speak peace, but they conceive deceitful words against those who are quiet in the land.
    
21. They open wide their mouths against me; they say, "Aha, Aha, our eyes have seen it."
    
22. You have seen, O LORD; do not be silent! O Lord, do not be far from me!
    
23. Wake up! Bestir yourself for my defense, for my cause, my God and my Lord!
    
24. Vindicate me, O LORD, my God, according to your righteousness, and do not let them rejoice over me.
    
25. Do not let them say to themselves, "Aha, we have our heart's desire." Do not let them say, "We have swallowed you up."
    
26. Let all those who rejoice at my calamity be put to shame and confusion; let those who exalt themselves against me be clothed with shame and dishonor.
    
27. Let those who desire my vindication shout for joy and be glad, and say evermore, "Great is the LORD, who delights in the welfare of his servant."
    
28. Then my tongue shall tell of your righteousness and of your praise all day long.
    

slip away

a millennia lost you wait for me will you find? just wait and see teeth baring flesh searing hard and hot an old lust tearing drool a few centuries away what you had is not yours today sober and sunken my eyes to yours tell an old tale that never was come back? easy, if it were an arm's length away your heart to scorch a mile-wide smile a gleam of evil nails to tear a soul to shrivel slip away into the event horizon i have nothing to give no love. not even poison. slip away stop. desist. wait another millennia for i don't exist

there's a great deal i can do, if i set my mind to it.

maybe that's all the more reason why i should think hard about what i want to accomplish. a friend once said, "to respond to the first interesting or attractive opportunity you come across simply because 'it exists' could be to close the door that leads to some other far more suitable future."

maybe i shouldn't dangle myself on the horns of a dilemma all day. maybe i should look for a less exciting but more useful way to proceed.

i'm just an ordinary girl in an extraordinary world.. the only difference is i realized quickly how i can milk the world to my benefit.. and have shitloads of fun.

a 5 year old thought.

i woke up this morning.. unable to remember my name..

hmm.. this is the kind of phase i'm in right now.. one of those mysterious, indefinable moments in between. in times of deep change, one fear i carry is that people around me won't allow me to become someone new. or they won't recognize what feels inside like a profound shift in perspective and identity. a lot of people are noticing the change in me.. even welcoming it. but to me, its confusing.

"Reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction."

-- Kahlil Gibran

i don't know what to think about this. its often hard to reconcile the difference between what i feel and what i think.. i try to let my heart and head each have their say because letting one force triumph over the other without a trial is unfair.

what i need is simplicity.

he: smile and the world smiles with you. cry and you cry alone.

me: i don't agree. i think people are much more sensitive to others' emotions than most of us realize.

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

me: feels like the calm before the storm.. i keep steeling myself for a disaster of some kind or wondering where the next problem is going to come from.

he: try not to be so pessimistic. it doesn't suit you.

my soul may belong to the infinite, but my bank account has no such limitless quality and nor does my patience.

he: for an easy-going, peace-loving, harmony-seeking soul... you sure can sometimes do a very good impersonation of a hot-headed, argumentative trouble-maker!

me: ho ho ho.

there's only one man i've ever loved... since i was 5 years old. and this is him.

unconditional love?

a non-existent concept.

are we all just victims of circumstance?

maybe. but some of us, despite facing superficially similar circumstances, feel way more inclicned to see ourselves as legatees of kindly coincidence. all of us face factors we can't control. sometimes i spend a lot of effort without much certainty of getting much by way of reward. and when i decide to accept what's happening and do my best, i feel good even if life doesn't exactly go my way. and when i resent a situation i find myself in, i feel bad, regardless of how much truly good reason there is to be unhappy. i must learn to embrace what there's no point in rejecting.

any fool can make big, glamorous promises or attractive offers.

but real life involves dealing with the dull, the difficult, the repetitive and the stressful and finding some way to make it all acceptable if not enjoyable. we'll always be attracted by escapist notions, no matter how much we've already escaped from, because that's human nature. and what i need now is something that fits my true natures.. not something artificial and empty.

committed partnership is often a paradox.

one way, it offers stability, a sense of belonging and a space to keep the home fires burning. looked at another way, and it seems to bind us and limit our social possibilities..

two steps forward, one step back.

it's a frustrating way to make progress but it's a wonderful way to dance.

he: sense? you want the world to make more sense? you may as well wish for a cow that recites shakespeare..

me: why is it called achilles heel?

he: let me see if i can remember.. the story goes something like this: when achilles, the great warrior of greek mythology, was just a tiny baby, his mother dipped him in the river styx. this caused every part of him to become invulnerable, with the exception of the heel by which she held him.

me: so is the moral of the story that we all have our weak spots and they all, ironically, tend to get weaker, the more we try to acquire greater strength?

he: hmm.. yeah something like that.

its 4:00 am and i feel empty.

very empty.

until it is used, money is just paper.. and i tend to use a lot of paper.

this is my life.

even if i believe in reincarnation, it is the only life i can be completely sure of ever leading.
even if i've got wonderful hopes and plans, this is the only moment i can be completely sure of experiencing.
and if i'm not happy with who i am or what i'm going through, then now is the time to do something.
i want to resolve not to compromise.
i want to resolve to start the new year as i will need to go on... by treating each day as a precious gift.

the game of ping-pong in my cranium..

the world i live in is very overwhelming. it's giving me far more to experience than i can ever find the time for. in trying to protect myself from this confusing ocean of choice, i invent reasons why i can't entertain an interest in certain people or things. i guess i need to narrow down my options. yet in doing so, i place restrictions on myself. and that only leads to frustration.

do i make sense?

càit’ a bheil sibh?

me: you can't judge a book by its cover.

he: you can't judge a new year by its first few days..

me: says who?

he: says me.

In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity.

- Albert Einstein

I had the weirdest dream this morning. I woke up with a weirdly scary look on my face. I dreamt I was getting married. And since I couldn't take it anymore, I caught the hand of some guy standing in the wedding procession and ran away with him. And all this happened as I was walking down the aisle.

And I remember thinking to myself,
"Oh fuck, I haven't even shaved my legs. How can I elope with unshaven legs!? fuck fuck fuck"

what a weird dream eh?

the past few days have been hectic but great. the easy energy surrounding me makes me wonder why things can't always be so cool. all the right moves (some on wrong days) leave me feeling much more confident. finding freedom and fun in my routine (if you may call it that) has been hard this past year..

i think i need to sleep. its what? 5:35am?

muah and happy new year!

the airy composition of the sky suits me just fine.