3.29.2002


as i grow, i seem to get even more enamoured by a certain kind of sensuality i evoke in my mind.
it's like having 'demolition man' style sex.
it's all in the mind.
thats just about the most shocking thing - your mind's in control.
accept it.

though the circumstances of this day are far from perfect
they are a minor concern when compared to the overwhelming (positive) experience of being alive
just living each day is such a big deal and getting out of bed is the worst chore to perform
why dont you just give me some dishes to do the night before

heh.

i actually do like living.. there's so much to do. i'd die if i wasnt living. haha. actually my mind's kinda lost.. it wandered away. and now i dont know what i'm gonna do without it. of all the things i've lost this year, i sure do miss my mind the most.

my heart keeps picking up feelings that i have not experienced for a while
and it is trying them on for size
and i allow this to continue
which leaves me feeling drained
but my heart has a purpose
it wants me to acknowledge my appreciation for all that is good in my world
it wants me to think about how much effort i so often go to on behalf of my problems
why must the negative factors in my life demand the bulk of my time and energy

then sometimes when i am fast asleep
i have a dream that is so vivid
it makes me feel sure i am wide awake
i can even see myself
in the dream
sitting up and saying
"thank god i am awake. what an odd dream that was"
or i may dream that i am pinching myself to see if i am dreaming
and scary part is that i can actually feel that pinch in the dream
so am i dreaming
or are they genuine
go for a run
have a hot drink
i must do whatever i need to reassure myself
then relax
though life right now may be reminiscent of some strange fantasy
it is real
and also
more importantly
it is good.

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