3.21.2002


I have been thinking long and hard.. about an aggravating issue. And I sincerely wish I didn't have to think so long and so hard about it. But I can't seem to put the whole bundle down and walk away from it. I've realized something.. and that fact is very hard to digest. I don't want to but, I absolutely have to give it my complete attention. I must find a way to solve this situation.. to make peace with it. And the moment I find this formula, time will start flying by.. the scenario will probably become more welcoming. Maybe sometime in the future, I will look back at this problem/issue and even find it hilarious (if I do find the solution I want). I'm trying to win a battle to be able to distinguish the significant from the trivial. But looking at how much I have invested, I think I am battling to win over the significant. Am I comprehensible? Or maybe I'm just confused.. there is a thin line between importance and irrelevance. And I have too many people in my life who derive fetishistic pleasure from confusing me even more. But bad things do not happen all the time. Its just that when they do happen (to me), they have a very big impact on me. I long remember my sources of pain, agony, and trouble and I constantly remain on alert in case they reappear. This priority level leaves me drained - in every way. I become overly defensive.. which makes life unbearable. I cannot shut people out (they wont allow it).. nor can I live in pretense. I cannot share either. Why? Just because. There are some issues that are very private to me. And I want my privacy.

I used to have so much faith. So much hope. So much enthusiasm. And now, I'm trying to justify not having them. I don't need faith, hope, enthusiasm.. I can exist without them just fine. I used the word exist.

But is life all about just existing?

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