happiness is such a bland, waxy state of being...

i don't think there is ever ever a destination just a vague notion most times or so i think anyway and by no means have i reached any destinations infact i am bothered by how 'homogeneous' i have become in the last couple of years my paints forgotten and thoughts not quite there the solemn and sublime stretch my soul out for batik kneads rolls beats rolls kneads rolls beats rolls will they ever give up trying to stretch my soul to eternity dabbing it in colors unseen decking it like a bride walking down the aisle slitting it to reveal the redness.

though i have changed since the thoughts left me
feeling humbled
a little lost
a little quiet

walk a thousand miles
weep till the outer worlds are flooded
wait for an eternity

and?

all words are essentially limited how can you ever describe the texture of a desire space constructed and inhabited but then all words are similarly limited for they destroy the very thought that demands the words the moment a word comes into existence to try and describe a thought thoughts are better left as nebulous clouds forming dissipating filtering them through a sieve of words is so pointless.

but then, how would i share a thought that screams the sentiment - i miss you.

pointless.

i began as a three-dimensional void in a higher-dimensional space.
can you see me now?

am sitting here, drenched in sweat that pours off my head though it doesnt
bleed away the thudding of blood that rushes in and demands something
else...

a n d.......n o w.......a f t e r .......a l l .......t h e s e .......d a y s .......i .......s t i l l .......f i n d .......n o....... o n e....... a n d....... i .......a m .......s t i l l .......l o s t....... l o s t .......i n .......t h i s....... d e e p .......v o i d .......w i t h....... n o t .......e v e n .......a .......s i n g l e....... r a y .......o f .......h o p e....... t o .......l a t c h .......o n .......t o .......t h e r e .......i s .......n o .......n i g h t .......n o .......j a z z .......n o .......l i g h t....... n o .......g l u e .......n o .......g r a i n s .......o f .......s a n d .......n o .......b r e e z e .......a n d .......n o .......h i m .......o n l y....... h i s....... m e m o r i e s .......t o .......t h i n k .......a b o u t .......h i s....... f a c e .......i....... d o n t .......s e e....... e v e r y .......t i m e .......i .......c l o s e....... m y....... e y e s .......t h e n....... a g a i n .......i .......j u s t .......p i c t u r e .......t h e .......d a y .......w e .......w i l l .......c o m e .......f a c e .......t o .......f a c e .......a n d .......t h a t .......d a y .......w i l l .......b e....... t w i s t e d .......w i t h .......c h a r m i n g....... d i s d a i n

as i grow, i seem to get even more enamoured by a certain kind of sensuality i evoke in my mind.
it's like having 'demolition man' style sex.
it's all in the mind.
thats just about the most shocking thing - your mind's in control.
accept it.

though the circumstances of this day are far from perfect
they are a minor concern when compared to the overwhelming (positive) experience of being alive
just living each day is such a big deal and getting out of bed is the worst chore to perform
why dont you just give me some dishes to do the night before

heh.

i actually do like living.. there's so much to do. i'd die if i wasnt living. haha. actually my mind's kinda lost.. it wandered away. and now i dont know what i'm gonna do without it. of all the things i've lost this year, i sure do miss my mind the most.

my heart keeps picking up feelings that i have not experienced for a while
and it is trying them on for size
and i allow this to continue
which leaves me feeling drained
but my heart has a purpose
it wants me to acknowledge my appreciation for all that is good in my world
it wants me to think about how much effort i so often go to on behalf of my problems
why must the negative factors in my life demand the bulk of my time and energy

then sometimes when i am fast asleep
i have a dream that is so vivid
it makes me feel sure i am wide awake
i can even see myself
in the dream
sitting up and saying
"thank god i am awake. what an odd dream that was"
or i may dream that i am pinching myself to see if i am dreaming
and scary part is that i can actually feel that pinch in the dream
so am i dreaming
or are they genuine
go for a run
have a hot drink
i must do whatever i need to reassure myself
then relax
though life right now may be reminiscent of some strange fantasy
it is real
and also
more importantly
it is good.

i will now sleep.
since i feel ..

umm..

relief?

NO.

then what?

i don't know.

but i will sleep.